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   No respect at all.  When I was a baby I was breast fed by my father.  In
high school, I shared my locker with a mop.
 
   And ugly.  My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment.
She yelled "Rape!"  They yelled "NO!"
 
   I lost my parents at the beach when I was a kid.  I asked a lifeguard to
help me find them.  He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places
they could hide."
 
   And my sex life is nothing to crow about.  At my age I'm envious of a
stiff wind.
 
I joined gamblers anon. , they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!
 
I joined AA, ther was a two drink minimum!
 
I met the surgeon general, he offered me a cigerette!
 
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
 
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my
other foot!
 
My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!
 
What, did somebody sit on a duck?
 
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottemless',  I went inside and
there was nobody there!
 
A man in the crowd asks:  Hey Rodney, how'd you get started?
Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
 
My sex life is like shootin' pool with a rope!
 
My wifes so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
 
My daughters been picked up so many times shes startin to grow handles!
 
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is 'dont
tell the buthcer'!
 
The chick was so fat, she left a ring around the lake!
 
The chick was so fat: during oral sex i needed a snorkel
		      I needed a latter to climb on top
 
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ......
Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice
a month.  But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. 
I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
 
I have to tell ya, the older I get, the more eating replaces sex.  
Last weekend I installed a mirror over the dining room table.
 
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect....
The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the 
driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He 
took me to my house!
 
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was 
alone!
 
(from "Caddyshack")
Hey, this here's my buddy, Mr. Wang. Now I want ya to fix him up with the 
woiks! Get him two of these, four of these, and maybe three of these (and get 
me a box of the naked lady golf tees). Oh, that hat! You buy one of these and 
you get a free bowl of soup! (looks at Judge Smials [Ted Knight]) But it looks 
pretty good on you! (rolls his eyes)
 
I tell you.  My wife is so fat, when we want to have sex I have to pound her
on the thigh and ride the wave in.
 
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc!  I just took an entire bottle
of sleeping pills.  What should I do?"  He said, "Go home, have a couple
of drinks, and get some rest!!"
 
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
 
I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
 
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his
fee!
 
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed
me away!
 
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
 
I took my son to coney island, I said 'wanno go in the crazy house', he said
'save your money will be home soon'!
 
I was a poster child... for birth control!
 
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street
in his underwear.  I ask him, 'Why are you jogging in your underwear?'  He
say, 'You came home from work early.'
 
My parents didn't like me.  For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a
transistor radio.
 
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat?  She's so fat she wears
two watches--one for each time zone!
 
I tell ya, I took my girlfriend to the beach...Greenpeace tried
to push her back in the water...she's FAT! When she wants to 
have sex, she tells me to find a wrinkle and surf in...she's FAT!
 
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time.  Me and my wife were trying
to have sex for hours last night and finally gave up.  I asked her "what,
you can't think of anybody either?".