* Mad About You *
"That's why guys get married, so they can stop wooing. It's
exhausting to woo. You know, you woo, you woo, and you woo, and then
you gotta go `Whoa!'"
-Paul, "Love Among the Tiles"
PAUL
This bed is so small.
JAMIE
I like it.
PAUL
How can you like it?
JAMIE
`Cause you're IN it.
-"Bedfellows"
"I'm like a tuna melt. Feel how hot."
-Paul, "Natural History"
PAUL
But we ARE slobs.
JAMIE
No, YOU'RE a slob, I just got tired.
-"Our Fifteen Minutes"
"Mr. Mooney. Mr. Mooney? Mr. Mooney! All right, thank you."
-Paul, "How To Fall In Love"
For Ali:
"Did you know I was born with no head?"
-Paul, "How To Fall In Love"
"Do me a favor. Talk to me like I'm four."
-Paul, "Disorientation"
PAUL
Heimlich me, Heimlich me.
JAMIE
Honey, there's a rule: If you can
say "Heimlich" you don't actually
need the maneuver.
-"Instant Karma"
"We think it's time, and I agree."
-Burt, "Legacy"
"Yeah, `Rigoletto' with elephants? Helloooo..."
-Jamie, "The Ride Home"
"I never CONFIRMED? What are you, TWA?"
-Paul, "Natural History"
SALESPERSON
(to Paul)
You know, you have very classical features.
PAUL
Really?
SALESPERSON
Yeah.
PAUL
That's funny, because I've always been
told that I have Easy Listening features.
-"When I'm Sixty-Four"
"You're a little, little man."
-Jamie, "Virtual Reality"
"Never gonna happen, my friend."
-Paul, "Natural History"
"Honey, you may not have noticed this because I was so quiet, but...
I was sleeping."
-Paul, "So I Married A Hair Murderer
PAUL
Clamenza! Clamenza! (in a high pitched voice)
Clamenza? Clamenza? Helloooo Clamenza's!
Clams. Clamenza Clams. Clamenza Clams. Ah,
Clamenza. (a la Brando as Godfather) Clamenza,
how about some clams? Clamenza, try the clams.
We have clams. Where'd you get your clams?
Clamenza brought clams. (back to Paul) I'm done
with the Clamenza thing.
LONG PAUSE
JAMIE
Alright, one more.
PAUL
CLAMENZA!
-"Escape From New York"
"Tea and the Beatles. Ever since then it's nothing but trouble with
you people."
-Paul, "Home"
"These are gonna command a lot of respect. `Who's directing?'
`Mitten-Boy.' `Is he good?' `Well, he's Mitten-Boy.' `...and the
nominees are, Mitten-Boy...'"
-Paul, "Purseona"
JAMIE
How are you holding up?
PAUL
Well, if I had two tongues, I'd be
the happiest person in the world.
JAMIE
Second happiest.
-"Mad About You"
"Get the mouse!"
-Jamie, "The Tape"
PAUL
When did I embarrass you?
JAMIE
Pick a day.
-"The Man Who Said Hello"
"He's not better looking than me. He's just better dressed. I'm like
one good pair of chinos away from being this guy."
-Paul, "Love Among the Tiles"
"Look, honey, my schmeckie's in the Post."
-Paul, "The Man Who Said Hello"
"Tell me it's true, baby. Tell me it's true!"
-Jamie, "Till Death Do Us Part"
"Only when I ask do I actually listen."
-Paul, "Mad About You"
"Who did you ignore before you met me?"
-Jamie, "The Alan Brady Show"
JAMIE
Will you tell her what men think when
girls give in on the first date?
PAUL
"Yippee?"
-"Swept Away"
"Go show Fran your penis."
-Jamie, "Sofa's Choice"
"Look who's talking, Mr. Suck-Up. `May I curl your lemon twist?'"
-Jamie, "Paul In The Family"
"Why do I smell toast?"
-Paul, "Purseona"
"No, it's just an account, really. Tell me about your Reuben."
-Jamie, "I'm Just So Happy For You"
"You are a ruthless woman. You are entirely without ruth."
-Paul, "Riding Backwards"
JAMIE
Listen, I'm not looking for a relationship.
PAUL
Yeah, but what would you do if you found one?
-"Met Someone"
"Did we have a fight while I wasn't here?"
-Paul, "Sunday Times"
"I'm so hungry, I could eat my own head."
-Paul, "Purseona"
JAMIE
Blue toilet water!
PAUL
It's like a touch of the Caribbean,
right at home.
-"Maid About You"
"You know, you're really making this a tough choice. I got a woman
who loves me and cleans, and a woman who hates me and doesn't."
-Paul, "Maid About You"
"CAREFUL! Vinvectification."
-Paul, "The Tape"
"So we're not Chinese and we're not farmers. We don't GROW tomatoes,
we BUY tomatoes. We don't MAKE Chinese food, we don't SELL Chinese
food, we EAT Chinese food. We have a very specific function, you and
I, in the grand scheme of things."
-Paul, "Weekend Getaway"
PAUL
There's my beautiful bride!
JAMIE
Ah, bite me.
-"Mad About You"
"Can I tell you that the part of my brain that came up with this was
not alive before I met you."
-Paul, "Mad About You"
"I'm gonna go out. I'm gonna get a newspaper or somebody."
-Paul, "Up In Smoke"
"I'm going to go take a walk. Get a paper or someone."
-Jamie, "Up In Smoke"
* Not So Much *
"As a couch, I liked it. And as a `love seat,' not so much."
-Paul, "Sofa's Choice"
"Square dancing, not so much."
-Paul, "Weekend Getaway"
"No, the sound we have. It's the picture, not so much."
-Paul, "The Spy Who Loved Me"
BURT
This way everybody's happy.
PAUL
No, actually, not really. This way
YOU'RE happy. Me and the missus, not so much.
THERESA
Jamie's happy.
JAMIE
Not so much.
-"Giblets For Murray"
* By Any Other Name... *
"I'm Mrs. MacGyver."
-Jamie, "Love Among the Tiles"
JAMIE
Honey, could you take this?
PAUL
I'm sorry, did you just call me "Honey?"
JAMIE
No.
PAUL
I didn't think so.
-"Met Someone"
PAUL
How come they're out there, and I'm in
here being picked on by "The Peanut?"
JAMIE
Ah, you know what? Really don't call me that.
PAUL
What's wrong with "Peanut?"
JAMIE
Nothing, if you have a hat and a cane and
live on the side of a jar.
-"Paul In The Family"
"Please stop calling me `Mr. Paul.' Sounds like I married into a fish
stick dynasty."
-Paul, "Maid About You"
"Fung Wee, they should call Fung Yoo."
-Paul, "Sunday Times"
* "I was so wrong." *
"No, no, no. It's work-watching t.v. It's for this project he's
working on. Nobody's right and nobody's wrong...I'm a little bit more
right."
-Jamie, "Pandora's Box"
PAUL
So, in other words...
JAMIE
You were right.
PAUL
But more importantly...
JAMIE
I was wrong.
PAUL
There you go.
-"Togetherness"
* "He's a MONKEY." *
"Ryan? Ryan, the Muffin Man's dead."
-Paul, "I'm Just So Happy For You"
"Your nephew is so sweet, my uterus hurts."
-Jamie, "The Unplanned Child"
* Wisdom *
"Come here sweetheart. Let me explain something, and you should
really jot this down because this is very important...everything in
the world takes four hours."
-Paul, "Sofa's Choice"
"Just remember, you start out laughing, you end up crying."
-Paul, "Riding Backwards"
"What do I always say? If you go into a store assuming they don't
have your size, you come out with NOTHING."
-Fran, "Met Someone"
"The grass on other people's mothers is always greener."
-Paul, "The Last Scampi"
"See, this is why they came up with death. To give nice people like
you and me a little break from each other."
-Paul, "Till Death Do Us Part"
* "I HATE this city." *
"You know what this city has you don't find elsewhere? People come up
to you on the bus, tell you you're Wayne Rogers then yell at you for
leaving `M*A*S*H.'"
-Paul, "Maid About You"
JAMIE
Get half mushroom, half pepperoni.
PAUL
(on phone)
Let me ask you this...is it possible...
can I change the meatball to pepperoni? No.
JAMIE
He said "No?"
PAUL
He's telling me "No."
JAMIE
How can he say "No?"
PAUL
That's what they mean, "New York Style Pizza."
"Paul In The Family"
* "I thought we agreed, NO MOTHERS." *
"Yeah, well, don't trust my mom, because according to her, Grandma's
still taking a nap."
-Paul, "Bedfellows"
JAMIE
Well, what would YOU do if you were at
work and some woman walked in with your
dry cleaning?
PAUL
I'd say "Ma, go away."
-"Met Someone"
"Hello Ma. Ma. Ma? Ma! Look, I'm like a sheep but with m's."
-Paul, "The Last Scampi"
* Bing, Bang, Boom *
"Oh, Dickens makes me hot."
-Jamie, "When I'm Sixty-Four"
MAGGIE
You're 11D, aren't you? I think your
bedroom's next door to our kitchen.
We hear you through the wall sometimes.
JAMIE
Oh my god.
HAL
That's her!
-"Neighbors From Hell"
PAUL
Okay, so the earth didn't move.
JAMIE
The bath mat didn't even move.
-"Love Among the Tiles"
JAMIE
Yes, honey, "New York At Night" is a great
idea. Yes, honey, "New York At Night" is
going to be a great documentary. Yes, honey,
you are the premier filmmaker of your generation.
PAUL
Okay, I'm aroused.
-"Bing, Bang, Boom"
"You know what? In another two seconds, I may not need you."
-Paul, "Bing, Bang, Boom"
"Of course I want the `boom.' Guys ALWAYS want the `boom.' We only
made up the whole `bing' and the `bang' just to get the `boom.'"
-Paul, "Bing, Bang, Boom"
* "Fran and Mark, Mark and Fran." *
"Men say a lot of things. Only listen to a third of them."
-Fran, "Mad About You"
"Women need constant attention. Just talk to her. It doesn't matter
what you say. Two-thirds of what I say to Fran, I don't know what the
hell I'm talking about."
-Mark, "Mad About You"
JAMIE
You want to tell me why I just lied to
our closest friends?
PAUL
They wanted to take us to dinner.
JAMIE
The bastards.
-"Neighbors From Hell"
"You guys ever watch `Remington Steele?'"
-Mark, "Met Someone"
MARK
(TO FRAN)
You're on a DATE?
FRAN
This is Nick. He's in grad school
with Jamie.
MARK
Oh, this is great. How ya doin'?
I'm Dr. Devanow. I'm Fran's husband.
I made three hundred grand last year."
-"Storms We Cannot Weather"
"I had Mark moving boxes ONE HOUR after I proposed."
-Fran, "The Apartment"
PAUL
How many years did you go to college?
MARK
Four.
PAUL
And then med school?
MARK
Four.
PAUL
How long were you an intern?
MARK
One year.
PAUL
And then a resident?
MARK
Two.
PAUL
Good. Gimme a pound of grapes.
-"With This Ring"
"You know who I find attractive? Cesar Romero."
-Paul, imitating Mark, "Neighbors From Hell"
"Mark? They called again. The head's out."
-Fran, "The Spy Who Loved Me"
"I'm sorry. I had a tough delivery. Triplets. It's like pulling
three pot roasts out of a Pringles can."
-Mark, "Happy Anniversary"
* "Get me..." *
"Get me, I'm Dick Van Dyke!"
-Paul, "Pandora's Box"
PAUL
What are you telling me? You're
carnival people?
JAMIE
Yes. I'm the Amazing Awake Lady.
Get me...I'M UP!
-"Up All Night"
"Get me, I'm eleven."
-Paul, "The City"
"Get me, I'm Carrie Fisher."
-Paul, "Money Changes Everything"
* ...or "Dig me..." *
"Dig me, I'm at Alan Brady's table."
-Paul, "The Alan Brady Show"
"Hey! Dig me, I'm Arlene Francis."
-Paul, "My Boyfriend's Back"
* "Meemamamurmle...Meenomenamomleman..." *
WARREN
I'm a peripheral visionary.
FRAN
Which would be...?
WARREN
I can see into the future but just
way off to the side.
-"Murray's Tale"
"Hey, Paul, I can see you."
-Warren, "So I Married A Hair Murderer"
PAUL
His Uncle Cecil was a `prammity'
and a `dweezilbone?'
WARREN
Unless this guy is lying.
-"Destructive Criticism"
* "Oh, please, tell me it's not Lou..." *
"And Schmelling is down!"
-Lou, "The Unplanned Child"
"Lou? Try this, Lou. Show the guy on the phone, alright, then you
have the sound of the race track, the thing with the hand, and then
the stupid horse with the wings...that'll work."
-Paul, "It's A Wrap"
"Candy corn!"
-Lou, "The Unplanned Child"
* "Reinforcements!" *
LISA
Well, I have no job, no prospects,
no interests, no hobbies, bad hair,
I'm PMSing, do you think he'll like me?
JAMIE
What's not to like?
-"Natural History"
"Fine, be a SHOE."
-Lisa, "Virtual Reality"
LISA
Scrod?
PAUL
Royally.
-"The Ride Home"
LISA
Great, I've got 14 things and
three holes. What do I do?
IRA
Join the circus.
-"Mad Without You"
* Pezhead *
"Tell me something. How come everytime I meet a great girl, she's in
love with my cousin?"
-Ira, "A Pair of Hearts"
PAUL
Oh, man, how stupid am I?
IRA
What's the limit?
-"Disorientation"
SUSANNAH
Oh, boy. You've got stuff in your head.
IRA
I don't have anything in my head.
-"How To Fall In Love"
STUDENT
I don't date professors.
IRA
No, no, no. I'm not a professor.
(NUDGING PAUL) He is.
PAUL
Excuse me? I'm a professor, and
you're what, a student?
IRA
That's right.
PAUL
You've got like, three hairs on your head.
-"Disorientation"
* Oh, Canada *
"He says to me, `Put your luggage in the trunk.' I said, `No, that's
fine, there's room up here.' He says, `Put it in the trunk, put it in
the trunk.' I said, `Fine. Put it in the trunk.' EIGHTEEN DOLLARS
he charges me for putting the luggage in the trunk. I said, `It was
YOUR idea!' He said, `Luggage tax.' Luggage tax. I said, `What am
I, a Canadian? I LIVE HERE!'"
-Paul, "Same Time Next Week"
PAUL
Hey, wanna buy these tickets?
MAN IN LINE
Yeah, right.
PAUL
No, these are perfectly good.
I just bought them.
MAN IN LINE
What am I, from Winnipeg?
-"The City"
GUS
You know who's good at plumbing?
PAUL
Who?
GUS
Canadians.
PAUL
I never knew that.
GUS
It's common knowledge. That's what
they're known for. Bacon, hockey, and pipes.
-"Paul In The Family"
NED
Actually, we do have one deluxe
room overlooking the garden. A young
couple driving down from Canada reserved
it, but you know what I just realized?
PAUL
The hell with them!
NED
Exactly.
-"Weekend Getaway"
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