Dusty Hates the Olympics

I am completely sick of this olympic crap.

I will watch:

Mens hoops cause Barkley might beat someone up
Ill watch mens track to see if Michael Johnson wins the 200 and 400
Womens track to see Suzy Favor.
Volleyball cause im thinking of playing and i need some pointers.

I might watch
Fencing cause somebody might get stabbed.
Mens hammer throw. Somebody might get beaned
Waterpolo. cause somebody might get drowned
Archery cause somebody might get arrowed
Shooting cause well... you know...

I will not watch
Gymnastics. Those 50 pound anexoric 12 year olds are disgusting and so are
their parents who make them go through hell instead of a normal childhood.
I think the parents of gymnasts should be used as targets for the archery
competition.

Swimmimg. Ok heres what I dont understand....Theyre in a pool and they want
to go to the other side. Instead of jumping in, why dont they just walk
around the outside. Its faster and you dont get wet. of course you cant run
cause there's no running in the pool area. Swimming events should be held
outside in lakes where theres no sides. And during bad weather. Or maybe in
shark infested waters. Thats entertainment.

Soccer. You know how the rest of the world loves soccer and thinks its
exciting and all that....well they're all wrong. Its a stupid boring
pseudo-sport played by people who arent good enough at a real sport like
Football. Id rather drink warm, flat Old Milwaukee out of a can while
re-sealing my driveway on a humid august day than watch any portion of a
soccer game. And hey all you freak soccer players, normal people have a
first name AND a last name. Look into it, you weirdos.

Womens hoops. Yea, just what I want to see, amazon women running around
sweating, on second thought maybe I will catch some....

Baseball. Im still mad at the strike.

Any event with a boat. This includes and yacht type stuff and crew type
stuff. Boats are for 2 things. Fishing and drinking beer. Other uses are
allowed but they must be accompanied by drinking beer and fishing. And
motors. Boats have to have motors.

Opening and closing ceremonies. This are the 2 stupidest events. I dont
understand the atractiveness of these events. Theres no winners. There;s
little chance that anybody will get hurt. I just cant figure it out.

Equestrian. Horses were made for betting on not jumping over some fence.
Although sometimes riders fall off. Thats great but it doesnt happen often
enough and when it does they usually show it on replay later in the
broadcast.

Modern Pentathalon. Im strictly an Ancient Pentathelon man.

Softball. I was gonna watch this but then I found out it was womens
fastpitch. I was looking forward to seeing the huge vodka drinking russian
fatboys up against our huge beer gutted boys.

Team Handball. What the hell is this sport.

Synchronized Swimming. Dont even get me started on this.....

Boxing. Hey, I dont watch any boxing that isnt controlled by Don King.

Any racquet sport. Tennis, ping-pong, badminton. I dont like them. I will
not watch them. Except maybe tennis cause I have a thing for Monica Seles.
I dont know what it is. Maybe the way she grunts when she hits the ball.

Anything weird demonstration sport that managed to get included. As a rule,
these are all stupid and uninteresting.

I cant wait all this crap to be over.

Question: What is a complete waste of time?
Answer: Watching the Olympics on NBC.

NBC: Hello, this is NBC....
Me: Yea, I was wondering if you could possible show LESS sports competition during the Olympics?
NBC: No sir, I do not believe that is possible.

Our current coverage is divided thusly:

Total Coverage in evening: 4 hours
Commercials: 35 minutes
Self serving NBC promotional activities: 25 minutes
Press conferences and interviews concerning the bombing: 45 minutes
Replays of events that took place yesterday that NBC didn't show becasue they had to show the Girls (not Womens) Gymnastics team's cars pulling into the parking lot: 45 minutes
Interviews with the Dream Team about why they arent winning by 50 points per game: 20 minutes
Coverage of the manufacturer of the Girls Gymnastic teams leotards: 20 minutes
A quick look at other events happening around the Olympics: 5 minutes
A Dennis Rodman Update: 15 minutes
Coverage of the history of the use of the uneven parallel bars: 10 minutes
A wrapup of the days events with hi-lights: 15 minutes for Girls Gymnastics, 5 minutes for all other events combined.

Thats 4 hours.

Dusty's Letter to NBC

I, for one, am glad that your Olympic coverage has been poor.
I know for sure that I won't miss anything by not watching
your coverage. I'm just waiting for Bud Greenspan to come
out with his overview in a couple of weeks, then I'll get
to see the real Olympic athletic competition. On Monday I
had a softball game but still wanted to see Carl Lewis and
Michael Johnson. So I set my VCR. But I accidently taped the
Nanny instead. You know what, I'm glad I did. A half-hour
of Fran Drescher's voice is much better than listening to
hours upon hours of those gymnastics announcers. I hope you
guys do the next Olympics so I won't have to watch them either.