"I am so psychosomatic it makes me sick just thinking about it!"
- George
"I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats
to every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So, please,
a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."
- George
"You're sooooooo good looking!"
- Jerry, responding to someone's
sneeze, in
"No, that's not karma, that's Krama."
- in "The Truth"
"Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed!"
- George, in "The Heart Attack"
"Stelllllllaaaaaaa!!!!"
- Elaine, high on muscle relaxants, to
Uncle Leo's wife Stella, in "The Pen"
"Sleeping with the cleaning lady... was that wrong?"
- George, in "The Red Dot"
"I've always been a stall man."
-
"Pft, pft, pft... Have a hair on my tongue, can't get it off.
You know how much I hate that? Of course you do... you put
it there."
- Crazy Joe Davola, leaving a message on
Jerry's answering machine, in "The Opera"
"That is one angry clown."
- Jerry, in "The Opera"
"It's like a sauna in here!"
- Kramer, sitting in a sauna, in
"I just wanted to borrow your dustbuster."
- Kramer
"The little man knows all!"
- Kramer
"My little man's an idiot!"
- George
"Let me ask you... What will you do if Martin wakes up? Run
away like a mouse?"
"No, more like the three stooges at the end of every movie."
"Who are these stooges you speak of?"
"They're a comedy team."
"Tell me about them--everything."
"Well, they're three kinda funny-looking guys and they hit
each other a lot."
"You will show me these stooges?"
"I vill show you da stooges." (With fake accent)
"When?"
"Well, I don't really know where the stooges are right now
but if I locate them you'll be the first to know."
- Jerry and Gina, in "The Suicide"
"I'm a man who respects a good coma."
- in "The Suicide"
"Is it lupus? Is it lupus??!!"
- George, in "The Suicide"
"You can say what you want about me, but I'll be *damned* if
I'm gonna stand here while you insult my toothbrush!"
- Jerry's retort to Gina, who had just
told him that his toothbrush doesn't
have enough bristles, in "The Suicide"
"I like to help the humans."
- Kramer
"I love the Drake."
- Jerry
"Snapple?"
- Jerry, offering his favorite
beverage to guests.
==============================================================
"It's like a bald convention out there!"
- Auditioning actress, commenting on
all the would-be Georges, in "The Pilot"
"That little bald guy is driving me nuts!"
- TV Kramer, in "The Pilot"
"Because he's *my* butler!"
- Jerry, in "The Pilot"
"It may be time for the dreaded apparatus."
- Jerry to Kramer, who is constipated,
in "The Pilot"
==============================================================
"How could anyone not like Jerry?!"
- Jerry's mom, in "The Pilot"
"Why can't I just exist?????"
- George, in
"I could have been a millionaire!! I could have been a
FRAGRANCE millionaire!!!"
- Kramer, in Jerry's apartment, after
smelling Elaine and realizing that
Calvin Klein stole his cologne idea,
in "The Pick"
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by
people other than me."
- Jerry, in "The Pick"
"You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? Here's
your Christmas card!!!"
- Elaine to George, as she grabs his
head and pulls it into her chest,
in "The Pick"
"No pick! NO PICK!"
- Jerry, after being caught in the middle
of a dubious nose scratch, in "The Pick"
"If we pick, do we not bleed?!"
- Jerry, in "The Pick"
"His buttocks are sublime."
- A Calvin Klein executive, admiring
Kramer, in "The Pick"
==============================================================
"Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in."
- Jerry to Kramer, who wants Jerry
to return some bad fruit
"HEY! Where's my WAVE!!"
- Jerry, in the car, to another
driver he had let go by
==============================================================
"Jerry, he's a *guy*"
- Elaine to Jerry, who is concerned
about making a good impression on
his new friend Keith Hernandez,
in "The Boyfriend"
"There had to have been a second spitter."
- Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"
"That must've been one magic loogie."
- Jerry, during a reenactment of the
spitting incident with Kramer and
Newman, in "The Boyfriend"
"You like gum? I got a gum guy!"
- George to unemployment office worker,
in "The Boyfriend"
"And you want to be my latex salesman."
- Jerry, as George lay sprawled on the
floor, his pants around his ankles,
in "The Boyfriend"
==============================================================
"That's a hard minute... It's like standing in the shower waiting
for the conditioner to work."
- George, in "The Busboy"
"You gotta see the baby. Again with the baby. When are you
gonna see the baby? Why can't they just send us a tape?"
- Jerry
"Don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good.
I'm really very, very, good."
- Elaine
"Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me."
- Jerry
"Pity's very underrated. I like pity. It's good."
- George
"I'm human... in my way"
- Kramer
"It moved."
- George, after getting a massage from a man,
in "The Note"
"Master of the house... Keeper of the zoo..."
- George, who can't get a song from "Les
Miserables" out of his head, in "The Jacket"
"Kramer saw me naked. How can I go on?"'
- Elaine
"Maybe the dingo ate your baby..."
- Elaine, to a snooty party guest, in
"My father didn't pay for parking, my mother, my brother, nobody.
It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay for it? If
I apply myself, maybe I can get it for free."
- George, in "The Parking Spot"
"The panties that your mother laid out for you?"
- Jerry's non-sequitur, mood-killing reply
to a girlfriend's precoital comment about
her panties, in "The Cheever Letters"
"Hey, I've got a rubber pencil thing happening here."
- Elaine, in "The Cheever Letters"
"It's a show about nothing."
- Jerry and George, proposing a pilot to NBC,
in "The Ticket"
"Oh, hello... *Newman*..."
- Jerry's distasteful greeting to Newman
"If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Handicapped Spot"
==============================================================
"A guy who's about five foot eleven, he's got uh, a big head and
flared nostrils."
- Kramer, describing Jerry, in "The Movie"
"Like, a horse face, big teeth, and a pointed nose."
- George, describing Jerry, in "The Movie"
"A short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty Dumpty with a
melon head."
- The ticket lady, describing George,
in "The Movie"
"A pretty woman, you know, kinda short, big wall of hair, face
like a frying pan."
- George, describing Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Have you seen a tall, lanky dufus with a bird face and hair
like the bride of Frankenstein?"
- Elaine, describing Kramer, in "The Movie"
"I don't want a movie hot dog. I want a Papaya King hot dog!"
- Kramer, in "The Movie"
"George, you're sappin' my strength."
- Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Do you think I need to lose some weight?
"Weight? No, you just need some height."
- Pat and Jerry, in "The Movie"
"No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the
difference?"
- Jerry, to his annoying colleague Pat,
in "The Movie"
"No, I don't want to go to a mini-plex multi-theater! It's not
a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POW's to show
them propaganda films."
- Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's
even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off."
- Elaine, in "The Movie"
"Can I have a medium diet coke?"
"Do you want the medium size or the middle size?"
"What's the difference?"
"Well, we have three sizes - medium, large and jumbo."
"What happened to the small?"
"There is no small. Small's medium."
"What's medium?"
"Medium's large and large is jumbo."
"Okay, give me the large."
"That's medium."
"Right. Can I have a small popcorn?"
"There is no small. Child-size is small."
"What's medium?"
"Adult."
"Do adults ever order the child-size?"
"Not usually."
"Okay, give me the adult."
"Do you want butter?"
"Is it real butter?"
"It's butter flavoring."
"What is it made of?"
"It's yellow."
- Elaine and a woman behind the
snack counter, in "The Movie"
==============================================================
"I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works: the window doesn't work,
the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker."
- Jerry, in "The Airport"
"You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl
runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing
out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man!
Get your knees up!"
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Airport"
"I can not express to you the feeling I get from a perfect
airport pickup."
- George, in "The Airport"
"I like to stop at the duty free shop!"
- George and Kramer, singing,
in "The Airport"
"Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your
knees!"
- Kramer to George, in "The Airport"
"You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup!
It's a binding social contract. We must go forward, not back."
- George, in "The Airport"
"You know what? They got the fudge on the bottom - ya see?
That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're
eating your ice cream."
- Jerry, eating a sundae, in "The Airport"
"I never met a man who knew so much about nothing."
- Tia the model to Jerry, in "The Airport"
"More anything?"
"More everything!"
- Airline attendant and Jerry, who is
enjoying his first class meal, in
"The Airport"
"Oh, you got *cookies*!"
- Elaine, sneaking into first class,
in "The Airport"
==============================================================
"You scared me!"
"It's just me."
"That's enough!"
- Jerry and Kramer, bumping into each
other in Jerry's apartment, in "The Keys"
"You were so fast with those keys."
- Jerry's date, in "The Keys"
"I broke the covenant of the keys."
- Kramer, returning Jerry's keys, in "The Keys"
"I was clinging to those keys, man, like a branch on the banks
of a raging river, and now I have let go and I'm free to go
with the current, to float, and I thank you."
- Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Do you ever yearn?"
- Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Having the keys to Jerry's apartment - that kept me in a
fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house it was
like a vacation: better food, better view, better TV, cleaner,
oh, *much* cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the
squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see,
through Jerry's eyes. I was living in the twilight, living
in the shadows, living in the darkness... like you."
"Me?!"
"Oh, I can barely see you, George."
"Stop it Kramer, you're freakin' me out."
- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
"Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in
the morning?"
"I like to get the Daily News."
- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
"I gotta get some new friends."
- Elaine, in "The Keys"
"Up here, I'm already gone."
- Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Hey Kramer, have you ever killed a man?!"
"What do you think Junior? You think these hands - they've
been soaking in Ivory Liquid?"
- Punk dude and Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middleman. You were
gonna give her her spare keys and she was gonna give 'em to me.
So all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her
you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she
gave you yours you didn't give her hers because then she would've
given them to me. So then I would never have had to ask you for
hers so I could get mine."
"You're right. How did I miss that? (mumbling) Maybe cuz'
it's a crock o' sh...."
"What's that?"
"Nothing."
"I heard something..."
- Jerry and George, in "The Keys"
==============================================================
"It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like."
- George, in "The Fix-Up"
"Are my nostrils getting bigger?"
- Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become
hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you
don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
"So, hopelessness is the key?"
"It's my only hope."
- George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"Order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up."
- Cynthia, in "The Fix-Up"
"Your standards are too high."
"I went out with you."
"That's because my standards are too low."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"What am I, a hooker?"
- Elaine, in "The Fix-Up"
"You wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook."
- Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is
important to me."
- George, in "The Fix-Up"
"Can't you two see... that you're in LOVE with each other?"
- Kramer, breaking up Jerry and Elaine's
fight, in "The Fix-Up"
"The next one of you that opens up your mouth and says something,
you're gonna have to deal with me!"
- Kramer, breaking up a fight between
Jerry and George, in "The Fix-Up"
"I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend."
"She's not bitter."
"Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Fix-Up"
"My boys can swim!"
- George, learning that he might
be a father, in "The Fix-Up"
==============================================================
"This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents
are in your bed!"
- Jerry, in "The Stakeout"
"So, um, do you date immature men?
- Jerry, to Vanessa, in "The Stakeout"
"When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand
up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?"
- Jerry, in "The Stakeout"
"Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet,
Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft..."
- Jerry, trying to remember where a
woman works, in "The Stakeout"
"Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?"
- Elaine to Jerry, in "The Stakeout"
"C'mon, there will be people to mock."
- Jerry to Elaine, trying to convince her
to go to a wedding, in "The Stakeout"
==============================================================
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
- Jerry, denying that he is gay, but
not wanting to be seen as anti-gay,
in "The Outing"
"You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the
window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"
- George, trying to get rid of his
current girlfriend, in "The Outing"
"Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
"Living or all time?"
"All time."
"Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins
and ends with Brezhnev."
"I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?"
"Lyndon Johnson was uglier than DeGaulle."
"I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree."
- Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Outing"
"I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939
goose-stepping past me: 'C'mon Jerry, go along, go along...'"
- Jerry to George, in "The Outing"
"Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat."
"And you get along well with women."
"I guess that leaves me in the clear..."
- Jerry, Elaine and George, on why
some people might thing Jerry is
gay, in "The Outing"
"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes
and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs
and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been
close ever since."
- George, explaining how he and Jerry met,
in "The Outing"
"Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with
me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!"
- George, trying to convince a reporter
that he's not gay, in "The Outing"
"Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your
coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!"
- George, in "The Outing"
Guys And Dolls? Isn't that a lavish, broadway musical?
"It's Guys And *Dolls*, not Guys And *Guys*."
- Jerry and George, still concerned
that people might think they're gay,
in "The Outing"
"Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything
about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you
leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making
porno films."
"Yeah. I'm Buck Naked."
- George's mother and George, in "The Outing"
"I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay."
"You're gay?"
"Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness."
- George and Allison, as he tries one
more tactic to end the relationship,
in "The Outing"
==============================================================
"Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when
they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I
like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?"
"Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before
it'll all be over..."
- George and Jerry, discussing women,
in "The Old Man"
"There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?
"Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and
I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure."
- George and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
"What kind of a person are you?"
"I think I'm pretty much like you -- only successful."
- George and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
"The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth."
- Kramer, in "The Old Man"
"Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?"
"I'm a United States postal worker."
"Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with
a gun and shoot everybody?"
"Sometimes..."
"Why *is* that?"
"Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming
and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every
day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it
out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in.
And then the bar code reader breaks and it's Publisher's
Clearing House day!"
- George, Newman and Jerry, in "The Old Man"
"Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!"
- Sid Fields, who doesn't appreciate Jerry's
attempts to be friendly, in "The Old Man"
"What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in
the eye and tell me that you're not worried?! Don't you have any
sense?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile
that you don't know what you're talking about anymore!? Wait a
second, where are you going?"
"Life's too short to waste on you."
- George and Ben, who, at 85 years-old
isn't as worried about dying as George
seems to be, in "The Old Man"
"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well.
I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my
grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."
- George, in "The Old Man"
"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over
your body.
- George, testing the housekeeper's
inability to understand English,
in "The Old Man"
==============================================================
"Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without
doing anything..."
"Y'know, I have friends who try to base their whole life on
that principle."
"Really? Who?"
"Nobody you know..."
- George and Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"
"Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons
and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling..."
- Jerry, describing how he met a woman in
the supermarket, in "The Junior Mints"
"Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day..."
- Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"
"Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing
anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing
something."
- George, explaining why he wants
to watch a video at Jerry's place,
in "The Junior Mints"
"It's like a ski lodge..."
- Kramer's description of the new look of
his apartment after he put up fake-wood
wallpaper, in "The Junior Mints"
"Y'know I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would
make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe - 'Jerry Jerry
Dingleberry', 'Seinsmelled'..."
- Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"
"Let me just finish my coffee, and then we'll go watch them cut
the fat bastard up."
- Jerry to Kramer, in "The Junior Mints"
"Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's
peppermint -- it's *delicious*!"
- Kramer, in "The Junior Mints"
"I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened
during the operation that staved off that infection. Something
beyond science. Something perhaps from above..."
"Mint?"
"Those can be very refreshing."
- The doctor and Kramer,
in "The Junior Mints"
"You don't know my name, do you?"
"Yes I do."
"What is it?"
"It, uh, rhymes with a female body part."
"What is it?"
"Mulva..."
- Dolores and Jerry,
in "The Junior Mints"
==============================================================
"What am I... hard of smelling?"
- Elaine to Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually stays with the "B".
Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it."
- Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"I *loooove* horse manure."
- Elaine, who would rather smell
anything other than Jerry's car,
in "The Smelly Car"
"Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man
will always trade sleep for sex."
- Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell
Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with
a big, soapy brush..."
- Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing
now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out,
I never would've broken up with her."
- George, finding out that his former
girlfriend is a lesbian, in "The
Smelly Car"
"You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more
powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would
be helpless against this kind of stench."
- Jerry, describing the B.O. smell in
his car, in "The Smelly Car"
"I still smell!"
"You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence!
It's the beast!"
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Smelly Car"
"Amazing! I drive them to lesbianism, and he brings 'em back!"
- George, on Kramer, in "The Smelly Car"
"First he vomits on me. Then he burns down my father's cabin.
And now he's taken Mona away from me."
- Susan, George's ex-girlfriend, on Kramer,
in "The Smelly Car"
==============================================================
"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't
stare at it. You get a sense and then look away."
- Jerry, in "The Shoes"
==============================================================
"You'll be out before we get the check!"
- Jerry to Kramer, who wants in
on "The Contest"
"Hey, lemme ask you a question -- in these nudist colonies,
do they eat naked in the dining room?"
"I would imagine it's all naked."
"What about the chambermaids, are they naked too?"
"They're naked. The gardener's naked. Bellhops. It's
one big Nude-O-Rama."
- Jerry and George, in "The Contest"
"Too bad you couldn't do *that* for a living... You'd be very
successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden.
Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star!"
- George's mother, chastising her son
for treating his body like "an amusement
park," in "The Contest"
"Yeah... butt... butt... Great butt... John John's butt..."
- Elaine, almost speechless after
finding out that John F. Kennedy Jr.
will be in her aerobics class, in
"The Contest"
"Good night. Not just a good night... a *great* night!"
- Jerry to Marla, in "The Contest"
"Are you Master of your Domain?"
"I am King of the County. You?"
"Lord of the Manor."
"I'm Queen of the castle!"
- Jerry, George and Elaine, in "The Contest"
"So, you're still Master of your Domain?"
"Yes, yes I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you
this: I'm going over to her apartment and I'm tellin' her
to put those shades down!"
"Wait, wait wait... Whoa, whoa whoa-- what did you just say?"
"I can't take it any more! She's drivin' me crazy. I can't
sleep, I can't leave the house. When I'm here I'm climbin'
the walls. Meanwhile I'm datin' a virgin, I'm in this
contest... something's gotta give!"
"Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a
beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to
stop!? That's the *dumbest* thing I ever heard. I mean, it's
incomprehens-- I'm not gonna let you do it!"
"Well, I'm doin' it. Get out of my way..."
"No, you can't! This is something that comes about once in a
lifetime. When we were boys looking through our bedroom windows
we would think, 'Why can't there be a woman out there taking her
clothes off?' And now that wish has come true and you want to...
pfffft... throw it away?!"
- Kramer and Jerry, fighting over the
woman across the street, in "The Contest"
"Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? You tryin' to hurt me? You're
tryin 'to injure me, right? You're tryin to hurt me..."
- Elaine, who can't believe that JFK Jr.
is interested in her, in "The Contest"
"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round..."
"The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..."
"The washers on the bus go woosh woosh woosh, woosh woosh woosh..."
"The woman across the block has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Contest"
"Where did you get those socks?!"
"I dunno..."
"I think those are *my* socks!"
"How are these *your* socks?"
"I dunno, but those are *my* socks! I had a pair just like
that with the blue stripe and now I don't *have* them anymore!"
"Oh yeah, that's right, you fell asleep one day on the
sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet, they looked
so good to me, I just had to have 'em!!!
"Yeah, well, they're *MY SOCKS*!"
"They're my socks!!!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Contest"
"You caved?!"
"It's over!?!"
"You're out?!?"
"Oh my God, the Queen is dead!"
"I figured you'd cruise, at least through the spring..."
- George and Jerry, reacting with
shock at the news that Elaine
has dropped out of "The Contest"
"Elaine... Benes... Kennedy... Junior..."
- Elaine, fantasizing about marrying
JFK Jr., in "The Contest"
==============================================================
"It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail, anyway."
"Elaine, that's what mail *is*. Without bills, magazines
and junk mail, there *is* no mail."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Visa"
"You're a very very good man."
- Babu to Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy
camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live
like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into
money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without
dating. *That's* a fantasy camp!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El-Clowno!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast I love. Never start
the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to
toast."
- George, trying to be witty,
in "The Visa"
"Why don't we just put these two tables together?"
"No no, you can't do that. They're round... it makes
an eight...."
- Elaine and George, who doesn't
want any company on his date,
in "The Visa"
"The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and
prestige to propel you well into the twenty-first century."
- Elaine, imitating a snooty spokesmodel,
in "The Visa"
"He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show,
she'll walk out on his show and go see the other show."
- Elaine, about George, in "The Visa"
"Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's
all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now
you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be
a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so
funny."
- George, to Jerry, in "The Visa"
"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's
gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate
we are that someday a better self will emerge, each flicker
of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for
the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who
we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy
birthday? No such thing."
- Jerry, trying not to be funny,
in "The Visa"
"Do you ever laugh?"
"Not really. Sometimes when I'm in the tub..."
"That's so sad. What do you do?"
"I'm a comedian."
- Cheryl and Jerry, in "The Visa"
"His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal..."
- George, describing Jerry,
in "The Visa"
"Nobody is sicker than me."
- George, in "The Visa"
"But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"Hey! I thought you weren't coming back 'til Monday!?"
"Well, the camp ended a few days early."
"Why?"
"Well, there was an incident."
"What happened?"
"I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth."
"What!?"
"Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital
and then they cancelled the rest of the week."
"You punched *who* in the mouth?"
"Mickey Mantle."
"What happened?"
"Well, you know, we were playin' a game and I was pitching
and I was really throwin' some smoke. And uh, Joe Pepitone,
he was up and man, that guy... he was crowding the plate!"
"Wow... Joe Pepitone!"
"Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that
plate! So I throw one inside, a little chin music... put
him right on his pants, because I got to intimidate when
I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back
in the same place! So.... I had to plunk him."
"You plunked him?"
"Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing
up to the mound, next thing both benches are cleared, a
brouhaha breaks out between the guys in camp and the old
Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron
off one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind
and I turned around and I *popped* him! I look down
and, whoa man! It's Mickey! I punched his lights out!
Then Hank Bauer's screaming 'Mickey! Mickey! What have
you have done with Mickey?! You killed Mickey!'"
"So what did you do?"
"I got the hell outta there!"
- Jerry, Kramer and Elaine, as Kramer
describes the fun he had at camp,
in "The Visa"
"You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!!"
- Babu, after finding out that Jerry
is the reason he's being deported
back to Pakistan, in "The Visa"
"Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!"
- Babu's brother, in "The Visa"
"Snapple?"
"No. Too fruity."
- Elaine and Babu's brother,
in "The Visa"
"I am going to save up every rupee. For someday, I will get back
to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man.
I cannot forget it. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. Very,
very bad man."
- Babu, blaming Jerry for his deportation
to Pakistan, in "The Visa"
==============================================================
"My personal acting technique is working with color. Imagining,
then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the
color. See, if you look through my scripts, you see that all
my lines have a special color. So, I don't memorize language,
I memorize colors. This way I can go through red, yellow,
green, blue, and you have a full palette of emotions."
- Kramer gives a lecture, in "The Trip"
"I happen to dress based on mood."
"But you essentially wear the same thing all the time."
"Seemingly, but within that basic framework there are many
subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer
that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides
of George Costanza."
"And what mood is this?"
"This is morning mist."
- George and Jerry, in "The Trip"
"I've always been a little nervous about these things. I'm
afraid I'm going to step through into another dimension."
- George, before going through a
metal detector, in "The Trip"
"I must have iron-rich blood."
- Jerry, after setting off the
metal detector, in "The Trip"
"I'm not crazy. I may look weird, but I'm just like you...
I'm just a regular guy."
- Kramer, talking to Fred Savage,
in "The Trip"
"Body lotion! Jerry, body lotion!"
- George, excited about the hotel
room, in "The Trip"
"That's one tuck, one no-tuck."
- George, in "The Trip"
"I like to be able to take the blankets and swish them and
swirl them."
- George, in "The Trip"
"He's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled,
strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course, there's
nothing abnormal about that. I have many suitors."
- Elena, the out-of-work-for-58-years
actress, in "The Trip"
"A payphone in L.A. Look, it's a miracle."
- George, in "The Trip"
"I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like
asking them to donate a kidney."
- George, in "The Trip"
"Hello, 911? How are ya?"
- Jerry, in "The Trip"
"Hey officer! He's foolin' around back here!"
- Jerry, while he and George ride
around in a "black & white", in
"The Trip"
"You know what I've never understood? Why did they change the
siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always 'WAAAAAH WAAAAAH'
and now it's 'WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO'. Why'd they do that? I mean,
did they do some research? Did they find out that WOO-WOO was
a more effective siren than WAAAH?"
"Hey, and what about those English sirens? 'EEE YAAAH,
EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH'..."
- George and Jerry, in "The Trip"
"Hey, how'd you know about the guy in the park?"
- Kramer, to the police detective,
in "The Trip"
"I'm doin' what I do, the way I've always done it, and the way
I'll always do it."
- Kramer, in "The Trip"
"If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have
huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin."
- George, in "The Trip"
==============================================================
"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're
thinking, '*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual.'"
- George, in "The Subway"
"What am I, made of money? You bunch of deadbeats!"
- Elaine, stuck with the check
again, in "The Subway"
"Looking for the quotes. Gotta check the quotes. Love a
good quote."
- George, trying to impress a woman,
in "The Subway"
"Big brokerage houses killed my father."
- George, still trying to impress a
woman, in "The Subway"
"It's ironic."
"What's ironic?"
"This. That we've come all this way, we made all this progress,
but, you know, we lost the little things, the niceties."
"No, I mean, what does `ironic' mean?"
- Elaine and woman on subway,
in "The Subway"
"My luck. I don't talk to a soul on the subway for thirty-five
years. I get the best man at a lesbian wedding."
- A woman on the subway, talking to
Elaine, in "The Subway"
"I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!"
- Elaine, in "The Subway"
"His mother was a mudder... His father was a mudder."
- Kramer, in "The Subway"
"You realize, of course, you're naked."
"Naked, dressed, I don't see any difference."
"You ought to sit *here*. There's a difference."
"You got something against a naked body?"
"I got something against yours. How about a couple deep knee
bends, maybe some squat thrusts."
"Who's got time for squat thrusts?"
"All right, how 'bout skippin' breakfast? I'm guessing you're
not a half-grapefruit and black coffee man."
"I like a good breakfast."
"I understand, I like a good breakfast. As long as you don't
wind up trapped in a room in bib overalls and pigtails being
counseled by Dick Gregory."
"I'm not ashamed of my body."
"Exactly. That's your problem. You should be."
- Jerry and the Naked Guy, in "The Subway"
"Tell you what, if they win the pennant this year, I'll sit naked
with you at the World Series."
- Jerry, to the naked guy, in "The Subway"
"You can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?"
- George, after being robbed by a
beautiful woman, in "The Subway"
"Biff! What, did you whistle in the elevator?"
- Jerry, seeing George walk into
the diner wearing nothing but a
a sheet, in "The Subway"
"Yo Yo Ma!"
- Kramer, after being kicked in the head
by Crazy Joe Davola, in "
==============================================================
"Tub is love."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"Nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes,
you hope for the best. I really think they're happy
if you just make an effort."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"Who's fakin'?"
- Elaine, in "The Mango"
"That whole thing, the whole production, it was all
an act?"
- Jerry, after Elaine told him
that she always faked it, in
"The Mango"
"They've all been faking..."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's
sexual perjury!"
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment. She
woke me up a few times."
- Kramer, admiring Elaine's ability
to fake it, in "The Mango"
"I know how to press those buttons, buddy."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"You know, I faked it."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"This peach is sub-par."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"You gotta stand behind your fruit."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"What am I gonna do for fruit?!"
- Kramer, starting to panic,
in "The Mango"
"Give me another shot!"
- Jerry, wanting another
chance to make Elaine happy,
in "The Mango"
"Fifteen minutes! I can make it happen!"
- Jerry, pleading with Elaine,
in "The Mango"
"Oh that Meryl Streep. She's such a phoney baloney!"
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"Can't you tell I'm upset?"
"No, maybe you're faking!"
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Mango"
"They're mysterious little fellows, aren't they?"
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
"If I give you money, would you go out and get me
some fruit?"
- Kramer to Jerry, after being
barred from the fruit store,
in "The Mango"
"They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket.
The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know
what's going on with the papayas!"
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"I'm gonna make you a fruit list."
- Kramer, after Jerry agrees to go
to the fruit store, in "The Mango"
"I like mangoes."
- Kramer, in "The Mango"
"I can't buy mangoes and plantains?"
- Jerry, talking with a suspicious
fruit store owner, in "The Mango"
"I've only got hundreds."
- Kramer, asked for change,
in "The Mango"
"This is like a taste explosion."
- George, tasting his first mango,
in "The Mango"
"Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American theatre."
- Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Mango"
"Alright, let's go. I'll give ya half an hour."
- Elaine, letting Jerry have another
shot, in "The Mango"
"We have to have sex to save the friendship."
- Jerry, in "The Mango"
==============================================================
"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just
completely changes the relationship."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I think you're all a little touched in the head."
- George's mom, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I don't know if I feel comfortable handing out baloney
sandwiches in the building."
- Jerry, to George's mom,
in "The Puffy Shirt"
"You can look at them, but do not touch them."
- George, letting the others admire
his hands, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"Oh, those are nice. Ya know, I never noticed this before.
They're smooth, creamy, delicate, yet masculine."
- Kramer, admiring George's hands,
in "The Puffy Shirt"
"You're going to be the first pirate!"
- Kramer, to Jerry, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"Stress is very damaging to the epidermis."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I won a contest."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"You could be the first pirate comedian."
- Bryant Gumbel, to Jerry,
in "The Puffy Shirt"
"My whole life was ruined because of the puffy shirt."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray."
- Kramer, in "The Puffy Shirt"
==============================================================
"Do you ever spit on anybody from here?"
- Elaine, looking out Jerry's window,
in "The Glasses"
"Rock on!"
- Kramer, in "The Glasses"
"I gotta get out of this city."
"So you're tunneling to the center of the earth?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
"Who steals prescription glasses?"
"You don't have an old pair?"
"I broke 'em playing basketball."
"He was running from a bee."
- George, Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Glasses"
"Retail is for suckers."
- Kramer, in "The Glasses"
"Once again, I'm standing her like a little man."
- George, in "The Glasses"
"He was spottin' raccoons on the road."
- Jerry, lauding George's ability
to squint, in "The Glasses"
"Do I need a shot?"
"Not shot. Dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang."
- Elaine and a doctor,
in "The Glasses"
"It's a Commando-8, 12,000 BTU's. It's gonna be like
a meat locker in here!"
- Jerry, trying to impress Amy
with his new air conditioner,
in "The Glasses"
"Everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws
in me. Now she sees a side."
"What side?"
"A bad side, an ugly side."
"Oh, so what?"
"So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another
six months. Now you made me throw off the whole learning curve."
- Jerry and George, in "The Glasses"
"I was spottin' those raccoons..."
"They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart
to tell you."
- George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
"I don't know what to believe. You're eatin' onions, you're
spottin' dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"
- Jerry, to George, in "The Glasses"
"Right this way, Mister Doody."
- Kramer, in "The Glasses"
"You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking
you over to Joe's Fruit Stand and stuffing cantaloupe down
your throat!"
- Kramer, to the optometrist,
in "The Glasses"
"I don't know what to tell ya, Elton."
- Jerry, making fun of George's
glasses, in "The Glasses"
"May I have one of those, madam?"
- Kramer, making fun of George's
glasses, in "The Glasses"
"Is this going to hurt?"
"Yes, very much."
- Elaine and a doctor,
in "The Glasses"
"I'm very mysterious by nature. A lot of women find
that attractive."
"I find it annoying."
- Jerry and Amy, in "The Glasses"
==============================================================
"Ask your mother. You live with her now, don't you?"
- Elaine, to George, in "The
Sniffing Accountant"
"Jerry, where'd you get that sweater?"
"What do you think? I found it in the back of
my closet."
"I think that's what the back of closets are for."
- George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"He was definitely sniffing."
- George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Don't forget to wash your hands before supper."
- Elaine, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"He doesn't know anything about bras."
- George's mom, in "The Sniffing
Accountant"
"I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back."
- George, who must know something
about bras, in "The Sniffing
Accountant"
"Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?"
- Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly
as you do."
- Jake, to Elaine, in "The Sniffing
Accountant"
"It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it!"
- Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"I've never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation."
- Jerry, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Yes, I'm impugning a continent."
- Jerry, discussing South America,
in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"I'm sure if we put our three heads together, we should come
up with something."
- Newman, to Jerry and Kramer, in "The
Sniffing Accountant"
"Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel.
Sunday has a feel."
"I feel Tuesday and Wednesday."
- Newman and Kramer, in "The Sniffing
Accountant"
"Maybe we ought to become private detectives."
"Maybe you should."
"Maybe I will."
"Yeah, me too."
- Kramer, Jerry and Newman, in
"The Sniffing Accountant"
"What do you need me in the car for?"
"I might need you to get me another soda."
- Newman and Jerry, in
"The Sniffing Accountant"
"Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two, but then
again, I've been known to do a lot of things."
- Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Here's to feeling good all the time."
- Kramer, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"I'm hip."
"Hip to what?"
"To the whole scene."
"What scene?"
"The bathroom scene."
- Kramer and the accountant,
in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"From the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was
enthralled."
- George, in "The Sniffing Accountant"
"Oh no! The letter! Newman! It's got exclamation points
all over it!"
"Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The
Sniffing Accountant"
"Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?"
- Jerry, describing his shirt,
in "The Sniffing Accountant"
==============================================================
"And then the placenta comes flying out!"
- Jerry's friend, describing the
birth of his son, in "The Bris"
"Maybe the baby would like to see the spot."
- George, showing off his perfect
parking spot, in "The Bris"
"A pig-man! Half pig, half man!"
- Kramer, describing what he thought
he saw in the hospital, in "The Bris"
"It had no face, no personality. It was like a martian."
- Elaine, describing an uncircumsized
penis, in "The Bris"
"How about our little Elaine... Attending the finest finishing
schools on the eastern seaboard, equestrian competitions,
debutante balls... Look at her now - interviewing mohels."
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"Hey, I'm telling you, the pig-man is alive. The government has
been experimenting with pig-men since the 50's."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"They're probably creating a whole army of pig-warriors."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men
walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way
if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least
he's no pig-man.'"
- George, in "The Bris"
"Believe me, somewhere in this hospital the anguished oink of
pig-man cries out for help."
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"If I hear an anguished oink, I'm outta here."
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"If the pig-man had a car, he'd give you a ride."
- Kramer, to George, in "The Bris"
"Relax. You'd think *you* were gettin' whacked."
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Bris"
"Hey, we're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is gonna
be his first memory of his parents, just standing there while
some stranger cuts off a piece of his manhood and then serves
a catered lunch!"
- Kramer, in "The Bris"
"Cows don't have families. You make a mistake with a cow, you
move on with your life."
- The mohel, in "The Bris"
"The mohel circumsized my finger!"
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"I've never had stitches! I'll be deformed. I can't live with
that. It goes against my whole personality. It's just not me!"
- Jerry, in "The Bris"
"Ah well, if it isn't Shakey the Mohel."
- Jerry, to the mohel, in "The Bris"
"And he's not a pig-man, is he?"
"No he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient."
- George and Kramer, in "The Bris"
==============================================================
"I'm not a terrible person."
"Noooo...."
"No, when I shoo squirrels away, I always say 'Get out of here."
I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like
other people."
"That's nice."
"Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare
at them, and yet I'm careful not to look away, see, because
I want to make the freaks feel comfortable."
"That's nice for the freaks."
"Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I go to the movies so
people can see."
- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Lip Reader"
"You want to be a ball man? Go ahead and break the ball barrier."
- Jerry, to Kramer, in "The Lip Reader"
"It's not you, it's me.... You're giving me the 'It's not you,
it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody
tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
"Alright, George, it's you."
"You're damn right it's me."
"Look, I was just trying to...."
"I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
"Well I'm sure you do it very well."
"Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."
- George and Gwen, breaking up,
in "The Lip Reader"
"So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it?
Do you really think she'd be that superficial?"
"Why not? I would be."
- Jerry and George, in "The Lip Reader"
"How about six? Six is good. You got a problem with six?"
- Jerry, to a confused lip reader,
in "The Lip Reader"
"Hey pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years?"
"I may be old, but I'm spry."
- A ball boy and Kramer, in "The Lip Reader"
"You remember this: When you control the mail, you control
information!"
- Newman, in "The Lip Reader"
"She doesn't know what she's talking about!"
- Kramer, who uses his own special
kind of sign language, in "The
Lip Reader"
"Thus ends the great ball man experiment."
- Jerry, after Kramer tackles Monica
Seles, in "The Lip Reader"
==============================================================
"How could this not have any fat? It's too good!"
- George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"This is so *!@#$*! good!"
- Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Something wrong with your arm?"
"Uh yeah, actually, I bumped my elbow on a desk and injured
something and now it sort of moves involuntarily."
- Lloyd and George, in
"The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"It's got a remarkable texture."
- Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"What'sa matter?"
"I was having lunch and I bit down on the fork."
"Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience
a person could still make a mistake like that."
- Jerry and Elaine, in
"The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this?
A whole empire based on putting your feet up?"
- Jerry, after a good standup routine,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"You don't eat Oreos? The way you break 'em open and....
It's like you're having sex with 'em."
- Kramer, to Elaine,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat."
"Oh, guess again, tubby."
- Jerry and Kramer,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Hey, I'll tell you what, chubbs, if that yogurt has fat in it,
I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week."
"Well, let's start the insanity."
"Mmmmmm.... giddyup!"
- Kramer and Jerry,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"You discussed George with the Mayor of New York?!?"
- Frank, George's father, to Lloyd,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said 'Nice try, Granny,'
and I sent her to the back of the line."
- Newman, joking with fellow postal
workers, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Hey! Another round of strawberry for me and my friends!"
- Newman, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology."
- Kramer, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Ooooo, test tubes. Cool...."
- Kramer, visiting the testing lab,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"My whole life is a lie."
- George, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Yow!"
- Kramer, after wiggling his fingers
over a bunsen burner, in "The Non-Fat
Yogurt"
"You know what I would do if I was running for mayor? One of
my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear nametags
all the time to make the city friendlier."
- Elaine, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Well, the yogurt verdict is in.... FAT!"
- Jerry, in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take x-rays,
make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me?
What kind of a person would do a thing like that?"
"I don't know what kind of person would do something like that.
Obviously a very sick person, a very immature person, a person
who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time."
- George and a doctor,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
"I can't eat this!"
- Newman, after sampling the new,
truly non-fat yogurt, in "The
Non-Fat Yogurt"
"Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat !@*#!"
- Matthew, to Jerry,
in "The Non-Fat Yogurt"
==============================================================
"Well, a lot of people consider me small and prestigious."
- George, in "The Haircut"
"I enjoy understanding."
- George, in "The Haircut"
"I could raise enough money to cure polio."
- Kramer, discussing a charity
bachelor auction, in "The Haircut"
"You tell-a the joke, I cut-a the hair."
- Enzo, to Jerry, in "The Haircut"
"You look like you're five years old."
- George, seeing the results of
Jerry's bad haircut, in "The Haircut"
"I still haven't heard about that job."
"Yeah, that's a tough one. What are you gonna do about that?"
"I have an idea."
"Yeah?"
"I show up."
"Whattya mean, you show up?"
"I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation.
If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the
time he comes back I'm ensconced."
"Hmmmmm.... Not bad."
"What's the worst thing that could happen?"
"Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large
group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail
between your legs."
"Yeah, so?"
"Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with."
- George and Jerry, in "The Haircut"
"Yes, I like to feel cozy. You know, I have a very small apartment.
I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled."
- George, in "The Haircut"
"So what do you do there all day?"
"They gave me the Pensky file."
- Jerry and George, in "The Haircut"
"I'd like to have shoehorn hands."
- Kramer, in "The Haircut"
"Boy, you got a beautiful head of hair!"
"Oh, thankyou."
"I'll bet Uncle Enzo, he tell-a you that all-a the time!"
"Well, actually, Enzo hasn't said that to me in awhile."
- Gino and Jerry, in "The Haircut"
"Look at him! He's grotesque!"
"You think?"
"Do I think? He's repugnant!"
- Kramer and Elaine, discussing
Jerry, in "The Haircut"
"I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent
for it."
- Newman, in "The Haircut"
"In college they used to call me 'The Little Bulldog'."
- George, in "The Haircut"
"Flush twice!"
- Jerry, to Newman, who wants
to use the bathroom, in
"The Haircut"
"He likes fruit, and uh, he just got a haircut."
- Elaine, auctioning off Kramer,
in "The Haircut"
"You haven't done anything with this."
"Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office."
- Tuttle and George,
in "The Haircut"
"Ta ta, Tut-tel."
- George, in "The Haircut"
==============================================================
"I haven't vomited in 13 years."
- Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
"So, apparently adoption leads to serial killing."
- Kramer, in "The Masseuse"
"It's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like
carrots, but I'm in Idaho... I want a potato."
- Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
"If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deon."
- Elaine, in "The Masseuse"
"Hey! I am looser than creamed corn."
- Kramer, after getting a massage,
in "The Masseuse"
"She rubs with love."
- Kramer, on Jerry's girlfriend,
in "The Masseuse"
"Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm
burned out?"
- Kramer, after Jerry orders him
to stay away from his girlfriend,
in "The Masseuse"
"Just look at me. Now tell me I'm not Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Masseuse"
"What about my massage?!"
"Ask Newman."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
"Does everybody in the world have to like you?"
"Yes, yes! Everybody in the world has to like me!
I must be liked!"
- Karen and George, in "The Masseuse"
"You're a massage teaser."
- Jerry, in "The Masseuse"
"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
- George, in "The Masseuse"
==============================================================
"Hey, you know what would make a great coffee table book?
A coffee table book about coffee tables!"
- Kramer, in "The Cigar
Store Indian"
"See, on this particular Tuesday you could've watched six
hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here's
Lucy!"
- Weird guy on subway, in
"The Cigar Store Indian"
"We're collectors. We see objects of great beauty and we
must have them."
- George, in "The Cigar
Store Indian"
"Ya know, I don't get it. I'm not allowed to ask a
Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean,
aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean,
somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off
the handle."
- Jerry, in "The Cigar
Store Indian"
"Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?"
- Frank, in "The Cigar
Store Indian"
"Who told you you could have sex in our bed?"
"Well, my bed is too small."
"Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and
you turn our house into Bourbon Street?"
"Where am I going to sleep?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I can't sleep in there!"
"Of course you can."
"I can't. I can't!"
"That's it. You're grounded."
- Estelle, George and Frank,
in "The Cigar Store Indian"
"And on the cover is a built-in coaster."
- Kramer, selling his coffee table
book idea, in "The Cigar Store
Indian"
"How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide?
How does she expect you to watch TV? Am I just supposed
to turn it on and wander aimlessly around the dial?"
- Frank, in "The Cigar
Store Indian"
"You look scrumptious!"
- Weird guy to Elaine,
in "The Cigar Store Indian"
"George doesn't work. He's a bum."
- Estelle, in "The
Cigar Store Indian"
==============================================================
"You know, it's not like changing toothpaste."
- Jerry to George, who is
thinking of converting to
Latvian Orthodox, in "The
Conversion"
"I always open medicine cabinets."
"I trust people not to do that."
"Big mistake!"
- Kramer and Elaine,
in "The Conversion"
"By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza."
"And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling
Mother Costanza?"
"Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence."
- George and Jerry, in
"The Conversion"
"Jerry, I'm tellin' ya, I have this power. And I have
no control over it."
- Kramer, in "The Conversion"
"I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I found another toy I
thought you might like."
- Sister Roberta to Kramer,
in "The Conversion"
"Oh, this power! Look what I'm doing! I'm dangerous, Jerry!
I'm very very dangerous!"
- Kramer, in "The Conversion"
==============================================================
"No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square."
- Jane, in "The Stall"
"Mmm... I love this artificial flavoring. I like it better
than butter. I think it's more consistent."
- Jerry, eating popcorn,
in "The Stall"
"Who does she think she is? How dare she! You want me to get
the manager? Too bad they don't have those old ladies walking
around with the flashlights anymore... flush her out."
- Jerry, reacting to Jane's bad
experience in the bathroom,
in "The Stall"
"Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!"
- Jerry, on Tony, in "The Stall"
"George is like a schoolgirl around him."
- Jerry, in "The Stall"
"I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down."
- George, trying to be cool
with Tony, in "The Stall"
"Kramer, my man, what are you doing manana?"
"Manana? I'm doing nada."
- Tony and Kramer,
in "The Stall"
"It's a different world when you're with a cool guy."
- George, in "The Stall"
"I think that you're in love with him."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"No, I don't think so... You love him."
"You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy.
And you're not getting any sandwiches either!"
- Kramer and George, in "The Stall"
"Step off, George. I don't want to see you."
"Me? Step off?"
- Tony and George, in "The Stall"
"Ah, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
"It's impossible!"
"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning
like a top?!"
"It can't be."
"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all
around you?"
"Alright, that's enough."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Stall"
==============================================================
"I don't know my alarm sound. I'm not tuned into it
like it's my son."
- Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
"These pretzels are making me thirsty."
- Kramer, in "The Alternate Side"
"Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?
"Well, I'll tell ya, she would have to be really
vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning."
- Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Alternate Side"
"I might have a whole new career here."
"You mean *a* career."
- Kramer and Jerry,
in "The Alternate Side"
"You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and
he could drink it."
"Cookies don't liquify."
"Yes they do, you can liquify a cookie!"
"Alright, I'll get the blender."
"What blender? I don't have a blender."
"You've got a blender."
"I would know if I had a blender."
- Elaine, Jerry and Kramer,
in "The Alternate Side"
"Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't
take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My
question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on?"
- Sid to George,
in "The Alternate Side"
"I'll be ostracized from the community."
"What community? There's a community?"
"Of course there's a community."
"All these years I'm living in a community,
I had no idea."
- Elaine and Jerry
in "The Alternate Side"
"Can you die from an odor?"
- Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"
"Yankee beans, Yankee beans, I like my Yankee beans."
- Elaine, in "The Alternate Side"
==============================================================
"You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes,
but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big
that there's a power struggle and the second toe
assumes control of the foot."
"The coup de toe!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Tape"
"The Chinese have done it my friend, the Chinese have done it!"
- George, excited about a cure
for baldness, in "The Tape"
"I wanna slide my tongue around you like a snake."
- Elaine, in "The Tape"
"Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?"
"No."
"You know what that makes you? A baldist."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Tape"
"You stink!"
- Kramer to George, in "The Tape"
"How often do you cut your toenails?"
- Kramer, in "The Tape"
"I think I'll get going..."
"Stick around a while!"
"It's early!"
"We'll order in Chinese!"
- Elaine, George, Jerry and
Kramer, after Elaine admits
to being the sexy voice on
Jerry's tape, in "The Tape"
==============================================================
"Health cookies? I hate those little dustboard fructose things."
- Elaine, in "The Chinese
Restaurant"
"I just can't believe the way people are. What is it with
humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?"
- George, waiting to use the
phone, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get
a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen.
It's enough to make you sick."
- Elaine, getting very hungry,
in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"If anything happens here can I count on you?"
"What?"
"If we decide to go at it."
"Yeah, I want to get into a rumble."
- George, still waiting for
the phone, and Jerry, in
"The Chinese Restaurant"
"It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve.
It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just
walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
"I'll tell you what, there's fifty bucks in it for you
if you do it."
"What do you mean?"
"You walk over to that table, you pick up an eggroll, you
don't say anything. You eat it, say thank you very much,
wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks."
"What are they gonna do?"
"They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them
a story to tell for the rest of their lives."
"Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?"
"Fifty bucks. That table over there. The three couples."
"Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it and then come
back here and find out there was some little loophole, like
I didn't put mustard on it."
"No, no tricks."
"Should I do it George?"
"For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and
blow!"
"Alright, alright. Here, hold this. I'm doin' it."
- Elaine, Jerry and George,
in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"We're living in a society!!"
- George, still waiting for
the phone, in "The Chinese
Restaurant"
"The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told
her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw
the Bat Signal."
- George, telling how he left
a woman's bed, in "The Chinese
Restaurant"
"Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents?
Remember, it was such a treat. You go and they serve you this
different food that you never saw before. They put it in front
of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure...
and now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to
fill up the trough."
- Elaine,
in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going
on here?"
- Elaine, who just wants to
sit and eat, in "The Chinese
Restaurant"
"This is bad, you don't know. The chain reaction of calls
this is going to set off. New York, Long Island, Florida...
It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever
disappears."
- Jerry, worrying about
offending his uncle,
in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"It's just a movie."
"Just a movie? You don't understand. This isn't Plans
One through Eight from Outer Space. This is Plan Nine!
This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made."
- Elaine and Jerry, in
"The Chinese Restaurant"
"Let's just order it to go. We'll eat it in the cab."
"Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?"
"We'll eat it in the movie."
"Where do you think you're going? You think that they
have big picnic tables there?"
"What do you suggest?"
"I say we leave now, we go to Skyburger and we scarf 'em
down."
- Jerry and Elaine, in
"The Chinese Restaurant"
"Movie hot dogs? I'd rather lick the food off the floor."
- Elaine, in "The Chinese
Restaurant"
"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make
sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
- Jerry, in "The Chinese
Restaurant"
==============================================================
"It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you
in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and
stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite."
- Kramer, telling Elaine about
her lookalike mannequin, in
"The Pie"
"Did you just roll your eyes at him? Because let me tell
you something. If anybody should be rolling their eyes,
it is me, at him, about you."
- Elaine, to a rude store
clerk, in "The Pie"
"It'll be a funky adventure."
- Kramer, inviting Elaine to
scratch his back, in "The Pie"
"I'm going home to spatula."
- Kramer, in "The Pie"
"Do you need some help with that itch?"
"Madam, I pray you're not toying with me."
- The cashier at Monk's
and Kramer, in "The Pie"
"A chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a
cry for help. He wants to get caught."
- Jerry, in "The Pie"
"You guys ought to see the way she works her nails across
my back. Ooooo! She's a maestro. The criss-cross, the
figure-eight, strummin' on the old banjo. And this wild
savage free-for-all where anything can happen."
- Kramer, in "The Pie"
"This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel."
- Jerry, in "The Pie"
"That's my ass in your window!"
- Elaine, seeing the mannequin
posed in an embarrassing
position, in "The Pie"
"I don't know about you, but I'm getting a hankering for
some Doublemint gum."
- Jerry, to Elaine, after they
steal her lookalike mannequin,
in "The Pie"
"Poppie's a little sloppy."
- Jerry, after Poppie is taken
away by health inspectors,
in "The Pie"
"Conformity's an obsession with me."
- George, in "The Pie"
"Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?"
"No, that's one for the ages."
- George and Jerry, in "The Pie"
==============================================================
"Do you believe I got Happy New Year'd today? It's
February!"
"I once got Happy New Year'd in March."
"It's disgusting."
"It's pathetic."
- Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Dinner Party"
"It's Goretex. You know about Goretex?"
"You like saying 'Goretex', don't you?"
- George, showing off his
new coat, and Jerry, in
"The Dinner Party"
"The fabric of society is very complex, George."
- Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
"I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi."
"You can't bring Pepsi."
"Why not?"
"Because we're adults."
"You're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way
wine is better than Pepsi."
"I'll tell ya, George, I don't think we want to
walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi
in the middle of the table."
"I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner
invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes
along with it."
"You know, you're getting to be an annoying little
chore yourself."
- George, Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Dinner Party"
"You're pretty comfortable up there, huh Bubble Boy?"
- Jerry, to George,
in "The Dinner Party"
"Ooooo, I like Ring Dings."
- Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"
"You can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings
and Pepsi."
- Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
"Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the
black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side
in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?"
"You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when
you're senile."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Yeah, I think it'll be a very smooth transition
for you."
- Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Dinner Party"
"I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that
it's bad for my spine. Throws my hips off kilter."
- Kramer, in "The Dinner Party"
"You can't beat a babka."
- Elaine, at the bakery,
in "The Dinner Party"
"You'd better be careful with that thing. You'll start
a war."
- Kramer, after George bumps
someone with his coat, in "The Dinner Party"
"The key to eating a black and white cookie, Elaine, is
you want to get some black and some white in each bite.
Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And
yet, still, somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people
would only look to the cookie. All our problems would
be solved."
- Jerry, in "The Dinner Party"
"Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can
serve dinner on my head."
- Elaine, in "The Dinner Party"
"I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be
sometimes. Can you comprehend it?"
"No, I can't comprehend it."
"I mean, we can put a man on the moon but we're still
basically very stupid. The guy who's car this is, he
could be one of the guys that built the rocket. You
see what I'm saying?"
"Well, yeah, he can build the rocket, but he's still
stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in."
"So you really understand my point about building the
rocket and double-parking?"
"On the one hand he's smart with rockets and on the
other hand he's dumb with parking."
- George and Kramer
in "The Dinner Party"
"Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm."
- Jerry, trying to get a
better babka, in "The
Dinner Party"
"I'm a little scared of her."
- George, talking about Elaine,
in "The Dinner Party"
"Fourteen years, down the drain."
- Jerry, about to throw up,
in "The Dinner Party"
"How was it?"
"Good as it gets."
- Elaine and Jerry, after he
throws up, in "The Dinner Party"
==============================================================
"When women smile at me I don't know what it means.
Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or
something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile
back. I don't know what to do."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental
state like the karate guys before they break the bricks."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"To cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple because
I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the
phone, it make you sound casual."
"Yeah, like a farm boy."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Phone Message"
"Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear.
My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have
to do wash once a year."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge
guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"I don't know what your parents did to you."
- Elaine, to George,
in "The Phone Message"
"It's a machine! The little light is blinking right now,
'Come and listen to the idiot! Hey everybody, the idiot's
on!'"
- George, worried about an
answering machine, in
"The Phone Message"
"I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it."
- Jerry, in "The Phone Message"
"Tippy toe! Tippy toe!"
- George, warning Jerry,
in "The Phone Message"
"That what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers
in the pool?"
- Carol, to George,
in "The Phone Message"
==============================================================
"Six years I've had this t-shirt. It's my best one. I call
him Golden Boy."
- Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"
"Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was
War, What Is It Good For?"
- Jerry, in "The Marine Biologist"
"You can't handle the truth."
- George, imitating Jack Nicholson,
in "The Marine Biologist"
"Your mother reads your mail?"
"Yeah."
"What do you mean, like postcards?"
"Oh, anything."
"She doesn't open."
"She'll open."
"You've caught your mother opening envelopes?"
"Yes."
"What does she say?"
"I was curious."
"Isn't that against the law?"
"Maybe I can get her locked up."
- Jerry and George, in
"The Marine Biologist"
"I've got all my appointments right up here."
- Kramer, who has no need
for an organizer, in
"The Marine Biologist"
"I am such a huge whale fan."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"Who wants to have some fun?"
- Kramer, who wants to hit
golf balls into the ocean,
in "The Marine Biologist"
"He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales.
All that blubber, it's quite unhealthy. You know, it's
the largest mammal on earth. But as George says, they
don't have to be."
- Jerry, making George look good,
in "The Marine Biologist"
"What is that noise? It's traveling up my spine into my brain!"
- Testikov, just before he throws
Elaine's electronic organizer out
the window of the limousine, in
"The Marine Biologist"
"She asked for your number. I think she's going to get in
touch with you."
"Okay, I'm telling you right now. If you're kidding around
I'm not going to be able to be your friend anymore. I'm
serious about that. You got that?"
"I've got no problem with that."
"Good, because if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this
is your idea of some cute little game, we're finished."
"Expect a call."
"Oh my god, he's not kidding."
"Now I should tell you that at this point she's under the
impression that you're a..."
"A what?"
"A marine biologist."
- Jerry and George,
in "The Marine Biologist"
"I know my alleys."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always
wanted to pretend that I was an architect."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you
boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on, and as I made my
way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't
know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all
living things, but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was
a marine biologist."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man
trying to send back soup in a deli."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"What, are you in a bad mood?"
"I got my laundry back."
"Golden Boy?"
"He didn't make it."
"I'm sorry."
"This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue."
- Elaine and Jerry, in
"The Marine Biologist"
==============================================================
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Ah, what's there to talk about."
"Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's
nothing to talk about."
"Why don't you talk with her about how there's nothing
to talk about?"
"She knows there's nothing to talk about."
"At least she'll be talking."
"Oh, shut up."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Stand-In"
"If you can't say something bad about a relationship
you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George, in "The Stand-In"
"I can't hide my pity."
- George, in "The Stand-In"
"I haven't cracked a smile in months."
"Oh, don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable.
First you crack, then you chuckle."
- Fulton and Jerry,
in "The Stand-In"
"So how are the eggs?"
"Eggs are eggs."
"Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. By the same token,
couldn't you say fish is fish? I don't think so."
- George and Daphne,
in "The Stand-In"
"If I was a woman I'd be down on the dock waiting for the
fleet to come in."
- Jerry, in "The Stand-In"
"I'm very good with sick people. They love me."
- Kramer, in "The Stand-In"
"He took it out."
- Elaine, after her first
date with Jerry's friend,
in "The Stand-In"
"Maybe it needed some air. You know, sometimes they need air.
They can't breathe in there. It's inhuman."
- Kramer, speculating on
why "He took it out",
in "The Stand-In"
"I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never
thought of taking mine off."
- George, in "The Stand-In"
"You know, George, they're doing wonderful things at mental
institutions these days. I'd be happy to set up a meet and
greet."
- Jerry, in "The Stand-In"
"Rock paper scissors match."
"Alright! Rock beats paper!"
"I thought paper covered rock."
"Nah, rock flys right through paper."
"Well, what beats rock?"
"Nothing beats rock."
- Kramer and Mickey, playing
games, in "The Stand-In"
==============================================================
"I sense great vulnerability, a man-child crying out for love,
an innocent orphan in the post modern world."
"I see a parasite, a sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking
only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
"His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
"He is a loathsome, offensive brute - yet I can't look away."
"He transcends time and space."
"He sickens me."
"I love it."
"Me too."
- Old rich couple, admiring the
portrait of Kramer, in "The Letter"
==============================================================
"She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice.
But women don't want nice."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we
living in when nice is bad?"
- George, in "The Cafe"
"People think I'm smart, but I'm not smart."
"Who thinks you're smart?"
- George and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"Why is what I do so important? Why must I always be the
focal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"Hey, I love a good caper."
- Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"I meet a lot of women in this jacket. They're attracted
to it."
- Kramer, in "The Cafe"
"Isn't there like a statue of limitations on that?"
"Statute."
"What?"
"Statute of limitations. It's not a statue."
"No, it's statue."
"Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"You see everything, don't you?"
"Well, you know, not everything. I do what I can."
- Babu and Jerry, in "The Cafe"
"I had a sandwich in my pocket."
- George, explaining how he got food
on his IQ test, in "The Cafe"
"Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes around looking for
me, tell him you don't know where I am."
"Of course, I always do."
"No, no, it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about
the jacket."
"Just give it back to him."
"He'll have to kill me."
- Kramer, Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Cafe"
"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my
father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"Where are people? You see people? Show me people! There
are no people!"
- Babu, after taking Jerry's advice
and serving only Pakistani food,
in "The Cafe"
==============================================================
"I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand?
Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no
hand. No hand at all. She has the hand. I have no hand."
- George, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get."
- Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"What is that? A Pez dispenser?"
- Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort
of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could
be that rude and ignorant."
"Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid
on her leg."
"Even if this so-called mental defective did put something
on her leg, she's still the one who laughed."
- Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Pez Dispenser"
"I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The
furniture, it's very non-confrontational."
- Jerry, in "The Pez Dispenser"
"What are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?"
"No, intervene. Go ahead, intervene all you want.
I'm just afraid you might be interfering while
we're intervening."
- Kramer and Jerry,
in "The Pez Dispenser"
"A man without hand is not a man. I've got so much
hand I'm coming out of my gloves."
- George, in "The Pez Dispenser"
==============================================================
"You've got a lot to learn about pancakes."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"
"I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about
each other, you care about each other. It's wonderful.
Plus, I love saying 'my wife'. Once I started saying it,
I couldn't stop. 'My wife' this, 'My wife' that. It's
an amazing way to begin a sentence."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"
"Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married
in ten years, we get hitched?"
"Make it fifty."
"We're engaged!"
- Kramer and Elaine, in "The Wife"
"I don't know why you're interested in this guy. He's a jerk."
"Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he
ignores me."
"Yeah, so?"
"I respect that."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Wife"
"You went in the shower?"
"Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one!"
"Do you go in the shower?"
"No, never."
"Do you?"
"I take baths."
- Elaine, George, Jerry and Kramer,
in "The Wife"
"Why couldn't you just wait?"
"I was there. I saw a drain."
"Since when is a drain a toilet?"
"It's all pipes. What's the difference?"
"Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna
mix them up!"
"I'll call a plumber right now!"
- Elaine and George, in "The Wife"
"That's how I maintain my glow."
- Kramer, explaining his visit to
a tanning salon, in "The Wife"
"A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?"
"Yeah, it's a social thing."
"What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that,
a valentine?"
- George and Elaine, in "The Wife"
"I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of
a pretend-marriage."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"
==============================================================
"The Dewey Decimal System... What a scam that was!"
- Kramer, in "The Library"
"She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding.
She needs a little Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Library"
"The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?"
"It's true."
"That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named Cone."
- Kramer and the Librarian,
in "The Library"
"I never figured you for a squealer."
"Oh, he sang like a canary."
- Kramer and Jerry, to George,
in "The Library"
"I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about lunch."
- George, in "The Library"
"Instead of saying 'Costanza', he'd say 'Cantstandya, Cantstandya'."
- George, remembering his high
school gym coach, in "The Library"
"Why do they call it a wedgie?"
"Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until...
it wedges in."
"They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there
is to actually get the waistband on top of the head.
It's very rare."
"Boys are sick."
"What do girls do?"
"We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."
- Elaine, George and Jerry,
in "The Library"
"I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind
of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you
put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York
Public Library, fella."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little
stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well,
that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to
me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you
want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the
scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're
thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about
old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe
we can live without libraries, people like you and me....
Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about
that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch
of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and
wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers.
Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about
overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again.
This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting
his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld...
Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime
buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is
over."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
"Columbus? Euro-trash."
- Jerry, in "The Library"
"You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you
do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
==============================================================
"You got a raise?"
"I don't fool around, baby!"
- Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Opposite"
"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much
promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not
academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know
when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very
clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision
I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life
is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.
Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it
something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong."
- George, in "The Opposite"
"Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents
don't approach strange women."
- George, in "The Opposite"
"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would
have to be right."
- Jerry, to George,
in "The Opposite"
"I'm starting the book tour! First stop - Regis and Kathie Lee!"
"You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee?"
"Oh, you better believe it."
"I'll loan you my puffy shirt."
- Kramer and Jerry,
in "The Opposite"
"You know who you are? Even Steven."
- Kramer, to Jerry,
in "The Opposite"
"Who are you, George Costanza?"
"I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."
- Victoria and George,
in "The Opposite"
"This guy could be a little bonkos."
- Regis Philbin, introducing
Kramer, in "The Opposite"
"A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of
my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening
because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common
sense and good judgement I've ever had. This is no longer
just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion."
"So I guess your messiah would be the Anti-Christ."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Opposite"
"Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids."
- Kramer, offering medical
advice, in "The Opposite"
"Elaine, don't get too down. Everything will even out. See,
I have two friends. You were up, he was down. Now he's up,
you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?"
- Jerry, in "The Opposite"
==============================================================
"That's gold, baby."
"Baby? What, are you doing George now?"
"Hey, I was saying baby way before George."
- Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Fire"
"Danke schoen, my little dumplings."
- Kramer, in "The Fire"
"Ooo, she's a package full of energy."
"Yeah, she's a package full of something."
- Kramer and Elaine, discussing
Toby, in "The Fire"
"Look, I have goose bumps. Touch! Touch them!"
- Toby, in "The Fire"
"Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets.
You hiss villains in silent movies."
- Jerry, after Toby heckled him,
in "The Fire"
"Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric... What kind
of name is that for a clown?"
- George, in "The Fire"
"We needed a leader!"
- George, explaining his hasty
exit from the burning apartment,
in "The Fire"
"How do you live with yourself?"
"It's not easy."
- A fireman and George,
in "The Fire"
"So you feel 'women and children first' in this day and age
is somewhat of an antiquated notion."
"To some degree."
"So, basically, it's every man, woman, child and invalid
for themselves."
"In a manner of speaking."
"Well, that's honest."
"She should be commending me for treating everyone like
equals."
"Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center she'll
see things more clearly."
- Jerry and George, in "The Fire"
"There's no precedent, baby!"
"What, are you using my babies now?"
- Jerry and George, in "The Fire"
"After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the
building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed
her pinky-toe."
"That's unbelievable!"
"Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I
put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off
for the hospital."
"You ran?"
"No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here
buddy. Step on it!'"
"Holy cow!"
"Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well,
I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out
of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where
do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got
a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked
him out cold!"
"How could you do that?"
"Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed
out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control!
So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get
behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
"You're Batman."
"Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts
choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept
driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the
door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next
stop."
"You kept making all the stops?"
"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"
"What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"
"Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place
at the end of the line."
"You did all this for a pinky-toe?"
"Well, it's a valuable appendage."
- Kramer, George and Jerry,
in "The Fire"
==============================================================
"Maybe this will become a cool thing... Living with your
parents."
"Yeah, and then maybe baldness will catch on. Things
will all be turning your way."
"Baby? What, are you doing George now?"
- George and Jerrie,
in "The Raincoats"
"Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens
come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you
think's gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?"
- George, in "The Raincoats"
"They're so loud. They're always fighting. It's uncomfortable.
You never notice?"
"Oh, I notice, but they're from your age group. I didn't
think you could detect abnormal behavior among your own
kind."
- Helen and Jerry,
in "The Raincoats"
"You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld?"
"Yeah. They bought me a Coke."
- Elaine and Aaron,
in "The Raincoats"
"I will not tolerate infestation!"
- Frank, in "The Raincoats"
"They had plans, huh? They were busy?! They were busy with
their big plans!"
- George, in "The Raincoats"
"The thing that bothers me the most is the lying."
- George, in "The Raincoats"
"Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?"
"Yes, and a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall."
- Helen and Newman,
in "The Raincoats"
==============================================================
"Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing
something better than me on Saturday afternoons?"
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"Fish... What do they do?"
"What do *you* do?"
- George and Elaine,
in "The Parking Garage"
"I'm trying to live my life!"
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"You get within fifteen feet of that woman, she'd have her
finger on the mace button."
- Jerry, to George,
in "The Parking Garage"
"We're like rats in some experiment."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud
to hold it in. It builds character."
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"If I am not in front of my building at 6:15 when my parents get
there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment
plan that will compound with interest for decades."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
"We're not skinheads."
- Elaine, trying to convince a man
to drive her around the garage,
in "The Parking Garage"
"It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my
bladder know I'm in a department store?"
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"You know, I've been issued a public urination pass by the
city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little
brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him
and his friends are probably peeing all over the place."
- Jerry, in "The Parking Garage"
"What's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually."
"Does that bother you?"
"Yeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?"
"Not at all."
"You see, now that bothers me even more than dying bothers
me, because it's people like you who live to be 120 because
you're not bothered by it. How can it not bother you?"
"Well, I once saw this thing on TV with people who are
terminally ill. Everyone of them believed that the
secret of life is just to live every moment."
"Yeah, I've heard that. Meanwhile, I'm here with you in
a parking garage in Jersey."
- George and Kramer,
in "The Parking Garage"
==============================================================
"I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love."
- George, in "The Hamptons"
"Hey, Jerry, rub some lotion on my back."
"Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?"
"C'mon, and I'll rub some on you."
"That's not sweetening the deal."
- Kramer and Jerry,
in "The Hamptons"
"This is weird, wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet."
"Why do you think we're getting the sneak preview?"
"Maybe she's trying to create a buzz."
"What?"
"You know, get some good word of mouth going."
- Jerry, Elaine and Kramer,
observing a topless Jane,
in "The Hamptons"
"Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?"
"I couldn't look. It was like a Pekinese."
"Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."
- Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Hamptons"
"The train was so crowded, I had to sit in a seat facing the
wrong way."
"Oh, I like that. It's like going back in time."
- Rachel and Jerry,
in "The Hamptons"
"She's got greeting problems."
- Jerry, about Rachel,
in "The Hamptons"
"I saw Jane topless."
"You saw who what?"
- Kramer and George,
in "The Hamptons"
"It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip
of Tang, and you jump out first!"
- George, upset that Jerry
saw Jane topless before him,
in "The Hamptons"
"I was in the pool! I was in the pool!"
- George, after Rachel saw
him naked, in "The Hamptons"
"Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..."
"But what?"
"Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the
water was cold..."
"Oh, you mean... Shrinkage."
"Yes. Significant shrinkage."
"So you feel you were shortchanged."
"Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete
misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Hamptons"
"Do women know about shrinkage?"
"What do you mean, like laundry?"
"No..."
"Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
"It shrinks?"
"Like a frightened turtle."
"Why does it shrink?"
"It just does."
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
- George, Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Hamptons"
"I think that you think that a certain something is not all
that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should
be... And more!"
"I'm sure it is."
"Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage."
- George and Jane,
in "The Hamptons"
==============================================================
"Who's gonna be O'Brien?"
"I'll be O'Brien."
"Who am I?"
"You're you."
"Just me?"
"Yeah."
"Okay...."
"You don't want to be you?"
"Well, if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?"
"Like who?"
"Dylan Murphy."
"Okay..."
"What? Now you want to be Dylan Murphy?"
"Well, I like Dylan."
"You can be Colin."
"Colin O'Brien."
"I'm Dylan Murphy."
"I'm Colin O'Brien."
- Jerry and George,
in "The Limo"
"Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of
a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell
you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could,
I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting
off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never
telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!"
- George, in "The Limo"
"I'm telling you, the jig is up."
"It was a bad jig to begin with. We never should've
started this jig."
"It was a good jig."
"It was a bad jig. A terrible terrible jig."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Limo"
"Let's just jump out of the car."
"We're doing sixty miles per hour."
"So, we jump and roll. You won't get hurt."
"Who are you, Mannix?"
- George and Jerry,
in "The Limo"
"You took a cab?"
"Yeah, so?"
"How much do you make?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Ah, c'mon, I'll tell you how much I make."
"I know how much you make."
- Kramer and Elaine,
in "The Limo"
"Nice lookin' Luger."
- Jerry, in "The Limo"
"Did you see the way she was looking at me?"
"She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!"
"I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi, though."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Limo"
"I can't run. I have a bad hamstring."
"How'd that happen?"
"I hurt it in a hotel room. You know the way they tuck the
covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep
like that, so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Limo"
"They can't shoot us in the city."
"Naah, no one's ever been shot in the city."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Limo"
"There's always been something very strange about Jerry.
Always so clean and organized."
- Kramer, in "The Limo"
"I know Jerry. He's not a Nazi. No. He's just neat."
- Elaine, in "The Limo"
"I may not look like a Murphy, but I act like a Murphy."
- Jerry, in "The Limo"
"And the peat...aaah, the peat!"
- Jerry, in "The Limo"
"Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian."
- Kramer, in "The Limo"
"I am not O'Brien!"
- George, in "The Limo"
==============================================================
"Now there's a career path you may have overlooked."
- Jerry, to Elaine, commenting
on a group of Miss America
contestants, in "The Chaperone"
"Hot dog?"
"No thanks. I'm watching my weight."
"Oh. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to
get any taller."
- Jerry and Miss Rhode Island,
in "The Chaperone"
"I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed."
- Jerry, in "The Chaperone"
"They should be wearing cotton."
- George, unhappy with the Yankee
uniforms, in "The Chaperone"
"Not many people have grace."
"Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have
a little grace. Not as much as Jackie O...."
"You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't."
"Okay, fine. I have no grace."
"And you can't acquire grace."
"Well, I have no intention of getting grace."
"Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market."
"Alright, alright, look, I don't have grace, I don't want grace,
I don't even say grace, okay?"
"Thank you for coming in."
"Yeah yeah right."
- A personnel interviewer and
Elaine, in "The Chaperone"
"I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants. You want
to go?"
"What state?"
"Rhode Island."
"They're never in contention."
- Jerry and Kramer,
in "The Chaperone"
"Poise counts!"
- Kramer, in "The Chaperone"
"These doves were murdered."
- Kramer, in "The Chaperone"
"It's like watching an animal get tortured."
- Jerry, watching Miss Rhode
Island sing, in "The Chaperone"
==============================================================
"I think he's got ideas."
"I wonder if any woman every said that about Einstein?"
- Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Big Salad"
"Hey, you want to get some lunch?"
"Just had a big bowl of Kix."
"Oh well, that's very mature."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Big Salad"
"What's in the big salad?"
"Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Big Salad"
"People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."
- Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
"Hey, a rule is a rule, and let's face it, without rules
there's chaos."
- Kramer, in "The Big Salad"
"She just took credit for my salad. That's not right."
- George, in "The Big Salad"
"Generally speaking, you don't need any extra incentive to
murder a dry cleaner."
- Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
"Newman never stops seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever
is willing to see him."
- Jerry, in "The Big Salad"
"Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye."
"No, there's less."
- Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Big Salad"
"Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle."
"He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie."
- Elaine and Jerry,
in "The Big Salad"
"I think I would like to play with dolls."
- George, in "The Big Salad"
==============================================================
"I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?"
"No. It's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work."
- Jerry and Kramer,
in "The Pledge Drive"
"I put a lot of thought into this card."
"You signed your name and you addressed the envelope.
It's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem."
- Kristen and Jerry,
in "The Pledge Drive"
"A gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom."
- Kramer, in "The Pledge Drive"
"Do your thing there where you lie to everyone."
- Jerry, to George,
in "The Pledge Drive"
"Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she
pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!"
"That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't
want to get their mouths dirty."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Pledge Drive"
"That finger was meant for me!"
- George, in "The Pledge Drive"
"Where are the totebags? I'm not leaving the premises without
totebags. I was promised totebags and totebags I shall have."
- Kramer, volunteering at
PBS, in "The Pledge Drive"
"I saw someone on the street eating M&M's with a spoon."
- Jerry, in "The Pledge Drive"
==============================================================
"Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say."
- George, leaving a message
on Jerry's answering machine,
in "The Chinese Woman"
"If I like their race, how can that be racist?"
- Jerry, in "The Chinese Woman"
"I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
- Kramer, in "The Chinese Woman"
"No, go ahead. I second-hand smoke two packs a day."
- Jerry, to a polite smoker,
in "The Chinese Woman"
"There's nothing holding me in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping."
- Kramer, unhappy with boxer shorts,
in "The Chinese Woman"
"You know what I like about Manhattan? No mosquitoes."
- Frank Costanza,
in "The Chinese Woman"
"It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago.
He could've been normal."
- Jerry, about George,
in "The Chinese Woman"
"I don't trust men in capes."
- George, in "The Chinese Woman"
"The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gaberdine."
- Jerry, learning that Kramer
has given up on underwear of
any kind, in "The Chinese Woman"
"I'm out there Jerry and loving every minute of it."
- Kramer, in "The Chinese Woman"
"You have no eye for fashion!"
"I have no eye for fashion?!"
- Frank and Estelle Costanza,
in "The Chinese Woman"
==============================================================
"I thought you were happy-go-lucky."
"No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't
go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky."
- Naomi and Jerry,
in "The Bubble Boy"
"You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?"
- Naomi, in "The Bubble Boy"
"That's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there."
"They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry blackberry."
"Blackberry boysenberry."
"Boysenberry huckleberry."
"Huckleberry raspberry."
"Raspberry strawberry."
"Strawberry cranberry."
"Peach."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Bubble Boy"
"We're making incredible time here."
- George, in "The Bubble Boy"
"Hey, I am not a prude, sweetheart. I swing with the
best of them."
- George, in "The Bubble Boy"
"I can't face the bubble boy."
- George, in "The Bubble Boy"
"Nothing's finer than being in your diner?"
- Elaine, reading what Jerry
wrote on an autographed photo,
in "The Bubble Boy"
"What are you looking at? You never seen a kid in a bubble before?"
- Donald the bubble boy,
in "The Bubble Boy"
"Moops!"
- George, playing Trivial Pursuit
with the bubble boy, stubbornly
insisting that a typo on the game
card is the correct answer instead
of "Moors," in "The Bubble Boy"
"My cubans!"
- Kramer, worried about his
cigars, in "The Bubble Boy"
==============================================================
"I got a feeling I'm going to be much smarter than
you pretty soon."
- George, to Jerry,
in "The Couch"
"What do you think Lainey?"
"Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it."
"Oh no. I don't want anyone sitting on it."
- Jerry and Elaine, admiring
his new sofa, in "The Couch"
"If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate."
"You're not very bright, are you?"
"No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Couch"
"What is his stand on abortion?"
"Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice."
"How do you know?"
"Because he, well, he's just so good-looking."
- Jerry and Elaine, discussing
her new boyfriend, in "The Couch"
"My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!"
"I'm sure it'll come out."
"I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore."
"Oh, you're making too much of it."
"Yeah, you're right. It's just a natural human function.
It happens to be on my sofa instead of in the toilet
where it would normally be."
- Jerry and Kramer,
in "The Couch"
"You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after
people: Hazel and Filbert."
- George, in "The Couch"
==============================================================
"I think she finds my stupidity charming."
- George, in "The Gymnast"
"I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters."
"Maybe you should date the mothers."
"If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the
daughters, then I'd really have something going."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Gymnast"
"That sex will melt your face."
- Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
"Knowing you is like going into the jungle. I never know
what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared."
- Jerry, to George,
in "The Gymnast"
"It's 3-D art. Computers generate it. Big computers!"
- Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the
kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you
think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some
trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Yes."
"Then it was trash."
"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
"But it was in the cylinder."
"Above the rim."
"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
"Was it eaten?"
"One little bite."
"Well, that's garbage."
"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides
man and bum. You are now a bum."
- Jerry and George,
in "The Gymnast"
"I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other
people's feelings."
- Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
"Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of
sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
"Boy, you can really talk some trash. I guess that's
better than eating it."
- Kramer and Jerry,
in "The Gymnast"
"But I'm afraid of clowns."
- Kramer, in "The Gymnast"
"You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no comedian."
- Katya, in "The Gymnast"
==============================================================
"The Label Maker"
"We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one
will tamper with it."
"So that's here?"
"Yes, yes, you're like Switzerland."
"I don't wanna be Switzerland."
"Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for
world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot
be trusted."
"Don't look at me."
"Oh, I'm looking right at you Big Daddy."
- Kramer, Jerry and Newman,
discussing a game of Risk,
in "The Label Maker"
"He's a re-gifter."
- Elaine, in "The Label Maker"
"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
- George, in "The Label Maker"
"Alright, fine, you sit there and you watch while Newman takes
over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know
who's going to suffer? The little people. You and George."
- Kramer, to Jerry,
in "The Lable Maker"
"Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving?
There's no grace period."
"Well, didn't he re-gift the label maker?"
"Possibly."
"Well, if he can re-gift, why can't you de-gift?"
- Jerry and George,
in "The Label Maker"
"It's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by
two guys who can barely run their own lives."
- Jerry, in "The Label Maker"
"Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
"You're not a little anything, Newman."
- Newman and Jerry,
in "The Label Maker"
"I don't trust this guy. I think he re-gifted, and then he
de-gifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a
springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp."
- Jerry, about Tim Whatley,
in "The Label Maker"
"I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!"
- Kramer, after catching
Newman cheating at Risk,
in "The Label Maker"
"You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road
apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think
it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine."
- Kramer, close to victory in
Risk, in "The Label Maker"
==============================================================
"The Switch"
"Next time let's play ping-pong. It's easier to jump over
the net."
- Jerry, after a game of
tennis, in "The Switch"
"The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman."
- Jerry, about his new
girlfriend, a non-laugher,
in "The Switch"
"Well, I heard a noise."
"What noise?"
"You know, 'Bleeaahhh'."
"What 'Bleeaahhh'?"
"From the bathroom..."
"Oh, you think she was refunding?"
"Every time we go out to eat, the minute we're done she's
running for the bathroom."
"So you're concerned?"
"Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals.
It's like throwing money down the toilet."
- George, Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Switch"
"Cosmo!"
- Babs Kramer, revealing
her son's first name,
in "The Switch"
"All my life I've been running away from that name. That's why
I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All
this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I
was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry, I'm Cosmo Kramer, and that's who
I'm going to be. From now on, I'm Cosmo!"
- Kramer, in "The Switch"
"Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization
no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In
the middle ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
"They didn't have roommates in the middle ages."
"How do you know?"
"Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments."
"Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200
somewhere there were two women living together."
- George and Jerry,
in "The Switch"
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that
you know me and have access to my dementia?"
- George, in "The Switch"
"I'm not an orgy guy."
- Jerry, in "The Switch"
==============================================================
"The Implant"
"I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless,
of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a
leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the
stairmaster. You get up there and you stare."
- Jerry, in "The Implant"
"Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs."
- Jerry, in "The Implant"
"Every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like
on their first date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting
on his wrong side."
"Wrong side?"
"Yes, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his
left hand. Can't go left."
"He can't go left?"
"No. I'm leftie, can't go right. What about women? Do they go
left or right?"
"No, we just play defense."
- Jerry and Elaine,
in "The Implant"
"In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies.
Why would you think on this entire planet that you're one of
those three?"
- George, in "The Implant"
"You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose.
You don't unhook anything to get to a nose. And no man has
ever tried to look up a woman's nostril."
- Jerry, in "The Implant"
"Sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met,
you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool."
- Elaine, to Jerry,
in "The Implant"
"It's like a sauna in here."
- Kramer, sitting in a sauna,
in "The Implant"
"This confers upon you instant boyfriend status."
- Jerry, to George,
in "The Implant"
"Did you just double-dip that chip?"
"Excuse me?"
"You double-dipped the chip."
"Double-dipped? What are you talking about?"
"You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again."
"So?"
"That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip. Look,
from now on when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it."
"Well, I'm sorry Timmy, but I don't dip that way."
"Oh, you don't, huh?"
"No. You dip the way you want to dip, I'll dip the way I
want to dip."
- Timmy and George,
in "The Implant"
"And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular."
- Sidra, to Jerry,
in "The Implant"
==============================================================
"The Secretary"
"It's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages
for your mother."
"And now someone's going to be taking messages for me."
"From your mother."
- Jerry and George,
in "The Secretary"
"You're extremely attractive, you're gorgeous. I'm looking
at you, I can't even remember my name."
- George, in "The Secretary"
"I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra."
- George, in "The Secretary"
"It's definitely do-able."
- Ada, George's new secretary,
in "The Secretary"
"This is false reflecting!"
- Elaine, accusing a store
of having skinny mirrors,
in "The Secretary"
"When you're shopping on Madison Avenue, you don't want to
skip on the swank."
- Kramer, in "The Secretary"
"He's got the Kavorka."
- Jerry, about Kramer,
in "The Secretary"
"What, do you think the dry cleaner's your own personal closet?!"
- Jerry, who caught the dry
cleaner's wife wearing his
mother's fur coat, in "The
Secretary"
"For our next meal, do you think we should come here, or should
we go someplace else? It has its pros and cons. On the one
hand, here you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, this would be good but it would be the
same. But if we go someplace else it would be different,
but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it!"
- Banya and Jerry,
in "The Secretary"
==============================================================
"The Race"
"I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois."
"I know. Finally!"
- George and Jerry,
in "The Race"
"Man, that's some tart cider."
- Jerry, enjoying a holiday
beverage, in "The Race"
"So, you were the fastest kid in school."
"Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois."
- Lois and Jerry,
in "The Race"
"The Daily Worker has personals?"
"Yeah, and they say that appearance is not important."
"Yours or hers?"
- Jerry and George,
in "The Race"
"Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se.
I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring
the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system."
- George, trying to get a
date with a communist,
in "The Race"
"Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out."
- Kramer, working as a department
store Santa Claus, in "The Race"
"So, what have you been doing with yourself?"
"I'm a comedian."
"Well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV.
I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever
notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing
that kind of humor."
"Yeah yeah... Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you?
You used to really have a thick full head of hair."
"Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about 28, right
around the time I made my first million."
- George and Jerry, acting like
they haven't seen each other
for years, in "The Race"
"There are no delicatessens under communism."
"Woah, why not?"
"Well, because the meats are divided into a class system. You've
got pastrami and corned beef in one class and salami and bologna
in another. That's not right."
"So you can't get corned beef?"
"Well, you know, if you're in the Politburo, maybe."
- Kramer and Mickey,
in "The Race"
"Fine, you want to be a communist, be a communist. Can't you at
least look like a successful communist?"
- Elaine, to her boyfriend,
in "The Race"
==============================================================
"The Soup"
"I don't want to go out to dinner with him. I'd rather
make my own suit."
- Jerry, who accepted a new Armani
suit from Kenny in exchange for
a meal, in "The Soup"
"I love the day date... No wine, no shower..."
- Jerry, in "The Soup"
"Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word
manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it.
Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is
actually pretty refreshing."
- George, in "The Soup"
"I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun! Very
monastic."
- Kramer, in "The Soup"
"The soup counts!"
- Jerry, to Kenny, in "The Soup"
"You worn the suit yet?"
"Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it."
- Kenny and Jerry, in "The Soup"
"If I go back in there without any food, there's gonna be trouble!"
- Kramer, whose new girlfriend
has a voracious appetite,
in "The Soup"
==============================================================
"The Mom and Pop Store"
"What's so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell
you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn't
shop there."
- George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"I don't wanna be a cowboy!"
- Jerry, who only has cowboy boots
to wear, in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"Hey, I've got Jon Voight's LeBaron."
"Boss!"
- George and Kramer, in
"The Mom and Pop Store"
"Oh look, there's Gregory Peck's bicycle! And Barbara
Mandrell's skateboard!"
- Jerry, teasing George, in
"The Mom and Pop Store"
"So where's my sneakers?"
"That's what I want to know."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw mom and pop this morning, but when I went by
the store on my way home the place was empty. Everything
is gone. Mom and pop vanished!"
"So all my sneakers are gone?"
"I'm afraid so, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I've been asking around. They didn't even have any kids."
"Mom and pop aren't even a mom and pop?
"It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored
big-time!"
"So, mom and pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood,
establish trust - for 48 years - and then run off with
Jerry's sneakers?"
"Apparently."
- Jerry, Kramer and Elaine,
in "The Mom and Pop Store"
"For all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite
you. How am I going to feel if I show up with an uninvited,
unwelcome intruder?"
"The way I feel when I go places with you?"
- George and Jerry, in
"The Mom and Pop Store"
"You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker?"
"Yeah, what is he, some sort of an instigator?"
"That's right, he's a troublemaker."
- Kramer and George, in
"The Mom and Pop Store"
+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU |
| Boise State University | Internet: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU |
+========================+=====================================+