The Complete Script to TIST, version 0.90
Note Sept.22 1994 - Most of this script was made by Scott
Hagberg
(hagbergs@mari.acc.stolaf.edu),
Jim Curran and "the dude who posted the
original chunk of
script", to qoute Scott's intro.
Svein Ivar Halvorsen( a Norwegian :-) )
(sveini@himolde.no) completed the script
- the entries marked with * - these are not
yet proof-read.
THIS IS SPINAL TAP
A Rockumentary by Martin DiBergi
Starring (in order of appearance)
Rob Reiner as Marty DeBergi
Kimberly Stringer as Heavy Metal Fan
Chazze Dominguez as Heavy Metal Fan
Shari Hall as Heavy Metal Fan
R J Parnell as Mick Shrimpton
David Kaff as Viv Savage
Tony Hendra as Ian Faith
Michael McKean as David St Hubbins
Christopher Guest as Nigel Tufnel
Harry Shearer as Derek Smalls
Bruno Kirby as Tommy Pischedda
Jean Gromie as Ethereal Fan
Patrick Maher as New York M C
Ed Begley Jr as John 'Stumpy' Pepys
Danny Kortchmar as Ronnie Pudding
Fran Drescher as Bobbi Flekman
Patrick MacNee as Sir Dennis Eton-Hogg
Memo Vera as Bartender
Julie Payne as Mime Waitress
Dana Carvey as Mime Waiter
Sandy Helberg as Angelo DiMentibello
Robin Mancken as Angelo's Associate
Zane Buzby as Rolling Stone Reporter
Billy Crystal as Morty the Mime
Jennifer Child as Limo Groupie
J J Barry as Rack Jobber
George McDaniel as Southern Rock Promoter
Paul Benedict as Tucker 'Smitty' Brown
Anne Churchill as Reba
Howard Hesseman as Terry Ladd
Paul Shortino as Duke Fame
Cherie Darr as Fame Groupies
Lara Cody as Fame Groupies
Andrew J Ledeaca as Student Promoter
Russ Kunkel as Eric 'Stumpy Joe' Childs
Diana Duncan as 'Jamboree Bop' Dancer
Gina Marie Petrillo as 'Jamboree Bop' Dancer
June Chadwick as Jeanine Pettibone
Vicki Blue as Cindy
Joyce Hyser as Belinda
Gloria Gifford as Airport Security Officer
Paul Shaffer as Artie Fufkin
Archie Hahn as Room Service Guy
Charles Levin as Disc 'n' Dat Manager
Wonderful Smith as Janitor
Anjelica Huston as Polly Deutsch
Chris Romano as The Little Druids
Daniel Rogers as The Little Druids
Fred Willard as Lt Hookstratten
Fred Asparagus as Joe 'Mama' Besser
Rodney Kemerer as LA Party Guest
and Robert Bauer as Moke
<Film Studio>
Marty: Hello. My name is Marty DeBergi. I'm a film maker.
I
make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases
the
covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine.
In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village New York City
to a
rock club called the Electric Banana. Don't look for
it, it's
not there any more. But that night I heard a band that
for me
redefined the word rock and roll. I remember being
knocked
out by their, their exuberance, their raw power -- and
their
punctuality.
That band was Britain's now-legendary Spinal Tap.
Seventeen
years and fifteen albums later, Spinal Tap is still
going
strong, and they've earned a distinguished place in
rock history
as one of England's loudest bands.
So in the late fall of 1982 when I heard that Tap was
releasing a new album called 'Smell the Glove,' and was
planning their first tour of the United States in
almost 6 years
to promote that album, well needless to say I jumped at
the
chance to make the documentary, the, if you will,
rockumentary
that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the, the
sights,
the sounds, the smells, of a hard-working rock band on
the road.
And I got that. But I got more, a lot more. But hey -
- enough
of my yackin'. Whaddaya say, let's boogie.
<Outside the venue>
Fan 1: Gives me a lot of energy, makes me happy.
Fan 2: Heavy metal's deep, you can get stuff out of it.
Fan 3: The way they dress, the leather.
<JFK Airport, New York>
David: Which one is this? Is this LaGuardia or is this-- ?
Ian: No, this is JFK. New York, New York.
<Back outside the venue>
Roadie: Watch it now, watch it now.
Ethereal fan: It's like you become one with the guys in the
band. I
mean there's...there's no division, you
just...the music
just unites people...with the players.
<Onstage>
New York M C: You want it right, direct from hell, Spinal
Tap!
--- Spinal Tap performs 'Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You
Tonight'---
David: We are Spinal Tap from the UK you must be the USA!
<Garden Interview I>
Marty: Let's...uh talk a little bit about the history of
the group.
I understand Nigel you and David originally started the
band
wuh...back in...when was it...back in 1964?
David: Well before that we were in different groups, I was
in a
group called 'The Creatures' and w-which was a skiffle
group.
Nigel: I was in Lovely Lads.
David: Yeah.
Nigel: And then we looked at each other and says well we
might as well
join up you know and uh....
David: So we became The Originals.
Nigel: Right
David: And we had to change our name actually....
Nigel: There was another group in the east end called The
Originals and
we had to rename ourselves.
David: The New Originals.
Nigel: The New Originals and then, uh, they became....
David: The Regulars, they changed their name back to The
Regulars and
we thought well we could go back to The Originals but
what's the point?
Nigel: We became The Thamesmen at that point.
--- Thamesmen play Gimme Some Money ---
--- British TV: Pop, Look & Listen 1965 ---
Marty: Your first drummer was uh....
Nigel: The peeper....
David: Joe stumpy Pepys...great great...uh...tall blond
geek...glasses uh...
Nigel: Uh.. good drummer.
David: Great look, good drummer.
Nigel: Good, good drummer....
David Fine drummer....
Marty: What happened to him?
David: He died he died in a bizarre gardening accident some
years back.
Nigel: It was one of those things...it was...you know...the
authorities
said...you know...well best leave it unsolved,
really....
Marty: And he was replaced by...uh....
David: Stumpy Joe - Eric Stumpy Joe Childs.
Marty: What happened to Stumpy Joe?
Derek: Well, uh, it's not a very pleasant story...but,he
died...
uh...he choked on...the ac...the official explanation
was he
choked on vomit.
David: He passed away.
Nigel: It was actually someone else's vomit. It's not....
David: It's ugly.
Nigel: You know. There's no real....
Derek: You know they can't prove whose vomit it was...they
don't
have the facilities at Scotland Yard....
Nigel: You can't really dust for vomit.
<Reception, New York>
Ian: Here we go...Soho they call this place....
David: 'So' what?
Bobbi: How are you? Ian! Hi fellas.
Derek: Who is that?
Ian: Bobbi Flekman.
Bobbi: Yes, Bobbi Flekman - the hostess with the mostest.
You
know, you know. Hi handsome. How you doing? All
right listen
I want you all to meet Sir Dennis Eton-Hogg now he's
the
head of Polymer.
Band: We know, we know.
Bobbi: (To Nigel) You don't talk so much - just smile and
look smart.
Dennis, come here...come here I want you to meet Spinal
Tap,
our guests of honor.
Sir Dennis: How very nice to meet you!
Bobbi: Kids this is Sir Dennis Eaton -Hogg...this is Nigel.
Sir Dennis: Oh so this is Nigel!
Nigel: Thanks a lot for letting us uh....
Bobbi: Let's go over here and all take a picture together.
Where's Christine? Where's my photographer? Come over
here
honey. What's your name? Christine? Good, good!
Reporter: You guys look great. I mean you look fantastic.
You would never
know that you are almost 40. I mean if I looked
this good and
from the stage too it's amazing you know....
Morty the mime: I did the bird, do the dead bird...get the
dwarf canoles the
little ones....
Mime: I did the bird....
Morty the mime: C'mon, don't talk back huh...mime is money: let's go
come on move it!
Sir Dennis: Now we here at Polymer we're all looking forward
to a long and...and...and fruitful relationship
with Spinal Tap.
We wish them great success on their North American
tour and so
say all of us...Tap into America!
<limo>
Limo driver: Excuse me...are you reading Yes I Can?
Limo groupie: Yeah, have you read it?
Limo driver: Yeah, by Sammy Davis Jr.?
Limo groupie: Yeah.
Limo driver : You know what the title of that book should
be?
Yes I Can if Frank Sinatra Says it's Okay. Cause
Frank
calls the shots for all of those guys . Did you
get to
the part yet where uh...Sammy is coming out of
the Copa...
it's about 3:00 in the morning and uh...he sees
Frank?
Frank's walking down Broadway by himself....
(Limo window raised by Nigel)
Limo driver: Fucking limeys.
Marty: Well you know, ah...they're not uh,...used to that
world.
Limo driver: Yeah yeah.
Marty: You know Frank Sinatra it's a different world that
they're in.
Limo driver: You know, it's just that people like
this...you know...
they get all they want so they don't really
understand,
you know...about a life like Frank's when you've
loved and
lost the way Frank has,then you uh...you know
what life's about.
Ian: The Times may even do something.
David: The New York Times?
Ian: Yeah, the New York Times
David: The bump we've got to iron out here is when do we
get the album
released. I mean it doesn't matter how good the press
is or what
the stringers....
Ian: As I explained last night you know we're not gonna
saturate
the New York market....now Philly now that's a real
rock and roll town.
David: Oh Philly's great.
Ian: Be assured that the album will be available all
throughout the
Philadelphia metropolitan area.
David: So you are hitting that market regardless of how
we're selling
in New York?
Ian: We are doing, we certainly are doing, well, I'm doing
everything
I can.
David: That's right. We are not blaming you, you know that
we're not
blaming you.
Marty: But you don't feel these guys have an effect on an
audience,
I mean, kids go to their concert they have a great
time, uhh....
Limo driver: But it's a passing thing...it's uh.... I mean
I would
never tell them this but it's uh...this is a fad.
--- Spinal Tap plays Big Bottom---
--- at Fidelity Hall, Philadelphia ---
<Garden Interview II>
Marty: Let's talk about your reviews a little
bit...regarding Intravenus
de Milo, this tasteless cover is a good indication of
the lack of
musical invention within. The musical growth rate of
this band
cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a
sea of
retarded sexuality and bad poetry.
Nigel: That's nit picking, isn't it?
Marty: The Gospel According to Spinal Tap: This
pretentious ponderous
collection of religious rock psalms is enough to
prompt the
question, "What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap and
couldn't
he have rested on that day too?"
David: Never heard that one!
Derek: That's a good one, that's a good one!
Marty: The review you had on Shark Sandwich...which was
merely a two word
review - just said shit sandwich. Umm....
Derek: Where'd they print that, where'd they print that?
David: Where did that appear?
Nigel: That's not real,is it?
Derek: You can't print that.
<Recording Industry Convention Atlanta, Georgia >
Derek: All those arguments about touring or not touring and
all
that it's obvious we belong on tour you know....
Ian: All that stuff about you being too old and you being
too
white but....
Derek: But what about the album, Ian?
David: Well that's the real problem there's no way to
promote
something that doesn't exist, you know....
Ian: It's a very unimportant reason, it's just that they're
experimenting
with some new uh...packaging materials. Let me get
the door.
Derek: Experimenting? What they got monkeys opening it or
what?
Ian: Oh there's uhh...the other thing is that the uh...the
Boston
gig has been cancelled. Yeah. I wouldn't worry about
it though,
it's not a big college town.
Southern rock promoter: I heard you boys got an album
coming out.
David: Yeah, it should be out, it's called Smell the
Glove...
yeah yeah yeah....
Extra: It's a provocative title.
David: Wait till you see the cover, wait till you see the
cover,
very provcative indeed.
Ian: Can I tear you away from all of this?
Bobbi: Do you have a drink?
Ian: No, I don't, I don't really need one. Listen, um...I
really,
I really do have to talk to you a bit about this,
uh....
Bobbi: Whatever is on your mind....
Ian: It's about this whole issue about the issue of the
cover...we feel
and it seems to be facts that, uh...the company is
rather down on
the cover. Is that the case?
Bobbi: Yes.
Ian: You can give it to me straight, you know.
Bobbi: Listen, they don't like the cover, they don't like
the cover.
Ian: Uh huh well that is certainly straight.
Bobbi: They find it very offensive and very sexist.
Ian: Well what exactly do you find offensive?
Bobbi: Ian, you put a greased naked woman on all fours
with a
dog collar around her neck and a leash...
Ian: ...and a leash...
Bobbi: ...and a man's arm extended out up to here holding
the leash and
pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You
don't find
that offensive, you don't find that sexist?
Ian: No I don't this is 1982, Bobbi, come on.
Bobbi: That's right it's 1982 get out of the 60's we don't
have
this mentality any more.
Ian: Well you shoulda seen the cover they wanted to do. It
wasn't a glove believe me.
Bobbi: I don't care what they wanted to do now see this is
something
Ian that you are going to have to talk to your boys
about.
Ian: We're certainly not laying down any conditions...
Bobbi: And I dont' think that a sexy cover is the answer
for
why an album sells or doesn't sell becuase you tell me
...the white
album? What was that? There was nothing on that
goddamn cover.
Excuse me the phone's ringing. Ian we'll talk about
this after.
Ian: Sure, okay.
Bobbi: Hello. Oh hi Dennis. Uh, oh, okay. Why don't you
tell him?
Okay hold on one minute. Ian? It's Eton-Hogg, he
wants to talk
to you.
Ian: Okay. Thank you darling.
Bobbi: You're welcome.
Ian: Hello Sir Dennis. Hi, how are you?
(out of phone) Oh, fucking old poofdah! (into phone)
But it's
really not that offensive Sir Dennis come on. Okay.
I'll call
you absolutely first thing in the morning. (slam
phone) Ah, shit.
They are not gonna release the album...because they
have
decided the cover is sexist.
Nigel: Well so what? What's wrong with being sexy?
I mean there's no....
Ian: Sex-ist.
David: Sex-ist
Bobbi: Okay listen I wanted to tell you this and and.. I
was holding back
because I didn't know what Dennis' decision was going
to be...
but at this point both Sears and K-Mart stores have
refused to
handle the album. They're boycotting the album only
because of
the cover. If the first album had been a hit....
Ian: If the company is behind the album they can shove it
right down
their throats.
Bobbi: Money talks and bullshit walks and if the first
album was a hit
then we could have pressed on them then we could have
told them yes....
Ian: The music....every cut on this album is a hit.
Bobbi: Let's . ..I don't give a shit what the album's....
Nigel: It's a joke it's a joke... they're making i like a
big deal.
David: That's true. You know, if we were serious and we
said 'yes she
should be forced to sniff...smell the glove' then you'd
have a
point you know but it's all a joke, isn't it, we're
making fun
of that sort of thing.
Nigel: It is and it isn't she should be made to smell
it....but
David: But not you know over and over again
Bobbi: You know we can probably work something out. I'll
talk to Dennis
and maybe we can come up with a compromise. A new
design concept
that we can all live with.
<interview in restaurant>
Marty: You guys were school mates
Nigel: We don't...we're not not university material
David: What's that on your finger?
Nigel: That's my gum!
David: What's it doing on your finger?
Nigel: I might need it later.
David: Put it on the table, that's terrible.
Nigel: Well...I might forget it on the table.
David: You can't take him anywhere.
Marty: How old were you guys when you met?
David: Eight years old. Eight or nine.
Nigel: You were eight and I was seven.
David: That's right, yeah.
Marty: Do you remember the first song that you guys ever
wrote together?
David: All the Way Home, probably.
Marty: All the Way Home?
David: Yeah.
Marty: Can you remember a little bit of it? I'd love to
hear
it.
David: Christ. Some black coffee maybe we could do it.
Nigel: How's it go?
Nigel and David: I'm standing out beside the railroad
track...and I'm
waiting for that train to bring you back....if
if if
if if ....she's not on the the 5:19 then I'm
gonna know
what sorrow means.....and I'm gonna cry cry cry
all the
way home....all the way home....all the way
home.....
David: Cry cry cry all the way home.....fairly
simple.....there's about
six words in the whole song, you know. Just repeat them
over and
over again.
Marty: Let's talk about your music today...uh...one thing
that puzzles me
...um...is the make up of your audience seems to be
...uh...
predominately young boys.
David: Well it's a sexual thing, really isn't it. Aside
from the
identifying the boys do with us there's also a reaction
to the
female.....of the female to our music. How did you put
it?
Nigel: Really they're quite fearful - that's my theory.
They see us on
stage with tight trousers we've got, you know,
armadillos in our
trousers, I mean it's really quite frightening...the
size...and
and they run screaming.
--- Spinal Tap performs Hell Hole ---
--- Chapel Hill, North Carolina ---
*<Vandermint Auditorium>
Nigel: Ian, can I have a word with you for a minute?
Ian: Yes?
Nigel: ...uh, couple of problems with the...
Ian: What?
Nigel: ..arrangments backstage...
Ian: What excactly?
Nigel: Well, uh..
Ian: what, I mean...
Nigel: No, there's some problems here, I don't even know
where to start,
alright? this....
Ian: Soundcheck, whats, whats, whats wrong?
Nigel: No, no, no this....look, look, look, there's a little
problem
with the... look this, this miniature bread. It's
like...
I've been working with this now for about half an
hour.
I can't figure out... let's say I want a bite, right,
this....
Ian: You'd like bigger bread?
Nigel: Exactly! I don't understand how...
Ian: you could fold this though.
Nigel: Well,no then it's half the size.
Ian: Not the bread, fold the meat.
Nigel: But then it breaks up....
Ian: No, no, no, you put it on the bread like this, you see
Nigel: But then, if you keep folding it, it keeps
breaking...
Ian: Why do you keep folding it?
Nigel: Everyhing has to be folded, and then it's this, and I
don't
want this I want large bread so that I can put
this...so then it's
like this, this does not work because then...it's
all....
Ian: 'cause it hangs out like that?
Nigel: Look...
Ian: Yeah.
Nigel: Would you been holding this?
Ian: No, I don't want to eat...I wouldn't want to eat
anything like that,
you're right, you're right...
Nigel: No, allright 'A', exhibit 'A', now we move on to
this, look, look
who's in here? No one! And then in here there's a little
guy, look,
so it's, it's a complete catastrophy.
Ian: You're right, Nigel, Nigel calm down, calm down.
Nigel: Calm down? Good, no it's not a big deal it's a joke,
it's really it's
Ian: ...college I'm sorry, it's just some crappy
univeristy, you know
Nigel: I know, Yeah, right, it's a joke, it's all a joke...
Ian: I don't want it to affect your performance.
Nigel: It's not gonna affect my performance, don't worry
about it
I just hate it, it's really.
Ian: I won't happen again.
Nigel: It does disturb me but I'll rise above it, I'm a
proffesional, right.
Ian: Allright.
--- Spinal Tap Perfoms Hell Hole ---
<Amid Nigel's Guitar Collection>
Marty: Do you play all...I mean do you actually play all
these or...?
Nigel: Well, I play them and I cherish them.
Marty: Mmm-hmm....
Nigel: This is the top of the heap right here. There's no
question about it. Look at the flame on that one....
Marty: Yes.
Nigel: I mean it's just...it's quite unbelievable. This o-
this one
is just ah...is perfect...1959...ah...you know, it
just, you can
uh...listen!
Marty: How much does this....
Nigel: Just listen for a minute....
Marty: I'm not....
Nigel: The sustain...listen to it...
Marty: I'm not hearing anything.
Nigel: You would, though, if it were playing, because it
really...
it's famous for its sustain...I mean, you could, just
hold it....
Marty: Well I mean so you don't....
Nigel: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... You could go and have a bite
an'...aaaaaaaaa...
you'd still be hearin' that one. Could you hold this a
sec'?
Marty: Sure.
Nigel: This one...this 'course is a custom three-pickup-
'Paul. This
is my radio...unit....
Marty: Oh, I see....
Nigel: So I strap this...this piece on, you know, right
down in here
when I'm on stage and....
Marty: It's a wireless.
Nigel: Wireless, exactly. And...uh I can play without all
the mucky-muck.
Marty: You can run anywhere on stage with that.
Nigel: Exactly. Now this is special, too, it's
a...look...see...still
got the uh...the ol' tagger on it...see...never even
played it
...see...
Marty: You just bought it and....
Nigel: Don't touch it! Don't touch it! No one...no
one...no! Don't
touch it.
Marty: Well uh I wasn't...uh I wasn't gonna touch it...I
was just
pointing at it...I....
Nigel: Well don't point, even.
Marty: Don't even point?
Nigel: No. It cahn't be played...never...I mean I....
Marty: Can I look at it?
Nigel: No. No you've seen enough of that one.
Marty: Don't look at it.
Nigel: This is a top to a, you know, what we use on stage,
but it's
very...very special because if you can see...
Marty: Yeah...
Nigel: ...the numbers all go to eleven. Look...right
across the board.
Marty: Ahh...oh, I see....
Nigel: Eleven...eleven...eleven....
Marty: ...and most of these amps go up to ten....
Nigel: Exactly.
Marty: Does that mean it's...louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You
see, most...
most blokes'll be playing at ten. You're on ten
here...all the way
up...all the way up....
Marty: Yeah....
Nigel: ...all the way up. You're on ten on your
guitar...where can
you go from there? Where?
Marty: I don't know....
Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is if we need that
extra...push
over the cliff...you know what we do?
Marty: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be
the top...
number...and make that a little louder?
Nigel: ...these go to eleven.
<Hotel Lobby, Memphis, Tennessee>
Smitty: Are you uh - are you Spinal Tap?
Ian: Spinal Tap -- this is Spinal Tap.
?: Tap -- Tap -- Tap -- Tap -- Tap.
Smitty: Welcome to Memphis, gentlemen. We have a slight
problem with
your reservation. Nothing serious, I'm afraid.
Ian: How slight?
Smitty: You wanted seven, uh, suites.
Ian: Seven. Seven suites.
Smitty: Yes w-we-he mistakenly put you on the seventh floor
with one
suite.
Ian: That's considerably more than minor.
Smitty: Well, it's a good-sized room, sir. It's a, it's a
'King Leisure.'
We can get you a - something-
Ian: How are we going to get fourteen people in a 'King
Leisure' bed?!
Smitty: Oh-ho-ho don't - don't tempt me, sir.
David: Have a good time, will you -- we'll be right here.
Ian: I will, I'll take care of it.
Smitty: Welcome, gentlemen - and very attractive they are,
too.
Ian: Hey! Hey! Listen to me: We want these suites, and
we want them
now! OK? These people are tired, we have sound check
in....
Smitty: Yes, sir. We can't help you out - Reba - perhaps
you can help
here.
Reba: What's the problem, sir?
Smitty: Can you give me a hand, please?
Ian: Yes. I'll tell you what you can do. OK? This -
twisted old
fruit here - tells me that you have fucked up my
reservations.
Smitty: I'm just as God made me, sir.
David: What's the difference between golf and miniature
golf?
Derek: I think it's-uh...
DS&MS: The walls.
(Crazed female fans shriek.)
David: Uh-oh- look out, here they come....
Derek: Hold your breath.
Fan: Duke! Duke! Can I have your autograph?
Nigel: It's Duke.
David: Duke! Duke!
Terry: Get your hands back.
David: It's OK, we know'm, it's Spinal Tap.
Terry: Sure.
David: David St Hubbins, Spinal Tap; Derek Smalls, Spinal
Tap; Nigel....
Terry: Look, we gotta get going here.
David: Listen, uh...uh...where you playing in town? You
you playin'
here?
Terry: We're doin' the...uh...Enormodome whatever it is.
It's terrific,
it's a good house. We sold it out.
David: Oh yeah big place that side of town.
Terry: Very nice.
David: That's a big place. You sold it out?! What's that,
twenty-
thousand seats?
Terry: We really should run, you know...
Ian: Good heavens. How are you, laddy?! Great to see you,
Ter!
Terrific to see you.
Terry: Uhhhhm...Liam!
Ian: Ian. Ian.
Terry: Ian. Listen, we'd love to stand around and chat,
but we've
gotta...sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.
Derek: OK.
David: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you
again, Terry.
Derek: We'll catch up with you on the road.
Duke: Cheers.
David: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke.
Good days.
Good days.
David: Fuckin' wanker.
?: What a wanker.
David: What a wanker.
Derek: Total no talent sod.
Nigel: He's got this much talent -- this much if he's
lucky.
David: We carried him. We had to apologize for him with
our set.
Derek: That's right.
Mick: That's right, yeah.
David: People were still booin' 'im when we were on tour.
It's
all hype. It's all hype. It's all bought.
Ian: Yep. We got our rooms, big fat suites.
David: Lemme ask you something - lemme ask you something
Ian: What?
David: Have you seen Duke Fame's current album?
Ian: Um... yes, yes.
David: Have you seen the cover?
Ian: Um... no, no, I don't think I have.
David: It's a rather lurid cover, I mean...ah, it's, it's
like naked
women, and, uh....
Nigel: He's tied down to this table,
Ian: Uh-huh.
Nigel: And he's got these whips and they're all...semi
nude.
David: Knockin' on 'im and it's like much worse...
Ian: What's the point?
David: Well the point is it's much worse than 'Smell the
Glove'...
he releases that he's number three.
Ian: Because he's the victim. Their objections were that
she was
the victim. You see?
Derek: I see....
Nigel: Oh...
David: Ah....
Ian: That's all right, if the singer's the victim, it's
different.
It's not sexist.
Nigel: He did a twist on it. A twist and it s-
Derek: He did, he did. He turned it around.
Ian: We shoulda thought of that....
David: We were so close....
Ian: I mean if we had all you guys tied up, that probably
woulda
been fine.
All: Ah....
Ian: But it's...it's still a stupid cover.
David: It's such a fine line between stupid an'...
Derek: ...and clever.
David: Yeah, and clever.
Nigel: Just that little turnabout....
Ian: I have a small piece of bad news. Although it may
not be that
bad.
Mick: For a change, you mean?
Ian: We're-uh. We're cancelled here.
Derek: At the ho-tel?
Ian: No, we're cancelled - the gig is cancelled....
Derek: Fuck!
Ian: Uh...it says "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of
advertising funds"...
*<Ian's office>
Marty: The last time Tap toured America, they where, uh,
booked into
10.000 seat areans, and 15.000 seat venues, and it
seems that
now, on their current tour they're being booked into
1200 seat
areans, 1500 seat arenas, and I was just wondering,
does this mean
that the popularity of the group is waning?
Ian: Oh, no, no, no, no, no...no, no, not at all. I just
think that
the.. uh.. their appeal is becoming more selective.
Marty: Yeah. Now, I notice this here, you've got this
cricket bat here,
Ian: Yes.
Marty: Do you play?
Ian: No, I carry this partly of, uh, I don't know some sort
of, uh,
I suppose what's the word...uh....
Marty: Affectation?
Ian: Yes, I mean it's a kind of totemestic thing you know,
but to be quite
frank with you, it's come in usefull in a couple of
situations.
Certainly in the tuxy, turvy world of heavy rock,
having a good
solid piece of wood in your hands is quite often
useful.
Marty: mhmh.
*<Hotel room, Memphis, Tennessee>
David: I miss you too, darling...oh, not too well,
actually...
well, we've got some cancellations. We got to
Memphis,
and there is no gig in Memphis, and we found out that
this, this promotor in the Mid West has pulled out
St. Louis,
and Kansas City, and , uh...Eau Demoins?
I don't know, it's in Indiana or something....
I thought...don't tease me, that's not until April,
great!
We'll do it, oh good, Millwaukee, Wiscounsin....I've
no idea, you might have to take the plane to New
York, and
then get, and then get to Millwaukee from
there.....oh, good
I love you too darling...okay, bye.......
Ah, well, my problems are solved, mate!
Nigel: Who's that?
David: Jeanine, she's going to come to meet us. She was
supposed to do
this layout for Neil Kite's Boutique, but it's not
until April.
Nigel: Is she coming to drop some stuff off, you know, and
then...
David: No.
Nigel: ...and then go back?
David: No, she's coming on her own, she's going to travel
with us, gonna
go on the road with us.
?: Turn it up, turn it up!
David: She says she can hear that I'm eating too much sugar
on the phone,
she says my larynx is fat.
Derek: You might want to come next door, the radio is
playing a bit
of your past.
David: Ohooow.....I don't believe it!
?: Shhhhh
DJ: Oh, yeah, going all the way back to 1965 that one....
?: Shhhhhh
DJ: Don't it feel good, with The Thamsmen and "Cups and
Cakes"...
Derek: You're an oldie, you're an oldie!
DJ: The Thamesmen later changed their name to Spinal Tap
...are curently reciding in the "where are the now"
file.
Johnny Q with you on golden 106 and right after.
Derek: Rock you!
*<Elvis' grave, Graceland, Memphis, tennessee>
David: I'm really not sure this was such a great idea, I
mean
I don't feel any better than I did at the hotel.
Derek: He was going to do a TV special from here, before he
died.
David: Yeah, that's right, the musical version of "Somebody
Up There
Likes Me".....
"Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to
dwell...
well, it's down at the end of Lonely Stree, that's
Heartbreak Hotel".
Nigel: Do it with the harmony part.
David + Nigel: Well since my baby left me, I found a new
place to dwell...
David: The same key, though, i think.
David: + Nigel: Well since my baby left me, I found a new
place to dwell...
Nigel: No, I'm going "Well since my baby left me, meee,
meeee"
David: you can't hit that note!
Derek + David: + Nigel: Well since my baby left me, I found
a new place
to dwell...
Nigel: No, that's allright.
David: Not really, not really. Sounds raga, don't want to go
raga...
Nigel: No, not with this you don't: "Well since my baby left
me,
I found a new place to dwell..."
David: Sounds...fuckin barbershop...
Derek: Hey!
David: Barbershop raga.
Derek: Hey, watch the, watch the language, you're
harbituating The King!
David: This is terribly depressing.
Nigel: It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't
it?
David: Too much, too much fucking perspective.
*<garden interview III>
Marty: In 1967, uh, you... that was the first time Spinal
Tap
came to existence?
Derek: The whole world was changing in those days.
David: And, and we also has the world's ear
Derek We were changing the world.
David: Because we've just release an enormous selling
single:
"Listen to the Flower People"
Nigel: Flower People!
David: We toured the world, we toured the States...
Derek: We toured the world and elsewhere.
David: It was a dream come true.
--- Spinal Tap performs "(Listen to the) Flower People" --
-
--- JAMBOREE BOP American-TV 1967 ---
Marty: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your
drummer?
David: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond, he also died
in
mysterious circumstances...we were playing a...
Nigel: Festival...
David: Jazz-blues festival, where was that?
Nigeld: Blues-jazz really.
Derek: Blues-Jazz festival...
Nigel: It was in the isle of, it was in the isle of....
David + Derek: Isle of Lucy.
Derek: Isle of Lucy.
David: Isle of Lucy...jazz-blues festival...
Nigel: And....it was tragic really... he exploded on stage.
Derek: Just like that...he just went up...
Nigel: It just was like a flash of green light...and that
was it,
nothing was left...
David: Look at his face .... it's true, this really did
happen.
Nigel: Well, there was a little green globual on his drum
seat
David: Like a stain, really.
Nigel: It was a small stain, a globual, actually,and...
David: Several, you know dozens of people spontaneously
combust each year,
it's just not really widely reported.
Nigel: Right.
*<Sound check, Shank Hall, Millwuakee, Wiscounsin>
Nigel: Hello, hello, hello, hello
David: Testin, test, test, test, test "this is mike munber
one, this
is mike number one, isn't this a lot of fun?"
Nigel: Two, two, let's do G. S. M, allright,.... G. S. M.
--- Spinal Tap plays G S M, (Gimmie Some Money) ---
Jeanine: Hello, darling, hellooo, got a surprise for you.
David: Where'd you come from?
Jeanine: Where dou think I came from, bloody airplane,
didn't I?
?: David.....David.....David....David
Jeanine: ...feels good, I've been wanting to do that....
David: ...carry you about with me...
Jeanine: Whats...tell me
David: Wh...that's the film crew I told you about, this,
this is the film
crew: Ma...Ma'tn, this is Jeanine.
Marty: Hello.
Ian: Here it is! Here it is, lads! "Smell The
Glove"...gather round...
where's David?... David, get up here!
Derek: David, "Smell The Glove" is here. Hello Jeanine.
Ian: The moment we've all been waiting for...Here we go,
plenty for
everybody...here you are
David: What do you think?
Derek: Is this the test pressing?
Ian: No, this is IT, yes, that's right...
David: This is "Smell The Glove" by Spinal Tap....
Ian: That's "Smell The Glove" that's, that's the jacket
cover, it's
going out across the country in every store.
David: This is the compromise ..this is the compromise you
made?
Ian: Yes.
Derek: Is it going to say anything here, or...?
Ian: No, it's not going to say anything.
Nigel: It's going to be like this, all black...
Ian: No, it's going to be that simple, beautiful,
classic!
Derek: Looks a little bit like, you know, black
leather...you can see
yourself in... both sides.
David: I feel so bad, I feel so bad about this...
Nigel: It's like a black mirror.
Derek: I think it looks like death...
Nigel: It looks like mourning.
Ian: David, David, every, every movie, in every cinema
is about death;
Death sells!
Nigel: I think he's right, there is something about this,
that's that's
so black, it's like, "how much more black could this
be" and the
answer is "none, none... more black".
David: I think, like you've, like rationalizing this
whole thing into
something you did on purpose. I think we're stuck with
a very, very
stupid and a very, very desmo looking album, this is
depressing.
Nigel: David!
David: This is something you wear around your arm, you
don't put this on
your fucking turntable.
Nigel: David, it's a choice.
Ian: I frankly think that this is the turning point,
okay?I think, I
think this is we're on our way now.
Nigel: I agree, I agree...
Ian: It's time , time to kick arse!
--- Spinal Tap performs Rock N' Roll Creation ---
*<Mick Shrimpton in bathtub>
Marty: Given the history of Spinal Tap drummers, uh, in the
past,
do you have any fears, uh , for your life?
Mick: When I did join, you know , they did tell me, they
kind of took me
aside and said "Well, Mick, er, you know it's like
this" and it
did kind if freak me out a bit, but it can't always
happen to every,
can it?
Marty: Right, the law of averagenes says...
Mick: The law of averagenes...
Marty: ...says that you will survive.
Mick: Yeah.
*<Tour Bus>
Viv: Ohh, quite exiting, quite exiting this computer magic,
wheeeee...
Ian: How many planets have you destoyed, Viv?
Viv: Well, four or five, fifth tome around I think...really
five galaxies
gone, you know....
Derek: This is Cindy's first moustache.
Ian: Is it?
David: Can I take it off now?
Jeanine: Is it too hot in here?
David: No, it's...it's I'd like to go back to see what
they're up to
back there you know, I don't think they really need to
see this
until you've finished with it, you know...
Jeanine: ...meeting, you can all meet here...
David: Yeah, but they've got a game back there ... I'll
have a look at
the game it's like a sub-marine thing or something.
Jeanine: ...
*<David and Jeanine interview>
David: Before I met Jeanine, my life was cosmically a
shambles, it was.
I was using bits and pieces of whatever Eastern
phiosophies
happened to drift through my ,,transem and she sort
of sorted
it out for me, straightened it out for me,gave me a
path, you know,
a path to follow.
Marty: I wonder if you have as much influence over his
musical expression?
Jeanine: Oh, yes, I mean listen to him when he's
experimenting, and things
like that, don't I? He's, he plays things to me,
sometimes when he's
worked up, and he's got a new bit he wants to tell me
about, and I
say "that's good","that's bad", "that's shit" or
whatever...
David: Yes, she is very honest, she is brutally frank.
Marty: Well, how does that go along with the other band
members? I mean,you
David: Well, what happens is that she gives me the brutally
frank version
and I sort of tat it up for them.
Jeanine: Yes.
David: Of course, it's so strange because Nigel and Jeanine
are so similar in so many ways, but they just can't
, they don't
dislike each other at all...
Jeanine: No.
David: There's great love between the two of them...
Jeanine: oh, yes....
David: But, they just, there's some sort of communication
that's just not...
just blocked or something...
*<Nigel plays piano>
Marty: It's pretty....
Nigel: Yeah, I like it, been fooling aroud with it for a
couple of
months now, really delicate...
Marty: It's a bit of a departure from the kind of thing you
normally play.
Nigel: Yeah, it's part of a trilogy really, a musical
trilogy I'm
doing i D...minor, which I always find is really the
saddest of all
keys really. I don't know why, but it makes people
weep instantly
..baaaaa... baaaaaa....
Marty: It's very pretty.
Nigel: ...baaaa, baaaaa, yeah, just simple lines
intertwining, you know
very much like, I'm really influenced by Mozart and
Bach, It's sort
of inbetween those, really, a sort of a Mach piece
really, it's...
Marty: What do you call this?
Nigel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump"
Marty: hmm.
*<Airport security>
ASO: Do you have any metal objects in your pockets?
Derek: Yeah.
ASO: Take them out and put them in the bucket.
Derek: Coins, keys, tuning fork. Musician, I have to stay in
tune, you know.
ASO: Could you take the jacket off please?
Derek: Oh, it's the zipper...
?: Let's go then, hurry up.
ASO: Step over here, please.....raise your arms....Do you
have any
artificial plates or limbs?
Derek: Not really, no.
ASO: Uh...would you......
?: Yeah....
--- Spinal Tap plays Heavy Duty ---
*<Hotel Room, Chicago, Illinois>
Artie: Hi, Artie Fufkin.
Viv: hey, Artie...
Artie: Polymer Records, how are you, hey, howyadoin' you
are....Derek?
Derek: Derek, Yeah.
Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, how are you I'm your
promo
man here in Chicago.
Nigel: Wow, that's great.
Artie: I love you guys, and...
Nigel: yeah.
Artie: And of course, Nigel.
Nigel: Nigel.
Artie: I love you, Nigel Tufnel.
Nigel: Right.
Artie: I love your stuff, I go back with you guys....Artie
Fufkin,
Polymer Records
David: right, yeah.
Artie: And who are you, darlin'?
Derek: Oh, this is my special new friend, Cindy.
Artie: Hello, Cindy.
Nigel: And this is Belinda.
Artie: Hello, Belinda, Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records,
promo....and i'm..,
what's going on here...
?: They're making a...
Artie: ...hi, hi guys, Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, nice
to see you,
and where is David... David, hi, Artie Fufkin, how
are you?
David: It's nice to see you..
Artie: We've got something exiting happening tomorrow....
Mick: Food! Food!...Ahhhhh...
?: The food!
RSG: Oh, thank god, Civilization! Where do I put this?
*<Disk an' Dat autograph session>
Artie: What are you doing to me here?
RO: I'm not doing anytihing.
Artie: I thought we had a relationship here ... what
happended?
RO: Business is terrible, what can I tell you... this is
the truth.
Artie: I know business is terrible, but what happens with
the record store
with the promotion, and no one shows up!
RO: This isn't a personal thing Artie, nobody's coming in
the store to...
Artie: Forget personal. We had a relationship here, forget
about personal,
what about a relationship? I feel like a shlump, I
don't know what's
happening, It's me, that's what happening. It's me, I
did it,
it was my fault.
Nigel: We were told massiive radio support.
Artie: We did! We did massive.
Nigel: Vast...they said vast radio support.
Artie: We did massive we exaggurated, we over exaggurated.
That's what it is, It's me, I fucked up, I fucked up
the timing,
I fucked up the timing, that's all. I've got no
timing,
I 've got no timing, I've got *no* timing. Do you
know what I
want you to do? Will you do something for me?
Nigel: What?
Artie: Do me a favour, just kick my ass, okey? Kick this ass
for a man,
that's all, kick my ass, enjoy! C'mon, I'm not
asking, I'm telling
with this, kick my ass!
<Xanadu Star Theater, Cleveland, Ohio>
Crowd: C'mon...c'mon!
Derek: Well we've kept 'em waiting long enough. Let's do
it to them.
C'mon Mick!!!
Nigel: Let's go Mr. Shrimpton!
Derek: Let's rock 'n roll!
Crowd: C'mon. Let's hear some rock 'n roll!
Derek: Rock 'n roll!!!
Nigel: Let's go then!!!
Viv: Yeah. Yeah mate!!!
Derek: Going to be a hot one isn't it?
Nigel: It's going to be a great show.
Derek: No it's not an exit. Not an exit.
David: We don't want an exit.
Derek: No, that's true.
David: Try this way.
Derek: I hope so. This way.
David: Wait, this looks familiar, though. Listen...it
really does.
Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap...
David: Shit.
Derek: Let's not lose it though! Let's not lose it...Where
the fuck is
Ian? You know he should be here.
Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap....
Derek: We got to get to it someway. We've been on stage
right?
David: We're in the group. We're in the group that's
playing tonight.
Workman: You go right straight through this door here, down
the hall....
David: Yeah.
Workman: ...turn right...
David: Yeah.
Workman: ...and then there's a little jog there, about
thirty feet...
David: A jog?
Workman: ...jog to the left...
David: A jog?
Derek: We don't have time for that.
Workman: ...go straight ahead...
David: We trust you. We trust you.
Workman: ...go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn
right the next
two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized
Personnel
Only"...
David: Yeah.
Workman: Open that door, that's the stage!
David: You think so?
Workman: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?
David: We've got guitars yeah.
Workman: It's on the...
David: All right! Thank you. Thank you very much. Rock
'n roll!!!
Rock and roll!!!
Viv: Let's get it! Let's get it!
David: This way?
Derek: No, this way.
David: I see, this way.
Derek: Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland!
Hello
Cleveland!!!
Nigel: Let's go!
David: Fuck!
Workman: You must've made a wrong turn.
Derek: We gotta go another way.
David: Other way. Other way. Other way.
Derek: Other way. Other way.
<Season's Restaurant>
David: I hate to keep harping on this, but I think that the
notion of a
black album has really cursed us.
Ian: Believe me, we're getting some very substantial
reports of airplay.
I don't think we have to worry about that.
Jeanine: You know, it might have been better if the, uh,
album had been
mixed right.
David: Well I suppose you could cry about that, of course
it's true. I
mean it's true.
Jeanine: It wasn't...it was mixed all wrong, wasn't it?
Nigel: It was mixed wrong?
Jeanine: Yeah....
Nigel: Were you there?
Jeanine: ...you couldn't hear the...
Nigel: How do you know it was mixed wrong?
David: But she's...she's heard the...she's heard the
record.
Jeanine: No, but I've heard the album.
Nigel: So you're judgment is that it was mixed wrong.
Jeanine: You couldn't hear the lyrics all over it.
David: You don't agree that you can't hear the vocals?
Nigel: No, I don't. I do not agree. No.
David: Well I think maybe....
Nigel: It's interesting that she's bringing it up.
David: Well she'd like to hear the vocals.
Nigel: I mean it's like it's me saying, you know, you're
using the wrong
conditioner for your hair.
Jeanine: You don't do heavy metal in doubly.
Nigel: In what??? In what???
Jeanine: In doubly.
Nigel: In Dublin!!! What's that?
David: She means Dolby, all right? She means Dolby, you
know? You know
perfectly well what she means.
Nigel: ...ha ha...
David: We shan't recover from this one. We shan't recover
from this one.
Ian: Oh come on.
David: Can I have...can I have the floor for just one
moment because
I've got, you know, something I'd like to show you.
These, uh,
Jeanine's been working on these very hard. These are a
new direction...
Jeanine: Got a new idea for a new presentation.
David: ...a stage look...for the band fashioned after...
Jeanine: The signs of the zodiac.
David: ...the signs of the zodiac.
Jeanine: We needed a new presentation.
David: This is a look for Viv; he's a Libra. There's sort
of the
ying...yang...
Jeanine:...ying and the yang...
David: ...sort of. Look, this is Nigel. He's...he's uh...
Capricorn.
Sort of a goat look.
Jeanine: I've given you a little bib. <beard>
Nigel: Is this a joke?
David: ...This is the...
Nigel: Excuse me, is this a joke?
Jeanine: A joke???
David: Just bear with us for one moment please. This...I
love this. I
wish I were...
Derek: Cancer.
David: This is your crab face. Give me a chance! Give it
a chance.
Ian: David. David. David. Please, wait a minute. Have
you any idea
what it will costs to dress up the band as animals?
Jeanine: Oh it don't cost nothing. It really doesn't.
David: They're not animals, they're signs of the zodiac.
Ian: They're animals.
David: It's a way to fight the drabs. You know we've got
the drabs.
Nigel: Well that's true. I think mine would look good -
better in doubly.
If it was done in doubly....
Jeanine: Oh shut up!!!
David: I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm quite open minded
enough....
Derek: David. No, no, David, there are solutions to all
problems. I
think we know what they are.
David: I've yet to hear them. I've yet to hear them....
Derek: We can take the rational approach; we can say....
Nigel: May I make a suggestion? May I make a suggestion?
I've got one
other suggestion.
David: Well let's hear yours. Let's hear your suggestion.
Nigel: Stonehenge. Stonehenge. It's the best production
value we've
ever had on stage.
David: But we haven't got the equipment. We haven't got
the equipment.
Nigel: Not yet we don't. Let's start...
David: We haven't got...
Nigel: Please, please just a moment. Musically we all know
it.
Ian: I don't think it's a bad idea.
Nigel: Musically we all know it. Right? No problems
musically. We go
right on stage. And it's quite simple. This is you
know...Ian can
take care of this...
David: I know what the Stonehenge monument looks like. We
don't have
that piece of scenery anymore.
Nigel: I know, so we build a new one. And this is it!
Ian: Consider...consider it done.
David: So you're just going to take care of it like that.
You're going
to find someone to design it...using that as a plan?
Ian: Let's try. Let's try.
David: If you can do it, I'll do the number.
*<interview in storeroom>
Marty: Do you feel that in collaboration with David, that
you are...
afforded the opportunity to express yourself
musically the way
you would like to?
Nigel: Well, I think I do you know in my solos. My solos
are my trademark.
<cut to Nigel's guitar solo>
<cut to room in Austin, Texas>
Ian: This looks actually perfect. I mean it's, uh, the
right
proportions. It'll be this color right?
Artist: Yeah.
Ian: Yeah. That's...that's...that's just terrific. It
almost looks
like the real thing.
Artist: Well good.
Ian: When we get the actual, uh, set, when we get the
piece,
it'll...it'll follow exactly these specifications. I
mean even these
contours and everything?
Artist: Um, I'm not understanding it. What do you mean
"the actual
piece?"
Ian: Well I mean...I mean when you build the actual piece.
Artist: But this is what you asked for, isn't it?
Ian: What?
Artist: Well this is the piece.
Ian: This is the piece?
Artist: Yes.
Ian: Are you telling me that this is it? This is scenery?
Have you
ever been to Stonehenge?
Artist: No.
Ian: The triptychs are...the triptychs are twenty feet
high. You can stand
four men up them!
Artist: Ian, I was...I was...I was supposed to build it
eighteen inches high. high.
Ian: This is insane. This isn't a piece of scenery.
Artist: Look, look. Look, this is what I was asked to
build. Eighteen
inches. Right here, it specified eighteen inches. I
was given this
napkin, I mean...
Ian: Forget this! Fuck the napkin!!!
--- Spinal Tap performs Stonehenge ---
<Hotel room>
David: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that
the band was
down. I think that the problem may have been...that
there was a
Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of
being
crushed by a dwarf. All right? That tended to
understate
the hugeness of the object.
Ian: I really think you're just making a much too big
thing out of it.
Derek: Making a big thing out of it would've been a good
idea.
Ian: Nigel gave me a drawing that said eighteen inches.
All right?
David: I know he did, and that's what I'm talking about.
Ian: Now, whether he knows the difference between feet and
inches is not
my problem. I do what I'm told.
David: But you're not as confused as him are you? I mean
it's not your
job to be as confused as Nigel is.
Ian: It's my job to do what I'm asked to do by the
creative element of
this band. And that's what I did. C'mon...
Jeanine: The audience were laughing.
Ian: So it became a comedy number.
David: Yes it did! Yes it fucking well did, and it was not
pleasant to
be part of the comedy on stage. Backstage, perhaps,
it was very
amusing.
Derek: Maybe we just fix the choreography. Keep the dwarf
clear.
David: What do you mean?
Derek: So they won't trod upon it.
David: I don't think that's the issue. I think it's
symptomatic that
maybe you're taking on more than you
can...uh...uh...uh...handle.
Jeanine: It's not exactly the first time you've messed
things up is it?
David: I mean there's been some, uh, gaping holes in the
business end.
If this...if this, uh....
Ian: Just a minute. Excuse me. This is a band meeting.
Right? Are
you here for some reason?
David: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. She's
with me.
Ian: No, but is she now in the band. Is she singing backup
or
something?
Jeanine: I care what happens to the band.
David: She's with me all right?
Ian: David, whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes
into this little
fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you
guys have
built around yourselves...
David: Hey don't knock at me. Don't knock at me.
Ian: ...you start screaming like a bunch of pansy
hairdressers. I mean
it's just a problem you know. It get's solved...
Jeanine: It doesn't.
Ian: ...you can't...you can't live in a bubble.
Jeanine: If it got solved, that would be all right, but it
doesn't get
solved. I mean what do you think happend out there?
What got
solved tonight?
Ian: For one thing that goes wrong...one...one single
thing that
goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you what I
spend my
time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night.
There's no sex
and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I
find lost
luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of
Austin!
David: Yes. We've seen you. We've seen you do that.
Ian: You know? I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews.
That's what
I do.
Jeanine: Well maybe you should get someone else to find the
lost
luggage, and you should concentrate on what's going
on on stage!
David: Yes. That's what we're talking about.
Ian: You mean you want me to be the road manager?
David: All ba...No, all bad ba...uh, could we...
Jeanine: What Dave is trying to say, if you'd let him get a
word
through, is...you could maybe...do with some help.
Ian: Some help?
David: It's very simple, it's very simple.
Jeanine: It's that clear.
David: Maybe there's somebone already in the organization.
We don't
have to pay insurance. We don't have to pay extra
room, etc.
Since she's already here, she's already among us, and
uh,
she can...she is certainly capable of taking over...
Ian: She? She? Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
David: Well who do you think I'm talking about? Who do you
think I'm
talking about?
Ian: I would...I would have never dreamed in a million
years that it was
her you were talking about!
David: Why not?
Jeanine: I am offering to help out here.
Ian: No you're not offering to help out. You're offering
to co-manage
the band with me. Is that it?
David & Jeanine: Yes!
David: In so many words, that is exactly it.
Jeanine: Exactly!
Ian: I'm certainly not going to co-manage with
some...some...some girl
just because she's your girlfriend...
David: Don't call her my girlfriend!
Ian: All right, she's not your girlfriend. I don't know...
Jeanine: Oh girlfriend is it? You couldn't manage a
classroom full of
kids! I don't know what you're doing managing a band!
David: Why don't we just...
Jeanine: Oh shut up!!!
Ian: Look, look...I...I...this is...this is my position
okay?
I am not managing it with you or any other woman,
especially
one that dresses like an Australian's nightmare. So
fuck you!!!
Jeanine: Fuck you too!!!
Ian: And fuck all of you...because I quit! All right?
That's it!
Good night!!!
Derek: Can I raise a practical question at this point?
David: Yeah.
Derek: We gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?
David: No we're not going to fucking do Stonehenge!!!
*<airport>
Jeanine: OK, we're all set, thank you, right fellows, We've
got the
tickets. We'reon the 3.10 flight, gate 24, allright.
And it arrives at 4:00 in Colorado, and then we've
got
a limo to take us to the lodge.
David: That's about a hundred yards from Rainbow Trout
Studios.
Jeanine: Uh, what I've done is to arrange a whole load of
charts.
David: Wait till you see this, wait till you see this, it's
so great
Jeanine: The band's sign is Virgo, and we see it's Saturn in
the
third house, allright, and it is a bit rocky. But,
because
Virgo is one of the most highly intelligent signs of
the Zodiac,
we're gonna pull through this, with great bond.
David: Yeah. It is so clear, it's so clear...
Jeanine: Nigel hasn't got one, Nigel, Nigel, we've got some
pages for
you here...
David: He's got one.
Jeanine: If you have a look at this....
David: No, He's got one, he's got one.
Jeanine: What I want to explain to you here is that
Denver....
*<Interview in storeroom II>
Marty: How would you characterize your relationship with
David: over the
years. Has it changed in any way?
Nigel: Not really, you know we've grown up bu really it's
not, no,
not really... we feel like children much of the time
you know.
When we're playing, we're closer than brothers.
Brothers allways
fight, sort of disagreement, and all that. We really
have a
realationship that's way, way past that.
*<Rainbow Trout Studios>
David: Ahhhhhhh...
Nigel: He can't play the fucking guitar anymore.
Derek: You know the part, you did it this morning.
Nigel: No, he doesn't know the fucking...if he knew the
fucking part
he'd play it, wouldn't he?
Derek: Fuck!
Nigel: Great, just tell me what I'm supposed to do,
allright?
David: We're supposed do play the fucking thing, aren't we.
We've no choice,
we've spent an hour and a half..
Nigel: I'm doing my part...make it a lot simpler, I hate to
cut right
through here, why don't you play the part alone,
without some
fucking angel hanging over your head, you know what
I mean?
Derek: Jesus Christ, thats fucking all we need!
Nigel: You can't fucking concentrate, because of your
fucking wife, simple
as that, allright, it's your fucking wife!
David: She's not my wife!
Nigel: Whatever fucking she is, allright, you can't fucking
concentrate,
we can't fucking do the track.
David: This is unbelievable! This is unbelievable!
Nigel: No, it's not unbelievable at all...
David: Am I loosing my fucking mind? Could you check me on
this, am I
loosing my mind? I-I-I-I don't understand what this
has to do with
anyting.
*<Derek's office>
Derek: We're very lucky in the sense that we've got two
visionaries in the
band.
Marty: Right.
Derek: David and Nigel are like , uh, like poets you know
like Shelly or
Byron, or people like that. The two totally distinct
types
of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically,
you see,
I feel my role in the band, is to be kind of in the
middle..
of that, kind of like lukewarm water, in a sense.
*<Limo/Lindberg Air Force Base, Seattle , Washington>
Jeanine: I don't think you've got time to do the... better
go straight
to the base.
Nigel?: To the what?
?: BASE?
David: The gig.
Derek: To the Civic Arena, right?
David: No, it fell through.
Jeanine: No.
Nigel: Wait a sec, wait a sec ,hold it, hold it! Do you
know about this,
and we don't know about this? What are you talking
about?
Jeanine: We are going to the Air Force base.
Nigel: Why are we going to an Air Force base?
Jeanine: Cause the original gig fell through....
Jeanine: Lieutennant Hookstrat....
Lt Hookstratten: Ahh...Hookstratten..and you are Spinal
Tarp?
Jeanine: I'm Jeanine Pettibone, and this is Spinal TAP.
Lt Hookstratten: Spinal TAP, my mistake, I'm Lieutenant Bob
Hookstratten.
Welcome to the Linberg Air Force base. This is your
gentlemen's first
visit to a military facility?
?: yeah...
Lt Hookstratten: Fine, may I start by saying how thrilled we
are to have
you here, we are such fans of your music, and all of
your records.
I am not speaking of yours personnaly, but the whole
genre of the
rock and roll music...of the exiting things that are
happening in
the music today. Let me explain a bit what's going on.
This is our
monthly "at-ease weekend", gives us the chance to let
down our hair,
although I see you all have a "head start". These
haircuts wouldn't
pass military muster, believe me. Although I shouldn't
talk, my
hair's getting a little shaggy too, better not get too
closly,
they'll think I'm part of the band, I am joking, of
course. Shall we
go in and I'll show you around. Walk this way, please,
right through
here. If you ever run into a musical group... works out
of Kansas City
call themselves " Four Jacks and a Jill?"...for about
18 months. If
you're ever in Kansas City and want to hear some good
music, you might
want to drop by. I would like to get the playing on
about 1900 hours,
if that is satisfactory?
Derek: When will that be?
Lt Hookstratten: I make it now it is about 1830 hours.
Derek: That's what? about 50 hours?
David: 20 hours?
Lt Hookstratten: That's actually about 30 minutes, about
half hour, Give
or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you.
The idea is
that we'll get it on and get it over with and I have
just one
request, a couple of slow numbers so that I can
dance....
--- Spinal Tap performs Sex Farm ---
Jeanine: He totally ruined the gig, there. He walks off and
then you know,
he can't be expected to sit home and get money,
we've got to get
someone else in there.
*<Hotel lobby?>
Marty: Has he ever done this before? Has he ever....
David: well, no.
Marty; ...quit the band before?
David:No, but it's....you've got to understand that like in
the world
of rock and roll there are certain changes that
sometimes occur,
and you've just got to, sort of, roll with them, you
know.
I mean you read... we read... you saw exactly how many
people
who's been in the band....37 people's been in this
band over the
years. I mean It's like , you know, six months from
now, I can't
see myself missing Nigel more than I might miss Ross
McLochness or
Ronnie Pudding or Danny Upham or Little Danny
Shinder, or any
of those, you know, it's...
Marty:I don't believe it. I can't believe it...you know,
you're lumping
Nigel in with these people you've played with for a
short period
of time?
David: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under
such heavy
sedation, but still in all, you've got to be
realistic about this
thing, you know....
Marty: So, what happens to the band now?
David: What do you mean?
Marty: He's not coming back, or...?
David: No, we shan't work together again.
*<Themeland Amusement Park, Stockton, California>
Jeanine: Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred
times:
put Spinal Tap first, and puppet show last.
Derek: It's a morale builder, isn't it?
Jeanine: They've got a big dressing room, though.
David: What?
Jeanine: Got a big dressing room here...
David: Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the
puppets? Oh, that's a
...good gesture?
Viv: I've got this medicine, it's rocket fuel, that's
supposed to be
really......
David: Can you play...excuse me, Viv, can you play a
baseline, uh, like
Nigel used to do on "Big Bottom", can you double that?
You recall
the lines and fits?
Viv: Oh, yeah. I've got two hands here...
David: So, that's good, you can play that one.
Derek: "Hole" is out, "Heavy" is out....
David: "Heavy-Hole" ....
Derek: right, right, right, right...."America" is out.....
David: "America" we can't do.....
Derek: we know, we know, we know, we know.........
That's a nice little set, isn't it, that's a cozy ten
minutes.
David: What are we going to do, we've got nothing to play
here...
Derek: I'll tell you what we're gonna have to do...
David: What?
Derek: Jazz oddysey!
David: We're not going to do a free-form jazz, uh,
exploration in front of
a festival crowd!.
--- Spinal Tap Mark II performs Jazz Odysey ---
( in front of a festival "crowd" )
David: You are witnesess at the new birth of Spinal Tap Mark
II, hope
you enjoy our new direction........
......On the bass: Derek Smalls, he wrote this.....
<End of Tour Party, Los Angeles>
Reporter: So tonight's the last show of the tour. How's
that feel?
You know, is like this your last waltz, are we
talkin'
the end ofSpinal Tap, or are you gonna try to milk
it for
a few more years in Europe, I mean....
David: Well, I don't, I don't really think that the end can
be
assessed...uh as of itself as being the end because
what does
the end feel like it's like saying when you try to
extrapolate
the end of the universe you say the...uh the universe
is indeed
infinite then how what does that mean? How far is
t...is all
the way and then if it stops what's stoppin' it and
what's
behind what's stoppin' it so what's the end, you know,
is my...
question to you....
Guy: 'Sa good crowd. Good crowd.
Jeanine: It is, isn't it?
Guy: Yeah, it really is. I mean, you know, some of these
things just,
you know, don't mean much.
Jeanine: It was hard to get at the last minute, you know,
you cahn't
arrange it all overnight.
Derek: David, we had a fifteen-year ride, mate. 'Mean, who
wants to
be a fuck'n forty-five year old rock'n'roller farting
around
in front of people less than half their age?....
David: So true, so true, yeah....
Derek: ...cranking out some kind of mediocre head-banging
bullshit,
you know, that we forgot can be?
David: It would b...it's beneath us...who wants to see
that...not me.
Derek: That's right...absolutely right. I mean, we could
take those
projects that we thought, you know, we didn't have time
for....
David: Oh, there's dozens, there's so many dozens of
projects.
Derek: You know, we didn't have time for 'em because of Tap
and bring 'em back to life maybe.
David: Do you remember what we were...do you remember the
time?...
Derek: At the Loudon...at the Loudon Palace....
David: Yes.
Derek: We were talking about a rock musical based on the
life of Jack
the Ripper....
David: Yeah, 'Saucy Jack.'
Derek: Right. 'Saucy Jack.' Now's the time to do that.
David: Saucy Jack, you're a naughty one,
Saucy Jack, you're a haughty one,
Saucy Jack.
Derek: Right....
David: It's a freein' up, idnit?
Derek: Yeah.
David: It's all this free time it's suddenly time is so
elastic....
Derek: It's a gift, it's a gift of freedom. You know.
David: I've always...I've always wanted to do a collection
of my
acoustic numbers with, the London Philharmonic as you
know.
Derek: We're lucky.
David: Yeah.
Derek: I mean people...people should be envying us. You
know.
David: I envy us.
Derek: Yeah.
David: I do.
Derek: Me too.
*<Dressing Room,last gig of the tour>
David: I'm in, I'm in tune....
Jeanine: ...time to go....shall we go.....
?: Yeah, Do a good show...do a dynamite show....
David: Come to see the show?
Nigel: Yeah, hi, Mick!
Mick: Nidge.
David: So d'you just come to hang around back stage like a
real
rock and roller? Is that what you're doing?
Nigel: I'm really a messenger...
David: A messenger...
Nigel: Yeah, I bumped into Ian, and....
David: Ian?...Ian?...oh, the other dead man, yeah.
Nigel: Said that "Sex Farm" is on charts in Japan...
Derek?: Spinal Tap's recording of "Sex Farm".
Nigel: It's number 5, last week, actually. So, he, he asked
me, to ask you,
Tap, if you would be interested reforming and doing a
tour of Japan.
David: So you've come back to replug our life-support
systems in? Is that
it? By the grace of your....stroke of your
hand...you....you are
going to bring us back to life? Is that what you've
come here for?
Nigel: I've come.......
David: I dont..you've a fucking nerve that you display....
Nigel: No.....I'm just passing on information, really......
Jeanine: Yeah, I think it's time to go in.....no time to
discuss this now.
Nigel: David; do a good show, alright
David: Yeah, OK.
--- Spinal Tap performs Tonight I'm Going to Rock
You Tonight ---
David: Nigel Tufnel: Lead guitar!
((( Spinal Tap tours Japan and lives happily ever after
(except for the
drummers, of course) - Svein I )))
*<Closing credits>
Marty: Do you feel that playing rock'n'roll...music keeps
you a child?
That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?
Derek: No...no...no, I feel, it's like, it's more like
going, going
to a national park, or something, and there's ..you
know,
"Preserve the Moose"...and that's, that's my childhood
up there on
stage is that moose, you know, and...and...
Marty: So, when you're playing you feel like a preserved
moose on stage?
Derek: Yeah.
David: I've been listening to the classics, I belong to
a...great series
uh..It's called the 'Namesake Series' of casettes..
Marty: ah..
David: And they send you the works of famous authors, done
by actors
with the same last name...so I've got Denham Elliot
reading
T.S. Elliot on this one...
Marty: Yeah...well, thats interesting...
David: I've goh... Yes, I've got Danny Thomas doing "A
Child's Christmas
in Wales" by Dylan Thomas, and...next month it's Mclean
Stephenson
reads Robert Louis Stephenson, "Treasure Island",
problably.
Marty: That's interesting...It's fascinating.
David: Yeah.. and there's also something... shorter works
of Washsington
Irwing, read by someone called "Dr. J."
Marty: That's Julius Irwing...Julius Irwing...
David: Oh!..
Marty: The basketball player.
David: There you go, keeping with the series, yes.....
Nigel: You like this?
Marty: It's very nice ...it looks like Halloween...
Nigel: This is exact... my exact inner structure, done in a
T-shirt
exactly, medically accurate, see.
Marty: So, in other words, if we were to take all your
flesh and blood and
every....
Nigel: Take them off.
Marty: ...and you'd see...exact..it wouldn't be green,
though?
Nigel: It *is* green! You know, see, see how your blood
looks blue?
Marty: Yeah, well, that's just the vein, I mean the color
of the vein,
the blood is actually red..
Nigel: Mabye it's not green...anyway.. this is what I sleep
in sometimes.
Marty: Yeah!
Marty: Dennis Eaton-Hogg, the president of Polymer Records
was recently
knighted, what was the circumstances surrounding his
knighthood?
Ian: The specific reason why he was knighted was... for the
founding
of Hoggwood which is a summer-camp for pale, young
boys.
Marty: David St. Hubbins...I ne..I must admit I've never
heard
anybody with that name...
David: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint,
he's
not a very well known saint.
Marty: Oh, there actually is..uh...there was a Saint
Hubbins?
David: that's right , yes.
Marty: What was he the saint of?
David: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
Marty: You play to predominantly, predominantly a white
audience,
you feel your music is racist in any way?
David: no!...
Nigel: No, no..of course not....
David: We pro..we say, we say "love your brother", we don't
say it,
really, but..
Nigel: We don't literally say it.
David: No, we don't say it ...at all.
Nigel: No, we don't literally mean it, but we're not
racists.
David: No, we don't mean it either, but...that message
shuould
be clear anyway.
Nigel: We're anything but racists.
Derek: You know, we've grown musically...I mean, listen to
some of
the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid...
Marty: Yeah.
Derek: ...you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm",
we've taken the
sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and
music..
Marty: ...and put it on a farm?.
Derek: Yeah.
Marty: If I were to ask you what your philosophy of life,
or your creed...
what would that be?
Viv: "Have...a good... time...all the time." That's my
philosophy, Marty!
David: I believe virtually everything I read, and I think
that is what
makes me more of a selective human, than someone who
doesn't
believe anything.
Marty: Do you have a philosohpy, or creed that you live by?
Mick: Well ...like ,personally, I like to think about sex
and drugs
and rock'n'roll, you know, that's my life...
Marty: Yeah.
David: yeah...
Marty: If you were to have something written as your
epitaph...
David: "Here lies David St. Hubbins, and why not?".
Marty: You feel that sums up your...your life
David: No.'s the first thing I could think of.
Marty: Oh, I see...
David: It doesn't sum up anything, really.
Marty: Yeah.
Nigel: I'm a real fish nut. I really like fish...
Marty: What kind of fish?
Nigel: Well, in the United States, you have cod...I like
cod.
And I love tuna...those little cans you've got
here...tuna fish
...no bones!
Marty: Yeah.
Marty: If you could not play rock'n roll, what would you
do?
David: Be a full time dreamer!
Viv: I'd probably get a bit stupid and start make a fool
of myself in
public, 'cause there wouldn't be a stage to go on.
Derek: Probably work with children.
Mick: As long as there is, you know, sex and drugs, I can
do
without the rock'n'roll.
Nigel: Well, I suppose I could,uh, work in a shop of some
kind or...or do
... freelance... selling of some sort of...uh...
product...you know...
Marty: A salesman, you think you ....
Nigel: A salesman, like, mabye in a haberdasher, or maybye
like a...uhr
a chapeau shop, or something... you know..."Would
you..what size
do you wear, sir?" and then you answer me...
Marty: Uh...seven and a quarter.
Nigel: "I think we have that...", you see, something like
that I could do.
Marty: Yeah...you think you be happy doing something like-
...
Nigel: "No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that
sort of thing,
I think I could probably master up.
Marty: Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel: Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours?