Before you read this, let me explain. These two guys (Dan Fallon
and Roger Gilfert) have been playing racquetball for years. They
are roughly as good as each other, excluding seasonal swellings,
etc. When one of them wins, they post a bulletin for the rest
of the company to see (at least, those of us who care).
It's pretty good, especially for people who play r'ball.
[portions edited by dbb]
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Dear Rog,
It is with a feeling of regret today that I update the attached raquetball
scorecard following last night's 4-0 trouncing. With the Won-Loss ratio
holding at a steady 2.5:1 your big talk about raquetball dominance has a
hollow ring; and your cry of "Next week Fallon !!!" has grown as stale as the
inside of your gym bag.
Since I have already paid for the court, it seems in my best interest to
do something to make these matches a little less one-sided than the Iraqi land
campaign. In this spirit, I have decided to reveal a few of my secrets that
allow me to make a winning night by Gilfert as unusual as a profit by Chrysler.
1) As evidenced by the results of 1/15 and 4/20, the results are much more
favorable for you if I am crippled. I suggest that you consider running me
over in the parking lot. It may even bring the won-loss ratio down as far
as 2:1 if I am on crutches for a few weeks.
2) It's very hard for me to be worried about losing to someone who has a pink
handle on his raquet and wears a jock that's size "boys small". Get a new
handle and use the old "sweat sock in the jock" routine to at least LOOK
like a man even if you can't play like one.
3) I have a great deal of trouble with two of your most frequent shots. The
first is when you hit the ball with the end of your raquet instead of the
strings, the ball travels at a 45 degree angle from where you were aiming,
and just brushes the front wall. The second is where you do a complete
whiff as the ball passes you the first time, but you manage to hit it on
the way back and get the point since my back is turned while I walk to the
service line. If you could only find a way to combine these shots, I'm
sure you would win an occasional game
4) Last of all, how can I take seriously someone whose flailing attempts to
hit the ball make him look like he's auditioning for Lead Poof in the next
showing of Swan Lake? If you're going to play like a fag, wear a Tutu
over your gym shorts.
So in the spirit of good sportsmanship I wish you all the best and hope to
see some improved play from you when we meet again and I KICK YOUR FAT ASS YOU
FUCKIN' LOSER !!!
--------------------
As you know, Roger's raquetball game has recently risen from it's pathetic
condition to one bordering on respectability. Sadly, I have discovered that
this was not achieved in a completely honest manner, but rather through the
use of steroids. That backfired last week however, when he mistakenly ingested
some of his wife's birth control pills which she takes to avoid having
children which resemble the mailman.
Pumped up with female hormones, he was no match for my superior skill and
proceeded to bury the needle on the Suckometer ! With tits a-flapping he
whiffed and flailed himself to a 4-0 loss in games. With tears in his eyes
(causing his mascara to run), he begged me for another chance this weekend.
With a double dose of Russian steroids coursing through his blood, Rog
rose like a gigantic belch to win 2 games out of 4. His best moment was when
he ran off 7 straight points while I was in the bathroom. He insists that this
week will be the one that he finally beats me as soon as he gets back from
Provincetown where he is visiting "an old friend".
-------------------
Question: What comes off faster than a prom dress ?
Aneswer: Roger Gilfert's raquetball crown.
Yes, as you may have guessed, Roger's brief superiority on the court was as
rare as a shooting star or solar eclipse and just as long lasting. This was
clearly demonstrated by last night's 3-1 trouncing. I threw him a bone in
the last game and let him win because I could no longer bear the sobbing
wimpering cry of, "Oh please God let me win. Oh please please please"
------------------
Last night a woman peeked into our court exclaiming, "I heard so much
screaming I had to look. It sounded like someone was having great sex in there"
Well, she was right because Roger Gilfert was in the process of being fucked!
The final tally of 3 games to 1 does not begin to do justice to the massacre
that took place.
I warmed up with a 15-2 trouncing and loosened up my vocal chords for the
workout that I knew that they would be in for. Roger won the next game 15-11
and fell right into my trap. You see, after a person wins a game something
occurs known as "post win letdown" where your opponent runs off a string of
points. My run happened to last for 15 points. That's right folks, it was the
big DONUT !!
For those of you who don't play the game, A donut is where one player scores
15 points and his opponent scores none (see also: zilch, zero, null, vacuum
goose egg, void, loser, stiff, slouch, klutz, inept, incompotent, failure,
and bag of shit). It requires that one player be almost flawless
while the other flails away with the skill and grace of a mating hippopotomus.
Complete triumph for one and total humiliation for the other.
It is General Schwartskof versus General Custer, Boston Celtics versus
Perkins School for the Blind, Mike Tyson versus Pee Wee Herman,... well,
you get the picture.
The final game which I won was anticlimactic as I taunted Roger with a
face saving tie only to snatch it away at the final minute.
Yup Rog, You've become as good a player as me.
NOT !!!!!!!!!
-------------------
I've been racking my brain for weeks (4) trying to come up with a clever
Dan "Fallonish" like theme for this e-mail announcing/proclaiming his
replacement as the dominant R-ball player....but to no avail....I guess that
my mind just doesn't run in the same perverse & twisted bent that his does.
In view of the overall importance of this announcement, however, I feel that
it's more important to get the word out to you than to dwell in the sewer along
with the likes of DJF trying to come up with the perfect "dirt" to accompany
the announcement.
As you all know, since coming out of retirement almost a year ago, Dan has
been beating me with astonishing regularity on the R-ball court. I know that
you know because Dan has made sure that everybody knows.....just ask a fork-
lift driver in PB or a lobsterman in Freeport and they'll be able to detail
with incredible accuracy the latest "crushings at a glance" statistics.
At every conceivable opportunity, Dan has publicized via either word-of-mounth,
e-mail, yellow-stickies in the men's room, and even video tape his
victories over me. I think that he did this with such frequency because he
knew that his time was limited.....he knew that once I shook of the cobwebs
of over a years absence form the court that I'd be back. Well....I'm back!!
I'm back with the same keen court awareness, bullet quick backhand,
geometrically perfect pinch shots, mind bending/expanding serves, and jock
losing passing shots that I possessed in my prime three years ago.
I actually regained my throne four weeks ago, but rather than bragging about
a single victory, I wanted to get a whole mess of them under my belt before
I made the announcement. What I think is amazing is that a
week ago, Dan knowing that he would never again have bragging rights after
we played, actually started sending out feeble slander before the competition
(and believe me I'm using the word "competition" in its slightest connotation)
even began. It's a sad day when the mighty fall.....they just never seem to
know when to quit and keep their mouths shut (case in point: Muhammed Ali).
Anyway, be it known by all that Mr. Fallon has once again assumed full
ownership of his reputation as a "Supreme Loser" as witnessed by his
own conceived and maintained "crushings at a glance" statistics for the last
four weeks. You know, one last thing comes to mind......it's really amazing
how Dan's creative prowess has shifted from writing e-mail to dreaming
up excuses since he has once again started to lose consistantly. I mean every
week he seems to have a new malady.....Oh Rog, I'm so hung over.....Oh Rog, I
hurt my ankle jogging last weekend.....Oh Rog, I strained my elbow splitting
wood last night......Oh Rog, I've been throwing up all day and feel weak.
Dan....In the word's of the Beatles....You're A Loser!
---------------------
Refusing to accept the fact that his reign as "Champ" has finally come to an
end, and in the face of having to eat all of those witty e-mails that he's
sent out over the last six months.....Dan, on Sunday, played his final trump
card. After trying every trick in his bag (and it's a very small bag), Dan did
what all true losers would.....he tried to break my racket with his face. This
last ditch effort was his farewell attempt to stop the incredible beating that
he was taking at my hand. The blood was a nice touch.......but it won't save
you!!!!!!!
Having milked all the sympathy that the staff of "Off the Wall" could conjure,
and still grasping at a solution to his LOSER Dilemma, Dan shaved and showered
& got all dressed up in his Sunday finery.....and slunked off to church to
appeal to the Supreme player in the sky for direction.
----------------------
Gerry: Hello and welcome to QLP/TV where we teach you quality techniques to
help you every day at your job. Good morning Dorothy. You look lovely this
morning.
Dorothy: Thank you Gerry. That's a beautiful head of skin you're wearing
yourself. What quality technique are we going to learn today?
Gerry: Well Dorothy, it's called "Fuckin' Loser Analysis". It's very useful in
dealing with the people you meet in everyday life where everybody in the world
seems to know these people are incredible losers except themselves; like
Marketing Consultants for example. Let's start by taking a look at some
raquetball match results.
Fallon versus Gilfert 1991
Games Games Donuts Donuts
Date Won Lost Given Received
1/15 1 2 0 0
1/22 5 0 1 0
1/29 2 2 0 0
2/05 3 1 0 0
2/12 2 1 0 0
2/19 3 0 0 0
YTD 16 6 1 0
Dorothy: Well, Gerry, at first glance, it looks like a pretty pathetic mismatch.
Especially 1/22 !!! Are you sure he wasn't playing Boy George that night?
But on looking more closely, despite the overwhelming won/loss ratio, Gilfert
actually won one night.
Gerry: Exactly, Dorothy. It's important to realize that the true loser
remembers only the victorious weeks and forgets the vast majority of
humiliating, degrading, lopsided, pitiful, defeats that would convince any
normal human being that he was as well suited for raquetball as Saddam Hussien
is for Air Traffic Control. That's why the Slouch Diagram is such a useful
tool for detecting people like this. The X-Axis represents predicted
productivity (in this case wins) and the Y-Axis represents actual
productivity. (note that in Gilfert's case there clearly needs to be a zero on
the Y-Axis).
100 !
!
!
!
!
50 !
!
!
!
! * *
0 ! * ***
0 50 100
Dorothy: Well, Gerry, it looks like Gilfert's chart shows a clump of "*" in
the bottom righthand corner.
Gerry: Very Good Dorothy. Normal people would be found clumped in the middle,
exceptional people in the upper left, and the bottom right is where you find
the used car salesmen, realtors, malpractice lawyers, and Mike Dukakis.
Remember however, that this example is for purposes of illustration. It is
unlikely in real life that someone would SUCK SO BAD !!! Now let's go to the
Professor to summarize.
Professor: Hey Gilfert: YEEEEEEEEWWWWWW SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK !!!!!!!!!!
Gotit ? Good.
--------------------------
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That's it! Comments about the digest to me (dbushong@wang.com). Comments
about how bad Roger sucks, or how bad Dan posts, would probably be
welcomed by both Dan (DANIEL.FALLON@office.wang.com) and by Roger
(ROGER.GILFERT@office.wang.com).
Does anybody else have any sports humor?
P.S. Feel free to send Roger a one-line message that says "YOU SUCK!"
Don't worry, he thrives on abuse.