From a recent thread talking about the nose jokes from Cyrano de Bergerac
and Roxanne.
 
Subtitles from Gerard Depardieu's lines in _Cyrano de Bergerac_
 
1. Agressive: A nose in such a state, I'd amputate.
 
2. Friendly: It must dip in your cup, you need a crane to hoist it up.
 
3. Descriptive: A rock, a bluff, a cape.  No a peninsula in size and shape.
 
4. Curious: What is that oblong?  A writing desk, or am I wrong?
 
5. Gracious: Are you fond of birds?  How sweet.
   You provide a gothic perch for them to rest their feet.
 
6. Truculent: A smoker?  I suppose the fumes gush out from that nose like
   a chimney on fire.
 
7. Kind: It will drag you in the mire head-first with its weight.
 
8. Tender: I'll have an umbrella made to give it some summer shade.
 
9. Pedantic: The beast of Aristophanes the hippocampocamelelephunt 
   had flesh and bone like that up front.
 
10. Dramatic: It bleeds like the Red Sea.
 
11. Impressed: What a sign for a perfumery.
 
12. Lyrical: Ah, Triton rising from the waters.
 
13. Naive: How much to view the monument?
 
14. Warlike: Train it on the cavalry!
 
15. Practical: Put that in a lottery for noses and it'll be first prize.
 
16. And finally, with sighs and cries in language deeply felt:
    O that this too, too solid nose would melt.
 
 
Steve Martin in _Roxanne_
 
1. Obvious: Scuse me, is that your nose, or did a bus park on your face?
 
2. Meteorlogical: Everyone take cover, she's goiong to blow!
 
3. Fasionable: You know you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 
   something larger.....like Wyoming!
 
4. Personal: Well, here we are.  Just the three of us.
 
5. Punctual: Alright gentleman, your nose was on time, but you were fifteen 
   minutes late!
 
6. Envious: Oooo, I wish I were you.  To be able to smell your own ear.
 
7. Philisophical: You know it's not the size of the nose that's important.
   It's what's in it that matters.
 
8. Humerous: Laugh and the world laughs with you.  
   Sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle!
 
9. Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Shive and I can paint that nose for $39.95!
 
10. Polite: Uh, would you mind not bobbing your head?  The orchestra keeps
    changing tempo.
 
11. Melodic: Everyone now, "He's got the whooole world...in his nose."
 
12. Sypathetic: Awww, what happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
 
13. Complimentary: You must looove the little birdies, to give them this 
    to perch on.
 
14. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
 
15. Obscure: Huh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.  Hey, think about it.
 
16. Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?
 
17. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until 
    you leave!
 
At which point he asks the crowd: "How many is that?" and one of his
fire-fighters shouts: "Fourteen Chief!", who either was so drunk he couldn't
count, took a blind guess, or just wanted to see if C.D. could come up with
a few more than promised.
 
18. Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he?
 
19. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair?
 
20. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
 
21. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up and smell the coffee...in Brazil.
 
22. Appreciative: Ooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth capped.
 
23. Dirty: Pardon me sir, some of the ladies here asked if you wouldn't 
    mind putting that thing away.
 
The only one borrowed from Cyrano is number 13, the one about a place for
birds to perch.  C.D. later repeats this line when he takes out his pet
parakeet and indeed lets it perch on his probiscus.