Official Usenet Alt.Folklore.College Frequently Posted Legends
This is alt.folklore.college -- the newsgroup where nonsense is
revered as an artform, and debunking has been taken to new heights.
An offshoot of alt.folklore.urban, it discusses urban legends (ULs)
about college life: all those great stories that a "friend of a
friend" (FOAF) told you about how roommate suicides result in a 4.0 or
libraries sinking because of the weight of the books.
In other words, it's a great place to get a reality check on anything
that "a friend" told you, or to compare notes about odd things.
A NOTE TO NEW READERS:
- We encourage you to post any stories you suspect may be an UL. Funny
or whatever. Details matter! Please try to give as much as possible.
BUT, be advised that many of the stories in the FAQ have been hashed
over. If you wish to debate them, be prepared to substantiate your
claim.
- alt.folklore.college is for discussions of college folklore. Discussions
about college life or academics or requests for e-mail addresses are
better suited for soc.college. Discussions about folklore not related
to college (such as hemispheric effects on toilet-flushing or pizza
delivery boys who soil food) are better suited for alt.folklore.urban
or, if appropriate, one of the other groups in the alt.folklore.*
hierarchy, such as alt.folklore.military or alt.folklore.computers.
And so on. Also, now that there's alt.college.tunnels, steam-tunnel
anecdotes are best suited for that newsgroup.
The purpose of summarizing these frequently-seen legends is to provide
a guide to veracity and their experience in this newsgroup. Most ULs
cannot be traced back to original true incidents, but some,
particularly the more recent ones can be. There are ULs which may,
coincidentally, have a true manifestation, but a true manifestation
does not deprive a UL of its legendary status. However, since many if
not most ULs are false, where possible, I include a comment referring
to a true incident, subject to sufficient evidence, of course.
Please note that this FAQ is for the reading pleasure of the entire
alt.folklore.college newsgroup; this means that if you have comments
on specific items in the FAQ, please share them with the group as a
whole for discussion purposes, rather than e-mailing l'il ol' me,
who's just compiling the damn thing in between law school classes and
doesn't really want to read through thirty new mail messages saying
"Yeah, I heard that, too!". It's not as if a.f.college couldn't use
the traffic.
THE UNOFFICIAL MOTTO OF ALT.FOLKLORE.COLLEGE
"My apologies for any hot-heatedness. I had just broken up with my
girlfriend when I posted." -- Jason Munn, 2/27/94
MEANWHILE, BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM . . .
I have also begun to collect references to specific volumes of JHB's to
document various classic ULs. This is a slow and on-going process.
Acronyms for Jan Harold Brunvand's books in the list below are:
TVH - _The Vanishing Hitchhiker_
TMP - _The Mexican Pet_
TCD - _The Choking Doberman_
CBA - _Curses! Broiled Again_
TBT - _The Baby Train_
Key to one liners below:
T = 100% scientific truth
Tb = believed true, but not conclusively proven
F = 100% falsehood
Ft = A legend, mostly untrue, but with a true occurence or known origin.
Fb = believed false, but not conclusively proven
U = unanswered and may be unanswerable
P = Maybe it didn't happen, but it's scientifically possible
(used extremely sparingly, where the opposite is expected,
as it could apply to just about every legend)
Please note that as the alt.folklore.college FAQ diverges from the
alt.folklore.urban FAQ, different FAQs may reach different conclusions.
===============================================================================
Categories are:
- Absent-Minded Professors
- The Facts of [College] Life
- Sophomoric Shenanigans
- It's Final
- Staples
- Eerie Erections
===============================================================================
ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSORS
T. Prof lists famous unsolved problems;student thought it was homework- solved!
(Student was George Dantzig.) ["The Unsolvable Math Problem" in CBA.]
T. No such luck with Fermat's Last Theorem.
F. Princeton students rioted in celebration of the solution to Fermat's Last
Theorem.
Fb.Professor jostled; misses watch; grabs back from jostler; later
finds at home [Variation of "The Jogger's Billfold" in TCD]
[Possible source: Jack Lemmon in "The Prisoner of Second Avenue"]
T. Stanford math grad student murders advisor with ball-peen hammer.
F. All universities have policy of when it's officially okay to leave class
when professor is late.
T. At least one university, Tennessee Tech, does have a 15-minute-late-
okay-to-leave policy. Others possibly have one, too.
Fb.The time to wait until you leave depends on the category of the
instructor (TA, assistant prof, full prof,...).
T. Most European universities couldn't care less when you came or left.
F. Asst/Assoc/Full Profs have BA/MA/PhD terminal degrees.
Fb.Prof. lectures class on sugar content of ejaculate. Girl then asks "Why
does it taste so salty then?" Runs out of class amidst laughter.
Fb.Science class students take swab from inside of cheek and examine under
microscope. One group sees odd organisms and calls prof. who looks and
declares that it's sperm.
Tb.Prof. demos test for diabetes by dipping finger in several flasks
of urine and then licking it. Then asks students to do same. They
do, after which he says he dipped with one finger and licked with
the other.
Fb.Students use Skinnerian methods to train professor to only write on
small corner of chalkboard. [Dozens of variations.]
THE FACTS OF COLLEGE LIFE
F. College roommate commits suicide, gets you an automatic "A" for courses.
["The Suicide Rule" in CBA.]
Tb.Many colleges do provide leniency on exams, or allow refunds for roommates,
but it's usually on a case-by-case basis.
T. Student gets tuition $ by asking for $0.01 from each person via newspaper.
[Columnist Bob Greene helped along this Michigan student.]
T. Students find rolled-up carpet; take and unroll in dorm room to find body.
[Happened at Columbia; see 1/30/84 NY Times.]
T. Student dies after getting stuck in Cornell fraternity chimney, 1992-93.
T. Brown student allergic to peanuts dies from eating at restaurant that
served chili with secret ingredient of peanut butter.
F. Harvard alumni pay to make sure ice cream is served with every meal.
T. The same is believed at a number of schools.
Fb.Student kills self during exam by putting 2 pencils in nose and
hitting desk.
F. Girl is alone at home/dorm with dog; sleeps; hears noise and a dripping
sound; is frightened but reaches to dog and feels a lick; goes back to
sleep. In morning, finds dog hanged in shower and note under bed which
says "humans can lick too." ["The Licked Hand" in TCD]
F. Two co-eds alone in dorm; one goes to study; other in room; roomie hears
heavy dragging sounds; blocks door; hears scratches; waits til morning;
opens door to find other co-ed with ax in head who was scratching for help.
["The Roommate's Death" in TVH and TMP] [Variation: note left behind
"aren't you glad you didn't open the door?"]
T. A number of campuses have occasional panic scares because of a dorm that
allegedly meets the description in a Nostradamus prediction of a massacre.
F. Student raped during the five-minute "scream session" during finals;
victim's cries drowned out in the cacophony.
F. High school senior girl is gang raped at a fraternity party. The
only brother that looks at her face finds out she's his sister.
F. Tuition is refunded to all BYU female students that are not married
by the time they graduate.
SOPHOMORIC SHENANIGANS
T. People's lawn gnomes/elves stolen; owners were sent letter/pics from exotic
locations with the ornament. ["Roaming Gnomes" in CBA]
Fb.Students buy a barber pole and drive the town. Stopped continually
by police.
F. Radio station welds antenna to railroad tracks, peeves the FCC by
broadcasting nationwide. [Told about MIT, Tufts, Princeton, and
Swarthmore.]
T. Caltech students disrupt Rose Bowl in sundry ways.
T. MITfolk do the same to Harvard-Yale game.
Tb.Rutgers grad student puts both Caltech and MIT to shame by bombing World
Trade Center.
T. Berkeley student suspended for going to classes naked.
T. MIT students use Smoot to measure bridge.
F. Mikey (Life cereal) exploded from eating Pop Rocks with soda (You wish!)
["The Death of Little Mikey" in TCD]
F. Student is regularly nocturnally chloroformed by roommate, for sodomy.
Tb.This may have actually happened in the Dutch army. Those officers!
Tb.Students fake such activity as good prank on passed-out drunk roommate.
T. Students use variety of methods to make foolproof fake ID's.
T. Students will admit to any number of felonies when posting to Usenet.
T. Not-especially-bright U-Illinois student forges threatening e-mail to
Clinton administration and gets paid a visit from the Secret Service.
F. Students play construction workers and police off of each other, each
thinking the other are pranksters.
Tb.Schoolkid beheaded by road sign, due to sticking his head out the
bus window.
T. New York car thief stole lab delivery of cadaver heads...
Tb.Med student discovers cadaver is relative/friend.
Fb.Med students play joke on tollbooth operator involving cadaver.
T. Syracuse student steals skull from university archives, roommate reports it.
T. Wisconsin student castrates & performs other surgery on himself using
mirrors, to reduce his sex drive. See sci.med for details.
F. Marauding gangs drive with lights out, kill those who flash lights at them.
Tb.Cow-tipping (pushing over a sleeping cow) has happened.
T. Cows sleep lying down.
Tb.Cow-tipping is usually just a bunch of hooey to beguile city kids.
U. The proper amount to tip a cow is 15%, 20% for especially good service.
U. Purdue students trying to avoid draft *and* Saturday classes sign up
en masse for class in sheep shearing; university purchases so many
sheep to meet demand that it won't let anyone drop class.
T. "Dave Rhodes" letter asking for money is bogus.
Tb.Putting a sleeping person's hand in water will cause him/her to pee for
some people but not for others.
IT'S FINAL
Fb.Student cheats on exam, asks "do you know who I am?",jams paper in
exam pile! ["Bluebook Legends" in TMP]
Fb.Prof. gives "announced" quiz to surprised class after putting ad in paper.
Fb.Prof. allows students to "bring in what they can carry for exam"; student
carrys in a grad student (variation on allowing use of "Feynman").
Fb.Prof. nails exam thief by cutting bottom 0.5" of exam to find longer answer.
Fb.Philosophy prof.'s 1 word exam: "Why?" "A" to student who replies "Why not?"
[Many, many variations, including "What is courage""This", & "What chair?"].
T. Wise-ass teachers imitate the urban legend and have one-word exams.
T. Same kind of teacher gives exam with patently bogus directions with last
instruction being "Ignore all other directions."
Fb.Low grading prof. grades same exam in successive semesters; gives higher
grade each time. 4th time around (or so), writes: "Like it more each time".
Fb.Student submits 20 yr old paper for class; prof. gives "A"; says he always
liked it but he only got a "B" when he wrote it. [The above 6 Fb's are in
"College Con Artists and How They Operate" in CBA]
T. Professors make you erase programmable calculator memory for exams.
Fb.Professor uses staircase method to grade exams.
Fb.Students claiming to be late with flat tire get special exam asking
"Which tire?"
Fb.Ph.D. candidate hides Easter egg in thesis offering bottle of expensive
scotch to first person to point out that paragraph; gets to drink bottle
at thesis defense because no one noticed paragraph.
T. Lots of people have pulled similar stunts involving off-topic paragraphs
in less important papers.
T. Stuffed remains of Jeremy Bentham present at annual meeting.
F. College requirement of swim test imposed by bereaved benefactor whose
daughter drowned because she didn't know how to swim. [Told of Columbia,
Princeton, Carleton, Brandeis, and others.]
Fb.Squid dissections invariably involve the dissector getting squirted with
ink by the dissectee.
STAPLES
F. One night stand, partner leaves early, other partner finds msg "Welcome to
the world of AIDS". ["AIDS Mary" in CBA]
F. Frat holds blood drive. Some grossly high % of frat donors are HIV positive.
T. There are a remarkable number of unfunny puns on greek-letter societies.
F. Cockroaches left over from "Creep Show" populate CMU basements.
F. All fraternity members are rapists.
T. Towson State study finds fraternities have the highest rape rates on campus.
T. Athletes are second.
Tb.It's generally not a good idea to provoke Ted into talking about frats.
Tb.Geraldo Rivera went to University of Arizona as "Jerry Rivers."
Fb.Abbie Hoffman was the first Sandwich Man at Brandeis; really used it as
cover to sell drugs.
Tb.The Sixties would be a dramatically different decade if not for Jerry Cohen.
T. There seems to be quite a few university buildings named after Kresge.
Fb.[Insert name of university here] invited to join Ivy League; turns down
(or turned down) because of unwillingness to bolster athletic facilities.
F. "Ivy" League got its name from the original four (IV) members.
T. It's fairly common to be dissatisfied with one's campus newspaper and SGA.
Fb.Co-ed loses tampon inside prior to blind date; worried; sees school intern;
is acutely embarrassed. Her date shows up; it's the intern!
Fb.Young man buys condom from pharmacist; he's embarrassed so boasts of date.
He picks her up, pharmacist/dad answers the door! ["The Blind Date" in TMP]
Fb.Traci Lords enrolled in University of Wisconsin under a secret identity.
U. A plain-Jane coed invited to special night out by a BMOC. As she gets ready,
has bad gas from lunch. Date arrives; so plans to fart in car before he gets
in. She farts and quickly rows down window. Date gets in, says,
"I'd like you to meet Tom and Mary in the backseat." ["The Fart in
the Dark" in TVH.]
T. Fried lemur is especially good in a mole sauce. Or a curry.
T. Common UL mills include Dear Abby, Ann Landers, and Paul Harvey.
T. Cecil Adams singles out Chicago and Brandeis students for their lack of
sex lives.
T. Agents of Cecil Adams have an account at Northwestern U.
T. Nearly every college has statues that do something strange if a virgin
graduates/walks by.
Tb.Nearly every college thinks that they're on a Playboy top ten best/worst
campuses for parties/best-looking coeds.
F. David Letterman once did a "Top Ten" list of party schools.
Fb.Such-and-such top school (UChicago, Reed, Cornell) has "top suicide rate"
in nation.
Tb.No one compiles various schools' suicide rates.
F. USNWR/Gorman rankings have any scientific basis, rather than being
ad hoc jumbles of various statistics, reworked yearly to get desired
results.
F. UMass/Amherst's anti-discrimination policy protects pedophiles.
F. Several animals (dogs, parrots, and donkeys) have graduated from
different universities.
EERIE ERECTIONS
Tb.Number one cause of student deaths at UMass-Amherst is elevator accidents.
F. Building is built backwards. Public criticizes; Architect commits suicide.
Tb.There have been buildings built backwards.
F. Various university libraries sink; books heavier than architect thought!
(Can anyone confirm that Oriental Museum at U of C actually had this
problem, as reported in the _Maroon_?)
F. Same as above, but pool not library, weight of water, not books.
Tb.Above happened to Kodak; they use it to develop *big* pictures.
Ft.Lots of bldgs (malls, etc.) are sinking into the ground as we post!
[See "Back to the Drawing Board--Some Architectural Legends" in CBA]
F. Architect student fails final project, becomes rich, donates $ to school
on condition they use his final project as a blueprint.
T. Some universities, cities are riddled with semi-secret utility tunnels.
T. We don't care that you've seen them.
Fb.University of Chicago and Columbia have radioactive libraries.
Fb.Campus library named after fabulously rich inventor of mundanity.
[Variations: Q-Tips, plastic envelope windows, etc.]
T. University of Chicago dormitory named after W. Judson, who *did* invent
the zipper! (1/6/94 Chicago Tribune.)
T. Campus building designed in the sixties in strange shape to be
riot-proof. (Confirmed for U of Buffalo, told of many others.)
Tb.Some architects have designed prisons and university buildings.
Fb.Local/State regulations ban sorority houses: house with > n unmarried
females is considered a brothel.
SOME REFERENCES:
Cecil Adams (_The Straight Dope_, 1984, ISBN 0-345-33315-2 and_More of the
Straight Dope_, 1988, ISBN 0-345-35145-2 both published by Ballantine
Books). Author of "The Straight Dope" Q&A column of _The Chicago
Reader_ and is syndicated in many alternative newspapers. Cecil is "a
National Treasure" who "tells people what they actually want and need
to know instead of useless rubbish." Regularly plagiarizes the Net
for his columns: beware of posts from "ezotti."
Jan Harold Brunvand (_The Vanishing Hitchhiker_, 1981, ISBN 0-393-95169-3;
_The Choking Doberman_, 1984, ISBN 0-393-30321-7; _The Mexican Pet_, 1986,
ISBN 0-393-30542-2; _Curses! Broiled Again_, 1989, ISBN 0-393-30711-5,
_The Study of American Folklore_, 3rd Ed., 1978, all published by W.W.
Norton). JHB is one of the leading folklorists today and has done much
to popularize the study of ULs.
Theodore Frank ("The Economic Interest Test and Collective Action Problems
in Antitrust Tie-In Cases," _The University of Chicago Law Review_, Spring
1994.) Actually has nothing to do with urban legends, and anal editors
replaced all appearances of "lutefisk" with "widgets." But still
contains the phrase "The _Dick_ Court," and besides, I'm entitled to
a plug, too.
Neil Steinberg (_If At All Possible Involve A Cow_, ??) Haven't read
it, but it has U of Wisconsin-Madison pink flamingos on the cover,
so it's got to be good. Mostly about college pranks.
Bruce Tindall and Mark Watson (_Did Mohawks Wear Mohawks?_ _And Other
Wonders, Plunders, and Blunders_, Quill - William and Morrow, 1991.
ISBN 0-688-09859-2.) S'all right, and only one wrong entry so far.
But don't believe what they say about dalmatians, humans, and urea.
You can even e-mail Bruce on the net to blast him.
Peter van der Linden (_The Official Handbook of Practical Jokes_ Signet,
ISBN 0-451-15873-3, 1989 and _The Second Official Handbook of Practical
Jokes_, 1991, Signet, ISBN 0-451-16924-7). Do you want to get the scoop
on practical jokes that actually have some real world validity rather
than those by prepubescent college kids on bad banana peels? Try
checking these two bricks^H^H^H^H^H^H books out. You'll find ULs,
delightfully bad illustrations, and even practical jokes.
It's only a coincidence that all of the above-mentioned authors have
links to the Internet at one time or another.
===============================================================================
An urban legend:
* appears mysteriously and spreads spontaneously in varying forms
* contains elements of humor or horror (the horror often "punishes"
someone who flouts society's conventions).
* makes good storytelling.
* does NOT have to be false, although most are. ULs often have a basis
in fact, but it's their life after-the-fact (particularly in reference
to the second and third points) that gives them particular interest.
If you enjoy alt.folklore.college, you'll just love alt.folklore.urban.
===============================================================================
Unbounded thanks to: Jane Beckman, Steven Bellovin, Conrad Black, Mark
Brader, Jack Campin, Raymond Chen, Joe Chew, Patrick S Clark, Cathi
A.Cook, Cindy Davies, Jeff Davis, Scott Deerwester, Larry Doering, all
the Terry's: Carroll, Chan, Monks, Wood, et al., David Esan, Ted
Frank, Greg Franklin, Alan Frisbie, Kim Greer, Tom Greer, Dave Gross,
Phil Gustafson, Jason R. Heimbaugh, David A. Honigs, David
B. Horvath, Wendy Foran Howard, Mark Israel, Richard Joltes, Jim
Jones, Cyndi Kandolf, Phil Kernick, Susan Mudgett, Bill Nelson, Tom
Neff, Bob O'Brien, Christophe Pettus, Brian Scearce, Sean Smith,
Randal Schwartz, Ken Shirriff, snopes, Haakon Styri, Bruce Tindall,
Dwight Tovey, Peter van der Linden, Greg Widdicombe, and Dan Wright.
alt.folklore.college additions contributed by Jack Campin, Terry Chan,
Raymond Chen, Stephanie Deter, Chip Dunham, Christopher Dunlea, Ted
Frank, Ryan Franklin, Neil Gardner, Phil Gustafson, Jason Hanson,
Richard Hosker, Suzanne Houghton, Eric Jensen, Brian Leibowitz, Ignasi
Palou-Rivera, Michael Reel, Sendhil Revuluri, Lee Rudolph, Kivi
Shapiro, Stephen Smith, and Samuel Weiler.
OTHERS?
Have you ever wondered how those people have gotten the name at the
end of the FAQ list? They are people who are widely recognized as
thoughtful posters of reliable information. They have consistently
added value to various debates by sharing their point of view, and
often researching difficult questions which arise on the net, and
posting authoritative facts citing sources.
The official way for joining the list of distinguished AFC-ers is to
take one of these unanswered questions that come now and then,
research it and reach a definitive conclusion (or demonstrate that one
cannot be found). Post your findings. If the report is sound, and the
original question was non-trivial, you will be added to the
acknowledgements section of the FAQ list! Be prepared to submit
references. We are mostly adults here (except around the beginning of
the academic year). Be prepared to discuss and debate your research
and conclusions here. The unofficial way to get on the list is to
give me a big payoff (and it better be more than two-fifty).
Original FAQ list for alt.folklore.urban by Peter van der Linden, Feb., 1991.
Maintained by Terry Chan for a.f.u. since July 1991.
Mildly tinkered with in a few trivial ways, PvdL, December 9, 1991
Masterfully improved formatting courtesy of Tom Neff, December 16, 1991.
Modified and eviscerated for alt.folklore.college by Ted Frank, March 1, 1993.
a.f.c FAQ is kept (and occasionally updated) by Ignasi Palou-Rivera
since April, 1994.
This FAQ is now available through the World Wide Web, with URL:
http://osnome.che.wisc.edu/~palou/afcFAQ
--
Ignasi Palou-Rivera
Dept of Chemical Engineering U of Wisconsin, Madison
palou@osnome.che.wisc.edu http://osnome.che.wisc.edu/~palou